Wow. 2 weeks!! I'm sorry. You know it's crazy, that seems like so long, but at the same time, with all of the things that have happened since my last post, I can't believe it's only been 2 weeks. Well, let me see if I can catch you up.
First, I'm not angry anymore. That last post actually did wonders for me. I was able to let go. More importantly, I realized that I was now able to talk to my boys about everything. I'm not going to share what we talked about. I thought about sharing, and there were some really good conversations in there with both of my boys, however, those are going to stay with me and them. I will say this though, my boys are crazy smart and intuitive. They get it from my mom. They see way more than I've given them credit for. Good for them.
OK, next. I had a really crappy day at work yesterday. Why was it crappy? Because it was the last day for one of my staff members. I love my staff. I consider all of them friends, and yesterday one of them moved away. He got a much better job, and he absolutely deserved it. I've actually been telling him for a while now that I couldn't afford him and that he could do better. He finally did and I'm so happy for him. At the same time, I am incredibly sad. He was part of "us". How do you replace that? The short answer is, you don't. The best I can hope for is that I can find someone who doesn't disrupt the great chemistry we have. Well, that's part of my job I suppose, and I'd like to think I'm decent at it, but there are no guarantees. I'm so happy for him, but I can't tell you how many times I've called him a butthead over the last couple of weeks. I sure hope he knows that I mean that as a term of endearment.
What else? Oh, I had a week there where I was actually excited about a woman. It turns out there's nothing there, but it was kind of nice to find out that I could be giddy again. Baby steps I know, but that was a pretty big one.
I'm going to end with this. My mother-in-law (Yes, I'm aware that's changing, but she's my mother-in-law until she tells me she's not)...anyway, my mother-in-law found out today that her skin cancer has come back. I can't tell you how bummed I was to hear that. I know that has been a constant fear of hers for years now, and to find out that it's back, well I can't even imagine what is going through her head. I feel so helpless. I was able to make her laugh a little bit today, which probably did more good for me than it did for her, but I wish I could do so much more. I can and will pray. I don't know what else to do.
Well, I need some sleep. Football starts next week but I'm planning on posting still. Heck, I'm not where I want to be and this is the best therapy I know. Goodnight my 4 readers. Thanks for putting up with me.
Friday, July 18, 2014
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
I'm struggling and I hate it...
You ever find yourself angry with someone and you can't let it go? I'm there right now and I absolutely hate it. I always feel like I should be better. How hard can it be to let go of things that are beyond your control so that you can feel better? For me? It's apparently really freakin' difficult. I'm going to try something here. I have no idea if it's going to work, and it might actually be a huge mistake. I'm going to expand on why I'm angry, with the hope that doing so will help me let go of that anger. I'm crossing my fingers that it will work. I promise that I have been praying about this a lot. I also know that there is a really good chance that I am going to come across as an angry, vindictive, a******. I know that, and if that's how you feel after reading this, I completely understand.
So here's the thing...my kids were involved this time. It wasn't just me, it was my boys. That changes things for me. That brings a whole new level of protective instincts out of me. I know that some of my decisions have made things incredibly difficult for my boys, but since I moved out I have tried so hard to insure that my decisions make things as easy as possible for them. That's why I've been telling my ex for weeks that we needed to tell the boys we weren't getting back together. I wanted to make things easier on her and them. I also figured it would make things easier on me. I need to be honest about that.
I knew she had a boyfriend. I've known for a long time. I told her that she shouldn't have to hide that from the boys. Of course, she told me up until last week that she didn't know how she felt about him. I haven't believed that for a while. I told her weeks ago that I could tell she was in love with the guy. She kept saying she wasn't. For the life of me I can't understand why she kept saying that. Anyway...I told her that we should talk to the boys, tell them we weren't getting back together. I figured once we did she would feel comfortable telling them about her boyfriend and that it would make things easier for all of us.
She kept saying she wanted to wait. She told me that we would do it together, but that she wanted to wait. So I waited. I didn't say a word. I swear I was trying to be nice. I was trying to do things her way. So, I watched and thought, what is going on? What is she doing? Let me give you an example...
Early last month my ex had an awful day at work and she called me to talk about it on her way home. I always enjoyed those conversations. I told her that I had confidence in her. That I knew she could handle things. Anyway, we talked for a long time, then I headed over to pick up the boys from her house. When I got there she was on the phone. I could hear the voice on the other end. It was a guy. I knew who it was. (I have to be honest, I wondered if he knew that she called me first. I still wonder actually. I don't know why, but I do. That probably makes me a bad person. Oh well. Judge me if you will.) So, she ends her conversation with, "He's here to pick up the boys. I'll talk to you soon.....I love you too, bye." I wasn't surprised by any of that. Unfortunately, I wasn't surprised with her next statement to me either. After she hung up she looked at me and said, "It was my mom." All I could do was smile and say, "It's none of my business who it was." I've told her for weeks that she has nothing to be ashamed of. That she has nothing to hide, yet she told me it was her mom. I even asked her about it again a week or so later and she got upset at me and told me again that it was her mom. She even asked if I wanted to call her mom to verify. There was a half second there where I totally wanted to call her mom.....(in case you haven't figured it out, it wasn't her mom, it was her boyfriend)
Here's why I bring that up. If it was that obvious to me, it's been that obvious to my boys. They aren't stupid. That couldn't have been the first phone call like that. Why not make things easier on yourself, and on my boys? She knew I wanted to tell them. I had told her over and over that I didn't think she was doing anything wrong by having a boyfriend. In fact, I had told her when I left that I knew she would find somebody quickly. Why try to hide that?
Gosh dangit this frustrates me. (Deep breath dude, this is supposed to help you let go of the anger) OK. So you already know that she decided to introduce her boyfriend to the boys before I/we ever got the chance to tell them we were getting divorced. I mentioned that a couple posts ago. I also mentioned that I got rather upset at her over the phone. Then, the next day there was the whole "thinking I was blocked on FaceBook thing" that got me even more upset. I need to repeat, I was wrong about that. You know what though? She was mad at me after our phone call. Are you serious? All I did was get upset because I had been lied to, and in my opinion my boys had been disrespected and put in an uncomfortable position. You're going to get upset at me for that? Really?
OK. So there's a bright side to her introducing her boyfriend to the boys. I can finally talk to them about it. I've wanted to for weeks and weeks, and now I can. So I talked to my youngest about it and I apologized to him for not telling him sooner that his mom and I weren't getting back together. I asked him when he figured it out, because I was curious. He said when they were driving into Sac. I said, "So she told you on your way out of town?" He said, "No, on our way back into town." I was so shocked that I couldn't stop myself from asking, "She didn't tell you before introducing you to her boyfriend?" He said, "Nope." He's 10. My anger went way up when I heard that. I can't understand the thought process that makes that OK. My poor kids. (Deep breath again. I actually had the best day I've had in months with my oldest because I was able to finally talk to him. He's amazing. Bright side man. Focus on the bright side.)
Alright, I feel the need to say this. I'm not at all upset that she introduced them to her boyfriend. I always knew that was going to happen. As I've said, I don't think she's doing anything wrong for falling for someone. I have to be honest though, I do question his character. I'm having a really difficult time coming to terms with a man who has no problem being introduced to his girlfriend's kids before the kids know she's divorcing their dad. I know it's really not my business, but I have this feeling that he is going to be around for a long time, and therefore a part of my boy's lives for a long time. I will always be concerned about people of questionable character who are around my boys. Maybe he didn't know. I'm actually hoping that's the case. I'm hoping he's a really good guy, because I don't want to think about what it will mean to my boys, or to my ex, if he isn't. (Even after all this, I don't want her to get hurt)
So why am I angry? I'm angry because a huge parenting decision, one that I've wanted to make for a long time, was taken away from me. I'm angry because my boys, the most important things in my entire life, were put in a really crappy situation and I wasn't given the chance to do anything about it. (My oldest in particular seems to be really conflicted by the whole thing) I'm angry because I was lied to when I was told that we would tell them together. I'm angry because I believed it when I heard that. I'm angry, and I hate the fact that I am. I'm not an angry guy. I'm actually a really positive dude. I've been told it's annoying that I'm positive all the time. I'm not at the moment, and that is driving me nuts.
And that is why I am posting this. My hope is that I will wake up in the morning and feel much better. I hope so because I have an early meeting. Speaking of work, as I've been typing this I've also been dealing with a "near catastrophe" at work. I say that, because I've taken care of it, and only like three people will know it happened, so to almost everyone else nothing ever happened. The cool thing is, it's all good. However, since it's all good, and I feel like a horrible person for making this post, I think I'm going to bed. I'm tired. No...I'm exhausted. Not physically, but emotionally. I have no idea how I will feel in the morning, but I assure all 4 of you that I will let you know if this post worked.
So here's the thing...my kids were involved this time. It wasn't just me, it was my boys. That changes things for me. That brings a whole new level of protective instincts out of me. I know that some of my decisions have made things incredibly difficult for my boys, but since I moved out I have tried so hard to insure that my decisions make things as easy as possible for them. That's why I've been telling my ex for weeks that we needed to tell the boys we weren't getting back together. I wanted to make things easier on her and them. I also figured it would make things easier on me. I need to be honest about that.
I knew she had a boyfriend. I've known for a long time. I told her that she shouldn't have to hide that from the boys. Of course, she told me up until last week that she didn't know how she felt about him. I haven't believed that for a while. I told her weeks ago that I could tell she was in love with the guy. She kept saying she wasn't. For the life of me I can't understand why she kept saying that. Anyway...I told her that we should talk to the boys, tell them we weren't getting back together. I figured once we did she would feel comfortable telling them about her boyfriend and that it would make things easier for all of us.
She kept saying she wanted to wait. She told me that we would do it together, but that she wanted to wait. So I waited. I didn't say a word. I swear I was trying to be nice. I was trying to do things her way. So, I watched and thought, what is going on? What is she doing? Let me give you an example...
Early last month my ex had an awful day at work and she called me to talk about it on her way home. I always enjoyed those conversations. I told her that I had confidence in her. That I knew she could handle things. Anyway, we talked for a long time, then I headed over to pick up the boys from her house. When I got there she was on the phone. I could hear the voice on the other end. It was a guy. I knew who it was. (I have to be honest, I wondered if he knew that she called me first. I still wonder actually. I don't know why, but I do. That probably makes me a bad person. Oh well. Judge me if you will.) So, she ends her conversation with, "He's here to pick up the boys. I'll talk to you soon.....I love you too, bye." I wasn't surprised by any of that. Unfortunately, I wasn't surprised with her next statement to me either. After she hung up she looked at me and said, "It was my mom." All I could do was smile and say, "It's none of my business who it was." I've told her for weeks that she has nothing to be ashamed of. That she has nothing to hide, yet she told me it was her mom. I even asked her about it again a week or so later and she got upset at me and told me again that it was her mom. She even asked if I wanted to call her mom to verify. There was a half second there where I totally wanted to call her mom.....(in case you haven't figured it out, it wasn't her mom, it was her boyfriend)
Here's why I bring that up. If it was that obvious to me, it's been that obvious to my boys. They aren't stupid. That couldn't have been the first phone call like that. Why not make things easier on yourself, and on my boys? She knew I wanted to tell them. I had told her over and over that I didn't think she was doing anything wrong by having a boyfriend. In fact, I had told her when I left that I knew she would find somebody quickly. Why try to hide that?
Gosh dangit this frustrates me. (Deep breath dude, this is supposed to help you let go of the anger) OK. So you already know that she decided to introduce her boyfriend to the boys before I/we ever got the chance to tell them we were getting divorced. I mentioned that a couple posts ago. I also mentioned that I got rather upset at her over the phone. Then, the next day there was the whole "thinking I was blocked on FaceBook thing" that got me even more upset. I need to repeat, I was wrong about that. You know what though? She was mad at me after our phone call. Are you serious? All I did was get upset because I had been lied to, and in my opinion my boys had been disrespected and put in an uncomfortable position. You're going to get upset at me for that? Really?
OK. So there's a bright side to her introducing her boyfriend to the boys. I can finally talk to them about it. I've wanted to for weeks and weeks, and now I can. So I talked to my youngest about it and I apologized to him for not telling him sooner that his mom and I weren't getting back together. I asked him when he figured it out, because I was curious. He said when they were driving into Sac. I said, "So she told you on your way out of town?" He said, "No, on our way back into town." I was so shocked that I couldn't stop myself from asking, "She didn't tell you before introducing you to her boyfriend?" He said, "Nope." He's 10. My anger went way up when I heard that. I can't understand the thought process that makes that OK. My poor kids. (Deep breath again. I actually had the best day I've had in months with my oldest because I was able to finally talk to him. He's amazing. Bright side man. Focus on the bright side.)
Alright, I feel the need to say this. I'm not at all upset that she introduced them to her boyfriend. I always knew that was going to happen. As I've said, I don't think she's doing anything wrong for falling for someone. I have to be honest though, I do question his character. I'm having a really difficult time coming to terms with a man who has no problem being introduced to his girlfriend's kids before the kids know she's divorcing their dad. I know it's really not my business, but I have this feeling that he is going to be around for a long time, and therefore a part of my boy's lives for a long time. I will always be concerned about people of questionable character who are around my boys. Maybe he didn't know. I'm actually hoping that's the case. I'm hoping he's a really good guy, because I don't want to think about what it will mean to my boys, or to my ex, if he isn't. (Even after all this, I don't want her to get hurt)
So why am I angry? I'm angry because a huge parenting decision, one that I've wanted to make for a long time, was taken away from me. I'm angry because my boys, the most important things in my entire life, were put in a really crappy situation and I wasn't given the chance to do anything about it. (My oldest in particular seems to be really conflicted by the whole thing) I'm angry because I was lied to when I was told that we would tell them together. I'm angry because I believed it when I heard that. I'm angry, and I hate the fact that I am. I'm not an angry guy. I'm actually a really positive dude. I've been told it's annoying that I'm positive all the time. I'm not at the moment, and that is driving me nuts.
And that is why I am posting this. My hope is that I will wake up in the morning and feel much better. I hope so because I have an early meeting. Speaking of work, as I've been typing this I've also been dealing with a "near catastrophe" at work. I say that, because I've taken care of it, and only like three people will know it happened, so to almost everyone else nothing ever happened. The cool thing is, it's all good. However, since it's all good, and I feel like a horrible person for making this post, I think I'm going to bed. I'm tired. No...I'm exhausted. Not physically, but emotionally. I have no idea how I will feel in the morning, but I assure all 4 of you that I will let you know if this post worked.
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