I don't think I'm a total jerk, but I am most definitely a jerk. At the end of my post last night I said that my ex had blocked me on Facebook. I was really annoyed by that. I think I probably made that pretty clear. Here's the thing...she didn't block me. She actually disabled her account. She didn't block just me. I made an assumption and then I brought it up in a blog post.
You would think that after almost 40 years of life I would have learned not to make assumptions, but that is turning out to be one of the hardest lessons for me to learn. I was wrong to bring up Facebook in my post last night. I apologized to my ex. I shouldn't have done it.
If I might, please let me clarify a couple of other things about that part of last night's post. I said that I blocked her for a 24 hour period during a time when I was pretty sure I didn't want to see the pictures she was going to post. I did block her, and I apologized for doing so, but I don't think she ever posted a single picture that would have bothered me. I thought she might, I'm not going to lie, but I don't think she ever did. I should have known that she wouldn't.
I also said that I assumed she had things going on in her life that she didn't want me to know about. I then followed that up by saying that I would never block her because I would never do anything that I wasn't comfortable telling her about. That was mean, and wrong. It led my four readers to a place where they would most likely believe that she was doing things that she needed to hide, and that I thought I was better than her. Trust me when I say, I don't think that I am better that her. Again, that was me making an assumption and I should not have done so. The fact is, she didn't block me. The fact is that she's never denied a friend request from me. She and I both have unfriended each other on Facebook over the last 9 months, but I figure a lot of divorcing couples do that. The truth is, as far as I know, I'm the only one of the two of us who has ever blocked the other on Facebook.
Well, what can I say. I'm a jerk. If my ex ever happens to read this, I'm sorry for the Facebook portion of my post last night. I should not have made it.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
I'm back...
Hey there. How are my four readers doing? I'm sorry I've been gone so long. Crazy things have been happening and I'm just now catching my breath. Let me see if I can catch you up. Fair warning though, I'm a total jerk in part of this story. With that...let's begin.
My son was promoted from 8th grade. Just as I suspected, I was a total cry baby. I'm so proud of that kid. He has had the most unbelievably difficult 18 months, yet he's persevered through it all. Even better? He and I are going to start writing together. I can't tell you how stoked I am by that.
Next...I received the support and declaration documents from my soon to be ex-wife. The support documents were pretty close to what I suspected. The declarations had a different number that was a really big deal to me. I told her that I wasn't happy or OK with that number. She ended up calling her attorney and I received an email telling me that I was not to bother her client anymore. That was awesome!! The rest of that day sucked big time. I eventually ended up talking to my ex again, but it was very cold.
Now here's where things get interesting. You might remember that in one of my earlier posts I mentioned that I was struggling with something, but I couldn't share it because it wasn't really my story to share. Well, it has now been shared with my boys, even though I wasn't consulted first, so I figure it's now out there and I can finally talk about it. So, here it goes....
My soon to be ex has a new boyfriend. She met him in February. I'm not going to go into the details about how I found out about him, it's not worth it, but she's totally in love with the guy. He's 31 (I think), has four kids that are 7 and under (I think), and he lives in Maine. We live in California. I think I shared that earlier. Anyway...when I found out it was really difficult for me. I am not proud of the way I reacted, but I got past it. To be honest, it was that situation that helped me find the word Mudita. I love the word mudita, even though it's not English. I am totally getting that tattooed on my shoulder.
Ok. So, since the day after Father's Day she has been on a trip to New Mexico with our boys. That was supposed to be my week with the boys, but she wanted to take them to visit her real dad, so I said OK. I didn't like it. I never like losing time with my boys (as I've said, they are the absolute most important thing in my life,) but I wasn't going to say no. That would make me a total jerk, and whatever anyone says about me, I'm not a total jerk. So they went on their trip. I've been texting the boys regularly, but it's important to me that I don't interfere with their time with their mom. I don't want to keep interrupting them, so I've kept my distance.
(I may regret this next part, but it's all true, so I'm going to stick to "the truth will set you free" mantra)
Last night I received a text from her asking me if the boys could stay with me during her first week in July. It was very nonchalant, but I'm not an idiot (I swear I'm not. Those of you rolling your eyes can totally bite me.) I was at a board meeting for my son's junior football program, and I can honestly say that I'm not totally certain what I voted yes on during the last 30 minutes of that meeting. I knew why she was asking me. She was asking me because she wanted to go see her new boyfriend in Maine. I was pissed......
Here's the thing, I will never say no to time with my boys (and she knows that.) Ever. But last night, before I responded to her text, I made plans for myself so that I would end up having to say no to extra time with my boys. I've actually been pretty lucky in that I've been asked to take the boys for extra time quite a few times over the last 8 1/2 months. I love that. It's awesome. But last night I told her I had plans, and that was true, but not until after she asked me to keep the boys during her week. That may make me a jerk, I don't know, but I do know that I've been asked numerous times to watch them during her time, but the only time I've asked her to watch them during my time was when I was at a conference for work. I won't give up my time with the boys voluntarily. That's just my decision. Other people might feel differently, and that's fine.
I made plans because I knew she was asking me to make things easy for her to go visit her new boyfriend. My personal opinion is that is not my job. I've spent over 20 years trying to make her life easier, but that is one area where I am going to make her figure things out on her own from this point on. I told her that, and we ended up talking on the phone. I told her before she called that I was angry (that's not an excuse) but she called anyway.
I yelled a lot last night on the phone. I'm not proud of that, but I did. I was angry that she wouldn't be honest with me about her intentions. That she wouldn't be honest with me about a lot of things. I let her have it last night. Everything that I've held back for the last 20 years because I knew it would hurt her....last night I said it. Actually, I didn't say most of it, I yelled it. I'm a jerk and I know it. That being said, there is only one thing that I said last night that I regret saying. There was one thing I said that was intended to hurt her and nothing else. How big of a jerk am I? So big that I don't remember what that one thing was. I know that I said one thing and immediately said that I was sorry because I didn't actually think that, but I knew it would be hurtful. I apologized right away, but that doesn't make it OK to say in the first place. I just wish I could remember what that one thing was.
There were a lot of other things I said that hurt her, but I know that those things were true. I'm tired of not saying things that I know are true, simply because I know the truth will make her feel bad. It is no longer my job to protect her from things that will make her feel bad. She has a new boyfriend who can do that. Just my opinion of course. If that makes me a jerk to some of you, I understand.
During our phone call last night I was told something else. I was informed that her new boyfriend showed up at her real dad's place to meet the boys. I had no idea he was going to be there when I agreed that she could take them during my time. Even better? We still haven't told the boys that we are getting divorced. I wanted to a long time ago, but when I told her that, she said she wanted to wait until after the school year was over. I knew she had a new boyfriend, though I didn't think she was going to bring him into my boy's lives without talking to me first, because in my opinion he's a total stranger (considering she's only been in the same location as him twice. Soon that will be 3 times.) I was wrong. She took from me my opportunity to do things the right way with my boys because she decided that what was best for her was best for all of us. She introduced him to the boys, before we ever told them that we were done. We had always said that we were going to do that together. Foolish me for believing that. I'm really not happy about it, but she made that decision on her own, so there is nothing I can do about it.
Adding insult to injury, she totally blocked me from Facebook. I'm not exactly sure when because we haven't been friends on FB for a while. I un-friended her during a weekend where I was pretty sure that I didn't want to see the pictures she was going to post. I know that makes me immature, but you can go ahead and judge me if you want. Anyway, we never actually blocked each other. That's not true. I did for about 24 hours during that weekend, but I told her that I did and I apologized for doing so. I actually haven't tried to look at her FB posts in a while, because I know there's nothing to see since we aren't friends on there anymore. Today though, I looked. I looked because of everything that happened yesterday. You know what I found? Apparently she doesn't exist on FB anymore. I work in the industry. I know that means she went through the effort of totally blocking me. I figure that's because she's decided there are things in her life she doesn't want me knowing about. I can understand that. I don't blame her. I will say this though, I won't block her (if she ever unblocks me) simply because I won't be doing anything that I'm not comfortable telling her about. That does not mean I think I'm doing things better than her. It simply means that I have decided to make different decisions.
I will not feel bad about that anymore.
My son was promoted from 8th grade. Just as I suspected, I was a total cry baby. I'm so proud of that kid. He has had the most unbelievably difficult 18 months, yet he's persevered through it all. Even better? He and I are going to start writing together. I can't tell you how stoked I am by that.
Next...I received the support and declaration documents from my soon to be ex-wife. The support documents were pretty close to what I suspected. The declarations had a different number that was a really big deal to me. I told her that I wasn't happy or OK with that number. She ended up calling her attorney and I received an email telling me that I was not to bother her client anymore. That was awesome!! The rest of that day sucked big time. I eventually ended up talking to my ex again, but it was very cold.
Now here's where things get interesting. You might remember that in one of my earlier posts I mentioned that I was struggling with something, but I couldn't share it because it wasn't really my story to share. Well, it has now been shared with my boys, even though I wasn't consulted first, so I figure it's now out there and I can finally talk about it. So, here it goes....
My soon to be ex has a new boyfriend. She met him in February. I'm not going to go into the details about how I found out about him, it's not worth it, but she's totally in love with the guy. He's 31 (I think), has four kids that are 7 and under (I think), and he lives in Maine. We live in California. I think I shared that earlier. Anyway...when I found out it was really difficult for me. I am not proud of the way I reacted, but I got past it. To be honest, it was that situation that helped me find the word Mudita. I love the word mudita, even though it's not English. I am totally getting that tattooed on my shoulder.
Ok. So, since the day after Father's Day she has been on a trip to New Mexico with our boys. That was supposed to be my week with the boys, but she wanted to take them to visit her real dad, so I said OK. I didn't like it. I never like losing time with my boys (as I've said, they are the absolute most important thing in my life,) but I wasn't going to say no. That would make me a total jerk, and whatever anyone says about me, I'm not a total jerk. So they went on their trip. I've been texting the boys regularly, but it's important to me that I don't interfere with their time with their mom. I don't want to keep interrupting them, so I've kept my distance.
(I may regret this next part, but it's all true, so I'm going to stick to "the truth will set you free" mantra)
Last night I received a text from her asking me if the boys could stay with me during her first week in July. It was very nonchalant, but I'm not an idiot (I swear I'm not. Those of you rolling your eyes can totally bite me.) I was at a board meeting for my son's junior football program, and I can honestly say that I'm not totally certain what I voted yes on during the last 30 minutes of that meeting. I knew why she was asking me. She was asking me because she wanted to go see her new boyfriend in Maine. I was pissed......
Here's the thing, I will never say no to time with my boys (and she knows that.) Ever. But last night, before I responded to her text, I made plans for myself so that I would end up having to say no to extra time with my boys. I've actually been pretty lucky in that I've been asked to take the boys for extra time quite a few times over the last 8 1/2 months. I love that. It's awesome. But last night I told her I had plans, and that was true, but not until after she asked me to keep the boys during her week. That may make me a jerk, I don't know, but I do know that I've been asked numerous times to watch them during her time, but the only time I've asked her to watch them during my time was when I was at a conference for work. I won't give up my time with the boys voluntarily. That's just my decision. Other people might feel differently, and that's fine.
I made plans because I knew she was asking me to make things easy for her to go visit her new boyfriend. My personal opinion is that is not my job. I've spent over 20 years trying to make her life easier, but that is one area where I am going to make her figure things out on her own from this point on. I told her that, and we ended up talking on the phone. I told her before she called that I was angry (that's not an excuse) but she called anyway.
I yelled a lot last night on the phone. I'm not proud of that, but I did. I was angry that she wouldn't be honest with me about her intentions. That she wouldn't be honest with me about a lot of things. I let her have it last night. Everything that I've held back for the last 20 years because I knew it would hurt her....last night I said it. Actually, I didn't say most of it, I yelled it. I'm a jerk and I know it. That being said, there is only one thing that I said last night that I regret saying. There was one thing I said that was intended to hurt her and nothing else. How big of a jerk am I? So big that I don't remember what that one thing was. I know that I said one thing and immediately said that I was sorry because I didn't actually think that, but I knew it would be hurtful. I apologized right away, but that doesn't make it OK to say in the first place. I just wish I could remember what that one thing was.
There were a lot of other things I said that hurt her, but I know that those things were true. I'm tired of not saying things that I know are true, simply because I know the truth will make her feel bad. It is no longer my job to protect her from things that will make her feel bad. She has a new boyfriend who can do that. Just my opinion of course. If that makes me a jerk to some of you, I understand.
During our phone call last night I was told something else. I was informed that her new boyfriend showed up at her real dad's place to meet the boys. I had no idea he was going to be there when I agreed that she could take them during my time. Even better? We still haven't told the boys that we are getting divorced. I wanted to a long time ago, but when I told her that, she said she wanted to wait until after the school year was over. I knew she had a new boyfriend, though I didn't think she was going to bring him into my boy's lives without talking to me first, because in my opinion he's a total stranger (considering she's only been in the same location as him twice. Soon that will be 3 times.) I was wrong. She took from me my opportunity to do things the right way with my boys because she decided that what was best for her was best for all of us. She introduced him to the boys, before we ever told them that we were done. We had always said that we were going to do that together. Foolish me for believing that. I'm really not happy about it, but she made that decision on her own, so there is nothing I can do about it.
Adding insult to injury, she totally blocked me from Facebook. I'm not exactly sure when because we haven't been friends on FB for a while. I un-friended her during a weekend where I was pretty sure that I didn't want to see the pictures she was going to post. I know that makes me immature, but you can go ahead and judge me if you want. Anyway, we never actually blocked each other. That's not true. I did for about 24 hours during that weekend, but I told her that I did and I apologized for doing so. I actually haven't tried to look at her FB posts in a while, because I know there's nothing to see since we aren't friends on there anymore. Today though, I looked. I looked because of everything that happened yesterday. You know what I found? Apparently she doesn't exist on FB anymore. I work in the industry. I know that means she went through the effort of totally blocking me. I figure that's because she's decided there are things in her life she doesn't want me knowing about. I can understand that. I don't blame her. I will say this though, I won't block her (if she ever unblocks me) simply because I won't be doing anything that I'm not comfortable telling her about. That does not mean I think I'm doing things better than her. It simply means that I have decided to make different decisions.
I will not feel bad about that anymore.
Monday, June 2, 2014
It's going to be a slow week of posting....
I have the boys this week plus my son's 8th grade promotion. My guess is that I won't be able to post much, but for some reason I think next week will most likely go back to almost every day. I have some things bouncing around in my head that I think I'd like to put into words. Let me get through this week though. The kid's going to be in high school. Sorry, but I'm hoping that the more I say that, the more likely I'll finally believe it. The kid's going to be in high school.....nope. I'm still in denial and I'm OK with that.
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