So let's just get to it. My ex is married. Yep. Our divorce was final the end of October and she was married before the end of November. Here's the thing...I'm not upset, I'm actually worried about her. The whole thing doesn't make sense to me. I'll explain.
I mentioned her boyfriend in a previous post. A quick refresher though... He lives in Maine (She's in California.) He got divorced earlier this year. He has four kids between the ages of 8 and 2 (I think), and he's almost 10 years younger than her. So with that, let me put together a timeline for you.
I moved out last October. I've gone into the reasons why, but to quickly summarize, we were both miserable and we both really resented each other. The deciding factor for me though was seeing how the stress was effecting my 15 year old. I had to change something. In January I told her I was going to file for either divorce or legal separation. I didn't file though. I was trying to find a way to initiate the changes that we needed. She decided to file for legal separation in February. That started the process. A few weeks later she decided to change the request for legal separation to a request for a dissolution (divorce for those not familiar with this process.)
In early May she told me she was going to San Francisco for a weekend because a friend of hers was having a big birthday party. The morning she left I actually asked her out on a date when she got back. She said yes. I thought both of us may have actually started to change and I wanted to see what we might be like together at that point. That was on a Thursday. I had been checking up on her all weekend to see how she was doing. I told her to let me know when she was heading home because I would worry about her until she did. She never told me. Then, on Sunday afternoon, after dropping my oldest son off at my former next door neighbor's house I actually passed by her on the street. I'll never forget it. My youngest starts saying, "Dad, dad...it's mom. Let's say hi!" He says this as we pass each other and I see the guy from Maine sitting in the passenger seat. I went from not being able to breath to breathing so fast that I was worried about hyperventilating in about 8.4 seconds. Luckily I was able to drive home safely.
Here's where I tell you about a part of me that is real jerk. I wanted to tell my youngest, "OK, let's go say hi." I wanted to wait just long enough for them to get comfortable in my old house and then show up with my son so that he could say hi to his mom and her new "friend." What I really wanted to do was wait about an hour and then tell my oldest, who was staying next door, to go surprise his mom by going through the garage to say hi. I didn't though. I can't imagine what that would have done to him. She says he would have just walked in on them talking at the table, but I know from my own experience with her that he would have walked in on much more. Those are the things I wanted to do...I'm a jerk. What I did though is tell her that her son was staying next door, that he might show up at any time, and that he might not like walking into that. They left the house. You know, she still tells me to this day that he surprised her in San Francisco. That she had no idea he was going to be there. I'm absolutely convinced that she is lying to me. I've become very familiar with what that looks like, and I'm not an idiot. She said yes to a date with me on the same day she left for a romantic weekend with her new boyfriend. That crushed me.
That was early May. In June she took the boys to New Mexico to visit her dad. I've mentioned that before too. He showed up in New Mexico too. That was the trip where she introduced our boys to her new boyfriend before we had told the boys we were getting divorced. I had wanted to tell them for weeks, but she kept saying she wanted to wait. I totally let her control that situation and I will forever regret doing so. That trip was important though. Those two days are the only two days my boys have ever spent with their mom's new husband. On top of that, her dad (I call him her sperm donor) met her future husband before her mom (her best friend) did.
She went to Maine for the 4th of July. It was perfect for me because I got to take my boys to the old neighborhood party. It was great. I had so much fun with them. Here's the weird thing. I was pretty sure she was going to end up engaged on that trip. I know it sounds crazy. She met him over the phone in February, saw him for the first time in May, and then ended up engaged in July while seeing him for only the third time in person. I was pretty sure though. I know her. Anyway, she came back. I told her I was surprised she wasn't engaged and she told me that would be crazy. Here's another thing that makes me a jerk. I saw her engagement ring a few weeks later. I was picking up my son from her house, she wasn't there, and he couldn't find something. I don't even remember what it was. I started looking for it with him. I knew he took his showers in her bathroom (he took them there when it was ours) so I went into her bathroom to see if it was there. I'll be honest, I wondered if she was engaged, and I knew where she kept her rings. I used the opportunity to look for something for my son to take a look (I already told you I was a jerk) and sure enough, there it was. An engagement ring. I knew she had been lying to me about that too. I'm actually pretty sure she was lying to her mom and almost everyone else about that too, but I can't prove it. So she did get engaged in early July. Our divorce wouldn't be final until the end of October. It was another blow.
Then Labor Day weekend came. Here's where things got really interesting. He came to visit. If I'm right, it was the 4th time they had actually spent time together, and they had already been engaged for almost two months. I met him. I asked them over. She dropped the boys off after church and introduced me to him at the door. They left quickly. I texted her and told her I was hoping to talk to him a bit. After all, there was a chance he was going to be a part of my boy's lives. They came back, we drank a beer, and I talked to him a bit. A couple of things I noticed during that meeting. She wasn't wearing a ring, but she was also doing a really good job of hiding her left hand. I still haven't figured out if she was hiding it from me or from him. He also said something during that meeting that bothered me. He has four young kids, and he said he would never take them camping, or on a plane because it would be too much work, or stress, or something like that. I grew up in a family of four kids. I never felt like my parents wouldn't do anything they could for us because they didn't want to deal with the hassle. Maybe I'm biased, but it bothered me.
Anyway, we get to Tuesday and she took off work to take him to the airport. After work that day I went to pick up my youngest from her house. He goes there after school. I'm at the front door waiting for him to get there and I hear him say bye to David. I look at her and say I thought he was leaving this morning. She tells me his plane was delayed. That's when it happened. I looked at her hand and saw the ring. I'm positive she had no intention of letting me see it. She wanted to keep it a secret, but she had to wear it when he was there, and she forgot to take it off. So, as my son walked out the door, I said in response to hearing his flight was delayed, "That's nice," then pointing at the ring I said, "and that's nice too." Then without saying another word I turned around and walked to the car and took my son home. On the way home I asked my youngest how he felt knowing his mom was getting married. He had no idea what I was talking about. When I got home I asked my oldest if he knew his mom was engaged. He said no. I didn't know what to say to them.
We met for coffee shortly after that because she wanted to talk. She actually got angry at me. She tried to make me feel guilty for telling the boys. She said that it had just happened and she didn't have a chance to tell them because they were with me. It was yet another lie. First of all, they both have cell phones, and I'm certain they would have answered if she called. Second, and more importantly, I knew she had been engaged for weeks and had chosen not to tell them. The fact that she tried to blame it on me was just another brick in the wall I had built since I had left. Anyway, I asked her if she was planning on moving to Maine and she said not until my youngest was out of high school. He's 10. That's like 8 years......
Moving forward, our divorce became final on October 26th. I won't say I was happy, because I wasn't. It was a very sad day for me. Since I was a young boy I dreamed of celebrating a 50th, a 75th anniversary, and on that day I knew I never would. However, I had more than enough evidence to know I was better off....
Thanksgiving was less than two weeks ago. It was great. My parents were visiting from Dubai, the boys were here, and the turkey I cooked on the grill turned out perfectly (well, I think so.) Making it even easier was the fact that she was in Maine. Here's where I hate the fact that I know her so well. I actually thought she might get married on the trip. I actually thought to myself that when she got back I would have to check her finger to see if she had a second band on the ring. That is, if she was wearing the ring, because I had noticed that she usually wasn't when I say her. Moving on, she got back on Nov. 28 and I dropped the boys off at her house that night. On the first I told her I was going to drop off the spousal support/child support check after work. She asked if she could stop by my place to talk. I said sure. She did, and then she said the words that I had already guessed....she was married.
There's the timeline....here's what has me worried. She says she's still not moving to Maine until my youngest is out of high school. That's another 7 1/2 years. She says they are keeping everything separate until then. Health insurance, medical insurance, etc. By getting married she just gave up $839 every month in spousal support. She says she's not getting anything from him, and she's not moving there for years. Why do that? Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that I'm now in control of that money instead of her, but it doesn't make any sense to me. If she really doesn't move until he's out of high school, she just forfeited $70,000. I'm certain she didn't do that to help me out, so I don't understand it.
He's another thing that worries me. Apparently she told my 15 year old a few days before she left that she was going to get married on the trip. Remember, he's spent less than two days with the guy. She didn't tell my 10 year old until she got back and it was already done. He had no idea. That's bad by itself, but here's what makes it worse. She came from a divorced family. Her mom totally took care of her as a child, and it was incredibly important to her mom to make sure she was involved in all of the decisions she made. I'm not sure my ex can even tell you how hurt she would be if her mom had gotten married to someone she hardly knew. I'm positive she would have been crushed if she couldn't have been there, and she was only 6. Knowing that about her past, I'm dumbfounded that she wouldn't think about those things before getting married herself. How could she not think about the boys knowing what she herself had been through?
The other thing that worries me is what I'm thinking about him. I know very little about him. I know he's 31. I know he has 4 kids. I know he just got divorced in January. I know that his ex still watched the kids during the day for months after, in fact she may still be watching them. I know that often she would get there early and climb into "their" bed before he woke up. I know that he proposed to a woman months before she was officially divorced. I know that he had no problem marrying a woman without developing any kind of relationship with her kids. I know that he had no problem marrying her without any of her family there to support her. I know that I absolutely don't trust him and I'm very worried about him spending time with my boys. I have very little respect for a man who would do those things. I'm really worried that he's controlling her during all of this. I'm worried that he's telling her what to do and she's just following along. It scares me.
So, what does that mean for me? I honestly have no idea. I know that I am absolutely committed to giving my boys some stability. I have them for two weeks and I have already had some of the best conversations I've ever had with them. My 15 year old in particular. He and I have never been more solid. They are my number one priority, and I won't do anything to cause them more stress than they already have.
As for me, I'm actually very lonely. I'm keeping a close eye on myself because I think I'm on the verge of depression. I want to be in a relationship. I loved being in a relationship. My mom has always said I'm a relationship guy, and now more than ever I believe her. I love being able to take care of someone else. Not because they need me to, but because I want to. I want to be someone's security, comfort. I want someone to know that they can count on me. I tried so hard to be that someone for my ex, and the fact that I couldn't figure out how will always be my biggest regret.
What do I want in return? Not much, at least I don't think so. I want to feel appreciated. I want to feel wanted. I'm probably going to regret this, but I love getting the random text from someone I care about as much as I love sending them. How do I find that person? I honestly don't know. Most of the women I know are married, and the few single woman I know just haven't created that spark. I've tried the online thing, but I suck at it. I'm actually very shy, which surprises many people. I'm totally comfortable once I know people, but put me in a room with people I don't know, especially attractive women, and I'll go totally speechless. I'm trying to get better at that. For now though, I'm going to accept that I'm going to be lonely.
Don't think I'm looking for sympathy. I'm not. I don't need anyone. More that ever I am so grateful to my mom and dad for raising me to be independent, resourceful, and competent in taking care of myself. I am so lucky to have had them as parents. I don't need anyone, but sharing things with someone who was there for me as much as I was there for them would be really nice. I hope I find that someday. It will be a bummer if it takes years to find that because I don't know how.
I go back to work tomorrow, and quite honestly, I haven't been good enough at work lately. I guess that will be the true test of whether or not this experiment, to put things into words, really worked. The students, teachers and staff in my district deserve me to be better. Hopefully tomorrow they will get the best me I can give them.
With that, thanks to my handful of followers. I will try to be better about posting. I have more time now, and I've actually enjoyed this, so I would guess there will more to come....
In early May she told me she was going to San Francisco for a weekend because a friend of hers was having a big birthday party. The morning she left I actually asked her out on a date when she got back. She said yes. I thought both of us may have actually started to change and I wanted to see what we might be like together at that point. That was on a Thursday. I had been checking up on her all weekend to see how she was doing. I told her to let me know when she was heading home because I would worry about her until she did. She never told me. Then, on Sunday afternoon, after dropping my oldest son off at my former next door neighbor's house I actually passed by her on the street. I'll never forget it. My youngest starts saying, "Dad, dad...it's mom. Let's say hi!" He says this as we pass each other and I see the guy from Maine sitting in the passenger seat. I went from not being able to breath to breathing so fast that I was worried about hyperventilating in about 8.4 seconds. Luckily I was able to drive home safely.
Here's where I tell you about a part of me that is real jerk. I wanted to tell my youngest, "OK, let's go say hi." I wanted to wait just long enough for them to get comfortable in my old house and then show up with my son so that he could say hi to his mom and her new "friend." What I really wanted to do was wait about an hour and then tell my oldest, who was staying next door, to go surprise his mom by going through the garage to say hi. I didn't though. I can't imagine what that would have done to him. She says he would have just walked in on them talking at the table, but I know from my own experience with her that he would have walked in on much more. Those are the things I wanted to do...I'm a jerk. What I did though is tell her that her son was staying next door, that he might show up at any time, and that he might not like walking into that. They left the house. You know, she still tells me to this day that he surprised her in San Francisco. That she had no idea he was going to be there. I'm absolutely convinced that she is lying to me. I've become very familiar with what that looks like, and I'm not an idiot. She said yes to a date with me on the same day she left for a romantic weekend with her new boyfriend. That crushed me.
That was early May. In June she took the boys to New Mexico to visit her dad. I've mentioned that before too. He showed up in New Mexico too. That was the trip where she introduced our boys to her new boyfriend before we had told the boys we were getting divorced. I had wanted to tell them for weeks, but she kept saying she wanted to wait. I totally let her control that situation and I will forever regret doing so. That trip was important though. Those two days are the only two days my boys have ever spent with their mom's new husband. On top of that, her dad (I call him her sperm donor) met her future husband before her mom (her best friend) did.
She went to Maine for the 4th of July. It was perfect for me because I got to take my boys to the old neighborhood party. It was great. I had so much fun with them. Here's the weird thing. I was pretty sure she was going to end up engaged on that trip. I know it sounds crazy. She met him over the phone in February, saw him for the first time in May, and then ended up engaged in July while seeing him for only the third time in person. I was pretty sure though. I know her. Anyway, she came back. I told her I was surprised she wasn't engaged and she told me that would be crazy. Here's another thing that makes me a jerk. I saw her engagement ring a few weeks later. I was picking up my son from her house, she wasn't there, and he couldn't find something. I don't even remember what it was. I started looking for it with him. I knew he took his showers in her bathroom (he took them there when it was ours) so I went into her bathroom to see if it was there. I'll be honest, I wondered if she was engaged, and I knew where she kept her rings. I used the opportunity to look for something for my son to take a look (I already told you I was a jerk) and sure enough, there it was. An engagement ring. I knew she had been lying to me about that too. I'm actually pretty sure she was lying to her mom and almost everyone else about that too, but I can't prove it. So she did get engaged in early July. Our divorce wouldn't be final until the end of October. It was another blow.
Then Labor Day weekend came. Here's where things got really interesting. He came to visit. If I'm right, it was the 4th time they had actually spent time together, and they had already been engaged for almost two months. I met him. I asked them over. She dropped the boys off after church and introduced me to him at the door. They left quickly. I texted her and told her I was hoping to talk to him a bit. After all, there was a chance he was going to be a part of my boy's lives. They came back, we drank a beer, and I talked to him a bit. A couple of things I noticed during that meeting. She wasn't wearing a ring, but she was also doing a really good job of hiding her left hand. I still haven't figured out if she was hiding it from me or from him. He also said something during that meeting that bothered me. He has four young kids, and he said he would never take them camping, or on a plane because it would be too much work, or stress, or something like that. I grew up in a family of four kids. I never felt like my parents wouldn't do anything they could for us because they didn't want to deal with the hassle. Maybe I'm biased, but it bothered me.
Anyway, we get to Tuesday and she took off work to take him to the airport. After work that day I went to pick up my youngest from her house. He goes there after school. I'm at the front door waiting for him to get there and I hear him say bye to David. I look at her and say I thought he was leaving this morning. She tells me his plane was delayed. That's when it happened. I looked at her hand and saw the ring. I'm positive she had no intention of letting me see it. She wanted to keep it a secret, but she had to wear it when he was there, and she forgot to take it off. So, as my son walked out the door, I said in response to hearing his flight was delayed, "That's nice," then pointing at the ring I said, "and that's nice too." Then without saying another word I turned around and walked to the car and took my son home. On the way home I asked my youngest how he felt knowing his mom was getting married. He had no idea what I was talking about. When I got home I asked my oldest if he knew his mom was engaged. He said no. I didn't know what to say to them.
We met for coffee shortly after that because she wanted to talk. She actually got angry at me. She tried to make me feel guilty for telling the boys. She said that it had just happened and she didn't have a chance to tell them because they were with me. It was yet another lie. First of all, they both have cell phones, and I'm certain they would have answered if she called. Second, and more importantly, I knew she had been engaged for weeks and had chosen not to tell them. The fact that she tried to blame it on me was just another brick in the wall I had built since I had left. Anyway, I asked her if she was planning on moving to Maine and she said not until my youngest was out of high school. He's 10. That's like 8 years......
Moving forward, our divorce became final on October 26th. I won't say I was happy, because I wasn't. It was a very sad day for me. Since I was a young boy I dreamed of celebrating a 50th, a 75th anniversary, and on that day I knew I never would. However, I had more than enough evidence to know I was better off....
Thanksgiving was less than two weeks ago. It was great. My parents were visiting from Dubai, the boys were here, and the turkey I cooked on the grill turned out perfectly (well, I think so.) Making it even easier was the fact that she was in Maine. Here's where I hate the fact that I know her so well. I actually thought she might get married on the trip. I actually thought to myself that when she got back I would have to check her finger to see if she had a second band on the ring. That is, if she was wearing the ring, because I had noticed that she usually wasn't when I say her. Moving on, she got back on Nov. 28 and I dropped the boys off at her house that night. On the first I told her I was going to drop off the spousal support/child support check after work. She asked if she could stop by my place to talk. I said sure. She did, and then she said the words that I had already guessed....she was married.
There's the timeline....here's what has me worried. She says she's still not moving to Maine until my youngest is out of high school. That's another 7 1/2 years. She says they are keeping everything separate until then. Health insurance, medical insurance, etc. By getting married she just gave up $839 every month in spousal support. She says she's not getting anything from him, and she's not moving there for years. Why do that? Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that I'm now in control of that money instead of her, but it doesn't make any sense to me. If she really doesn't move until he's out of high school, she just forfeited $70,000. I'm certain she didn't do that to help me out, so I don't understand it.
He's another thing that worries me. Apparently she told my 15 year old a few days before she left that she was going to get married on the trip. Remember, he's spent less than two days with the guy. She didn't tell my 10 year old until she got back and it was already done. He had no idea. That's bad by itself, but here's what makes it worse. She came from a divorced family. Her mom totally took care of her as a child, and it was incredibly important to her mom to make sure she was involved in all of the decisions she made. I'm not sure my ex can even tell you how hurt she would be if her mom had gotten married to someone she hardly knew. I'm positive she would have been crushed if she couldn't have been there, and she was only 6. Knowing that about her past, I'm dumbfounded that she wouldn't think about those things before getting married herself. How could she not think about the boys knowing what she herself had been through?
The other thing that worries me is what I'm thinking about him. I know very little about him. I know he's 31. I know he has 4 kids. I know he just got divorced in January. I know that his ex still watched the kids during the day for months after, in fact she may still be watching them. I know that often she would get there early and climb into "their" bed before he woke up. I know that he proposed to a woman months before she was officially divorced. I know that he had no problem marrying a woman without developing any kind of relationship with her kids. I know that he had no problem marrying her without any of her family there to support her. I know that I absolutely don't trust him and I'm very worried about him spending time with my boys. I have very little respect for a man who would do those things. I'm really worried that he's controlling her during all of this. I'm worried that he's telling her what to do and she's just following along. It scares me.
So, what does that mean for me? I honestly have no idea. I know that I am absolutely committed to giving my boys some stability. I have them for two weeks and I have already had some of the best conversations I've ever had with them. My 15 year old in particular. He and I have never been more solid. They are my number one priority, and I won't do anything to cause them more stress than they already have.
As for me, I'm actually very lonely. I'm keeping a close eye on myself because I think I'm on the verge of depression. I want to be in a relationship. I loved being in a relationship. My mom has always said I'm a relationship guy, and now more than ever I believe her. I love being able to take care of someone else. Not because they need me to, but because I want to. I want to be someone's security, comfort. I want someone to know that they can count on me. I tried so hard to be that someone for my ex, and the fact that I couldn't figure out how will always be my biggest regret.
What do I want in return? Not much, at least I don't think so. I want to feel appreciated. I want to feel wanted. I'm probably going to regret this, but I love getting the random text from someone I care about as much as I love sending them. How do I find that person? I honestly don't know. Most of the women I know are married, and the few single woman I know just haven't created that spark. I've tried the online thing, but I suck at it. I'm actually very shy, which surprises many people. I'm totally comfortable once I know people, but put me in a room with people I don't know, especially attractive women, and I'll go totally speechless. I'm trying to get better at that. For now though, I'm going to accept that I'm going to be lonely.
Don't think I'm looking for sympathy. I'm not. I don't need anyone. More that ever I am so grateful to my mom and dad for raising me to be independent, resourceful, and competent in taking care of myself. I am so lucky to have had them as parents. I don't need anyone, but sharing things with someone who was there for me as much as I was there for them would be really nice. I hope I find that someday. It will be a bummer if it takes years to find that because I don't know how.
I go back to work tomorrow, and quite honestly, I haven't been good enough at work lately. I guess that will be the true test of whether or not this experiment, to put things into words, really worked. The students, teachers and staff in my district deserve me to be better. Hopefully tomorrow they will get the best me I can give them.
With that, thanks to my handful of followers. I will try to be better about posting. I have more time now, and I've actually enjoyed this, so I would guess there will more to come....
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