I don't think I'm a total jerk, but I am most definitely a jerk. At the end of my post last night I said that my ex had blocked me on Facebook. I was really annoyed by that. I think I probably made that pretty clear. Here's the thing...she didn't block me. She actually disabled her account. She didn't block just me. I made an assumption and then I brought it up in a blog post.
You would think that after almost 40 years of life I would have learned not to make assumptions, but that is turning out to be one of the hardest lessons for me to learn. I was wrong to bring up Facebook in my post last night. I apologized to my ex. I shouldn't have done it.
If I might, please let me clarify a couple of other things about that part of last night's post. I said that I blocked her for a 24 hour period during a time when I was pretty sure I didn't want to see the pictures she was going to post. I did block her, and I apologized for doing so, but I don't think she ever posted a single picture that would have bothered me. I thought she might, I'm not going to lie, but I don't think she ever did. I should have known that she wouldn't.
I also said that I assumed she had things going on in her life that she didn't want me to know about. I then followed that up by saying that I would never block her because I would never do anything that I wasn't comfortable telling her about. That was mean, and wrong. It led my four readers to a place where they would most likely believe that she was doing things that she needed to hide, and that I thought I was better than her. Trust me when I say, I don't think that I am better that her. Again, that was me making an assumption and I should not have done so. The fact is, she didn't block me. The fact is that she's never denied a friend request from me. She and I both have unfriended each other on Facebook over the last 9 months, but I figure a lot of divorcing couples do that. The truth is, as far as I know, I'm the only one of the two of us who has ever blocked the other on Facebook.
Well, what can I say. I'm a jerk. If my ex ever happens to read this, I'm sorry for the Facebook portion of my post last night. I should not have made it.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
I'm back...
Hey there. How are my four readers doing? I'm sorry I've been gone so long. Crazy things have been happening and I'm just now catching my breath. Let me see if I can catch you up. Fair warning though, I'm a total jerk in part of this story. With that...let's begin.
My son was promoted from 8th grade. Just as I suspected, I was a total cry baby. I'm so proud of that kid. He has had the most unbelievably difficult 18 months, yet he's persevered through it all. Even better? He and I are going to start writing together. I can't tell you how stoked I am by that.
Next...I received the support and declaration documents from my soon to be ex-wife. The support documents were pretty close to what I suspected. The declarations had a different number that was a really big deal to me. I told her that I wasn't happy or OK with that number. She ended up calling her attorney and I received an email telling me that I was not to bother her client anymore. That was awesome!! The rest of that day sucked big time. I eventually ended up talking to my ex again, but it was very cold.
Now here's where things get interesting. You might remember that in one of my earlier posts I mentioned that I was struggling with something, but I couldn't share it because it wasn't really my story to share. Well, it has now been shared with my boys, even though I wasn't consulted first, so I figure it's now out there and I can finally talk about it. So, here it goes....
My soon to be ex has a new boyfriend. She met him in February. I'm not going to go into the details about how I found out about him, it's not worth it, but she's totally in love with the guy. He's 31 (I think), has four kids that are 7 and under (I think), and he lives in Maine. We live in California. I think I shared that earlier. Anyway...when I found out it was really difficult for me. I am not proud of the way I reacted, but I got past it. To be honest, it was that situation that helped me find the word Mudita. I love the word mudita, even though it's not English. I am totally getting that tattooed on my shoulder.
Ok. So, since the day after Father's Day she has been on a trip to New Mexico with our boys. That was supposed to be my week with the boys, but she wanted to take them to visit her real dad, so I said OK. I didn't like it. I never like losing time with my boys (as I've said, they are the absolute most important thing in my life,) but I wasn't going to say no. That would make me a total jerk, and whatever anyone says about me, I'm not a total jerk. So they went on their trip. I've been texting the boys regularly, but it's important to me that I don't interfere with their time with their mom. I don't want to keep interrupting them, so I've kept my distance.
(I may regret this next part, but it's all true, so I'm going to stick to "the truth will set you free" mantra)
Last night I received a text from her asking me if the boys could stay with me during her first week in July. It was very nonchalant, but I'm not an idiot (I swear I'm not. Those of you rolling your eyes can totally bite me.) I was at a board meeting for my son's junior football program, and I can honestly say that I'm not totally certain what I voted yes on during the last 30 minutes of that meeting. I knew why she was asking me. She was asking me because she wanted to go see her new boyfriend in Maine. I was pissed......
Here's the thing, I will never say no to time with my boys (and she knows that.) Ever. But last night, before I responded to her text, I made plans for myself so that I would end up having to say no to extra time with my boys. I've actually been pretty lucky in that I've been asked to take the boys for extra time quite a few times over the last 8 1/2 months. I love that. It's awesome. But last night I told her I had plans, and that was true, but not until after she asked me to keep the boys during her week. That may make me a jerk, I don't know, but I do know that I've been asked numerous times to watch them during her time, but the only time I've asked her to watch them during my time was when I was at a conference for work. I won't give up my time with the boys voluntarily. That's just my decision. Other people might feel differently, and that's fine.
I made plans because I knew she was asking me to make things easy for her to go visit her new boyfriend. My personal opinion is that is not my job. I've spent over 20 years trying to make her life easier, but that is one area where I am going to make her figure things out on her own from this point on. I told her that, and we ended up talking on the phone. I told her before she called that I was angry (that's not an excuse) but she called anyway.
I yelled a lot last night on the phone. I'm not proud of that, but I did. I was angry that she wouldn't be honest with me about her intentions. That she wouldn't be honest with me about a lot of things. I let her have it last night. Everything that I've held back for the last 20 years because I knew it would hurt her....last night I said it. Actually, I didn't say most of it, I yelled it. I'm a jerk and I know it. That being said, there is only one thing that I said last night that I regret saying. There was one thing I said that was intended to hurt her and nothing else. How big of a jerk am I? So big that I don't remember what that one thing was. I know that I said one thing and immediately said that I was sorry because I didn't actually think that, but I knew it would be hurtful. I apologized right away, but that doesn't make it OK to say in the first place. I just wish I could remember what that one thing was.
There were a lot of other things I said that hurt her, but I know that those things were true. I'm tired of not saying things that I know are true, simply because I know the truth will make her feel bad. It is no longer my job to protect her from things that will make her feel bad. She has a new boyfriend who can do that. Just my opinion of course. If that makes me a jerk to some of you, I understand.
During our phone call last night I was told something else. I was informed that her new boyfriend showed up at her real dad's place to meet the boys. I had no idea he was going to be there when I agreed that she could take them during my time. Even better? We still haven't told the boys that we are getting divorced. I wanted to a long time ago, but when I told her that, she said she wanted to wait until after the school year was over. I knew she had a new boyfriend, though I didn't think she was going to bring him into my boy's lives without talking to me first, because in my opinion he's a total stranger (considering she's only been in the same location as him twice. Soon that will be 3 times.) I was wrong. She took from me my opportunity to do things the right way with my boys because she decided that what was best for her was best for all of us. She introduced him to the boys, before we ever told them that we were done. We had always said that we were going to do that together. Foolish me for believing that. I'm really not happy about it, but she made that decision on her own, so there is nothing I can do about it.
Adding insult to injury, she totally blocked me from Facebook. I'm not exactly sure when because we haven't been friends on FB for a while. I un-friended her during a weekend where I was pretty sure that I didn't want to see the pictures she was going to post. I know that makes me immature, but you can go ahead and judge me if you want. Anyway, we never actually blocked each other. That's not true. I did for about 24 hours during that weekend, but I told her that I did and I apologized for doing so. I actually haven't tried to look at her FB posts in a while, because I know there's nothing to see since we aren't friends on there anymore. Today though, I looked. I looked because of everything that happened yesterday. You know what I found? Apparently she doesn't exist on FB anymore. I work in the industry. I know that means she went through the effort of totally blocking me. I figure that's because she's decided there are things in her life she doesn't want me knowing about. I can understand that. I don't blame her. I will say this though, I won't block her (if she ever unblocks me) simply because I won't be doing anything that I'm not comfortable telling her about. That does not mean I think I'm doing things better than her. It simply means that I have decided to make different decisions.
I will not feel bad about that anymore.
My son was promoted from 8th grade. Just as I suspected, I was a total cry baby. I'm so proud of that kid. He has had the most unbelievably difficult 18 months, yet he's persevered through it all. Even better? He and I are going to start writing together. I can't tell you how stoked I am by that.
Next...I received the support and declaration documents from my soon to be ex-wife. The support documents were pretty close to what I suspected. The declarations had a different number that was a really big deal to me. I told her that I wasn't happy or OK with that number. She ended up calling her attorney and I received an email telling me that I was not to bother her client anymore. That was awesome!! The rest of that day sucked big time. I eventually ended up talking to my ex again, but it was very cold.
Now here's where things get interesting. You might remember that in one of my earlier posts I mentioned that I was struggling with something, but I couldn't share it because it wasn't really my story to share. Well, it has now been shared with my boys, even though I wasn't consulted first, so I figure it's now out there and I can finally talk about it. So, here it goes....
My soon to be ex has a new boyfriend. She met him in February. I'm not going to go into the details about how I found out about him, it's not worth it, but she's totally in love with the guy. He's 31 (I think), has four kids that are 7 and under (I think), and he lives in Maine. We live in California. I think I shared that earlier. Anyway...when I found out it was really difficult for me. I am not proud of the way I reacted, but I got past it. To be honest, it was that situation that helped me find the word Mudita. I love the word mudita, even though it's not English. I am totally getting that tattooed on my shoulder.
Ok. So, since the day after Father's Day she has been on a trip to New Mexico with our boys. That was supposed to be my week with the boys, but she wanted to take them to visit her real dad, so I said OK. I didn't like it. I never like losing time with my boys (as I've said, they are the absolute most important thing in my life,) but I wasn't going to say no. That would make me a total jerk, and whatever anyone says about me, I'm not a total jerk. So they went on their trip. I've been texting the boys regularly, but it's important to me that I don't interfere with their time with their mom. I don't want to keep interrupting them, so I've kept my distance.
(I may regret this next part, but it's all true, so I'm going to stick to "the truth will set you free" mantra)
Last night I received a text from her asking me if the boys could stay with me during her first week in July. It was very nonchalant, but I'm not an idiot (I swear I'm not. Those of you rolling your eyes can totally bite me.) I was at a board meeting for my son's junior football program, and I can honestly say that I'm not totally certain what I voted yes on during the last 30 minutes of that meeting. I knew why she was asking me. She was asking me because she wanted to go see her new boyfriend in Maine. I was pissed......
Here's the thing, I will never say no to time with my boys (and she knows that.) Ever. But last night, before I responded to her text, I made plans for myself so that I would end up having to say no to extra time with my boys. I've actually been pretty lucky in that I've been asked to take the boys for extra time quite a few times over the last 8 1/2 months. I love that. It's awesome. But last night I told her I had plans, and that was true, but not until after she asked me to keep the boys during her week. That may make me a jerk, I don't know, but I do know that I've been asked numerous times to watch them during her time, but the only time I've asked her to watch them during my time was when I was at a conference for work. I won't give up my time with the boys voluntarily. That's just my decision. Other people might feel differently, and that's fine.
I made plans because I knew she was asking me to make things easy for her to go visit her new boyfriend. My personal opinion is that is not my job. I've spent over 20 years trying to make her life easier, but that is one area where I am going to make her figure things out on her own from this point on. I told her that, and we ended up talking on the phone. I told her before she called that I was angry (that's not an excuse) but she called anyway.
I yelled a lot last night on the phone. I'm not proud of that, but I did. I was angry that she wouldn't be honest with me about her intentions. That she wouldn't be honest with me about a lot of things. I let her have it last night. Everything that I've held back for the last 20 years because I knew it would hurt her....last night I said it. Actually, I didn't say most of it, I yelled it. I'm a jerk and I know it. That being said, there is only one thing that I said last night that I regret saying. There was one thing I said that was intended to hurt her and nothing else. How big of a jerk am I? So big that I don't remember what that one thing was. I know that I said one thing and immediately said that I was sorry because I didn't actually think that, but I knew it would be hurtful. I apologized right away, but that doesn't make it OK to say in the first place. I just wish I could remember what that one thing was.
There were a lot of other things I said that hurt her, but I know that those things were true. I'm tired of not saying things that I know are true, simply because I know the truth will make her feel bad. It is no longer my job to protect her from things that will make her feel bad. She has a new boyfriend who can do that. Just my opinion of course. If that makes me a jerk to some of you, I understand.
During our phone call last night I was told something else. I was informed that her new boyfriend showed up at her real dad's place to meet the boys. I had no idea he was going to be there when I agreed that she could take them during my time. Even better? We still haven't told the boys that we are getting divorced. I wanted to a long time ago, but when I told her that, she said she wanted to wait until after the school year was over. I knew she had a new boyfriend, though I didn't think she was going to bring him into my boy's lives without talking to me first, because in my opinion he's a total stranger (considering she's only been in the same location as him twice. Soon that will be 3 times.) I was wrong. She took from me my opportunity to do things the right way with my boys because she decided that what was best for her was best for all of us. She introduced him to the boys, before we ever told them that we were done. We had always said that we were going to do that together. Foolish me for believing that. I'm really not happy about it, but she made that decision on her own, so there is nothing I can do about it.
Adding insult to injury, she totally blocked me from Facebook. I'm not exactly sure when because we haven't been friends on FB for a while. I un-friended her during a weekend where I was pretty sure that I didn't want to see the pictures she was going to post. I know that makes me immature, but you can go ahead and judge me if you want. Anyway, we never actually blocked each other. That's not true. I did for about 24 hours during that weekend, but I told her that I did and I apologized for doing so. I actually haven't tried to look at her FB posts in a while, because I know there's nothing to see since we aren't friends on there anymore. Today though, I looked. I looked because of everything that happened yesterday. You know what I found? Apparently she doesn't exist on FB anymore. I work in the industry. I know that means she went through the effort of totally blocking me. I figure that's because she's decided there are things in her life she doesn't want me knowing about. I can understand that. I don't blame her. I will say this though, I won't block her (if she ever unblocks me) simply because I won't be doing anything that I'm not comfortable telling her about. That does not mean I think I'm doing things better than her. It simply means that I have decided to make different decisions.
I will not feel bad about that anymore.
Monday, June 2, 2014
It's going to be a slow week of posting....
I have the boys this week plus my son's 8th grade promotion. My guess is that I won't be able to post much, but for some reason I think next week will most likely go back to almost every day. I have some things bouncing around in my head that I think I'd like to put into words. Let me get through this week though. The kid's going to be in high school. Sorry, but I'm hoping that the more I say that, the more likely I'll finally believe it. The kid's going to be in high school.....nope. I'm still in denial and I'm OK with that.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
My oldest son is graduating 8th grade...Am I dreaming?
My oldest son is 14 years old, and next week will be his last in the 8th grade. He's going to be a freshman next year. How did that happen? I swear that he was just born yesterday. He's only a baby. Am I dreaming?
Actually, I know for certain that I am not dreaming. It is most definitely real. My son is no longer a baby. In fact, he's almost 6'1" tall and I haven't heard his voice crack in months. He's a young man. He's a teenager, who is about to be a high school student, and connecting with him is the most challenging thing in my life right now.
He's had a rough year and 1/2. All 13 and 14 year old's do. Add to that all of the things that were involved in my ex and I splitting up, and that kid has had a really rough 17 months. That being said, he's amazed me with how strong he's been and how well he's handled things. I'm incredibly proud of him. I've told him on more than one occasion that I know all of this must suck for him, and that if he ever wants to talk to me about it, that I want him to feel completely free to do so. He doesn't talk to me about it though. Sometimes I wonder if that's just a teenager thing, or if it has something to do with me moving out. I hope that someday he will be willing to tell me.
However, his grades have been great this year. He even got a call from the high school asking if he'd be interested in taking an AP social science course next year. I talked to him about it and he said yes. I told him that it will be a harder class and his response was, "Good, I like a challenge." That was honestly one of the coolest things he's ever said to me. That's my boy!!!
I did make him chuckle last night though. At the moment, it's little things like making him chuckle that I'm grasping onto. He had his final 8th grade dance last night and afterward he went to a friends house for an after party. I know, an after party in 8th grade? Of course I was that horrible dad who needed the address and phone number of the parents. I got the address (I had to pick him up at the end,) but I never got the phone number actually. I wanted to fight that, but I decided that wasn't the battle I needed to fight. I figured that I had the address, I could always drive by if I didn't trust what was going on. I didn't, and I'm pretty sure that I didn't need to. My son is a good kid. I know that, and I try to tell him that all of the time, but I also know that wants to be "cool" very badly. It makes me nervous. Letting him make his own decisions is not easy, but I know that I can't do anything about it.
So anyway, I pick him up after the party and I'm bringing back to my house. (I can't tell you how good it feels to say that after he didn't come last time.) So we're in the car and a group of guys on Harley's passed us going the other direction. My son mentioned one of their headlights needing to be fixed. It led to a conversation about Harley's. I told him that I want one and he seemed surprised. He actually said, "Midlife crisis." I smiled and looked at him and said, "Actually, I've wanted a Harley for years and years." He seemed surprised. I told him there are two things that have prevented me from getting one. He asked what. I said, "First, money. Those things aren't cheap and I've had other things that I felt were more important to spend my money on." I was starting to tell him the second reason and he throws out the word dangerous. I smiled again and said, "Because they're dangerous yes, but it's not what you're thinking. I don't have one because of you and your brother." He looked at me weird. I finished up by saying, "I know that you want me around as little as possible right now, but I'd actually like to be around long enough to see you and your brother become adults. So I won't be getting a Harley until that happens." He chuckled at what I said. My son chuckled. It was a good moment for me.
I then went on to tell him that being a dad is a huge responsibility, and that I take that responsibility very seriously even though I know it annoys him that I do. He seemed to get it. Not all is lost between us. Actually, I will never let that happen. He's too important.
In two weeks he starts freshman football practices. I'm totally stoked, and so is he. I really hope that there are other dad's out there watching practice, because if I'm the only one (and I will absolutely be watching) he's going to be mortified. Maybe I'll have to hide so that he doesn't see me, but I'm not missing those practices.
Anyway...I'm not dreaming, but sometimes I think I have to be.....
Actually, I know for certain that I am not dreaming. It is most definitely real. My son is no longer a baby. In fact, he's almost 6'1" tall and I haven't heard his voice crack in months. He's a young man. He's a teenager, who is about to be a high school student, and connecting with him is the most challenging thing in my life right now.
He's had a rough year and 1/2. All 13 and 14 year old's do. Add to that all of the things that were involved in my ex and I splitting up, and that kid has had a really rough 17 months. That being said, he's amazed me with how strong he's been and how well he's handled things. I'm incredibly proud of him. I've told him on more than one occasion that I know all of this must suck for him, and that if he ever wants to talk to me about it, that I want him to feel completely free to do so. He doesn't talk to me about it though. Sometimes I wonder if that's just a teenager thing, or if it has something to do with me moving out. I hope that someday he will be willing to tell me.
However, his grades have been great this year. He even got a call from the high school asking if he'd be interested in taking an AP social science course next year. I talked to him about it and he said yes. I told him that it will be a harder class and his response was, "Good, I like a challenge." That was honestly one of the coolest things he's ever said to me. That's my boy!!!
I did make him chuckle last night though. At the moment, it's little things like making him chuckle that I'm grasping onto. He had his final 8th grade dance last night and afterward he went to a friends house for an after party. I know, an after party in 8th grade? Of course I was that horrible dad who needed the address and phone number of the parents. I got the address (I had to pick him up at the end,) but I never got the phone number actually. I wanted to fight that, but I decided that wasn't the battle I needed to fight. I figured that I had the address, I could always drive by if I didn't trust what was going on. I didn't, and I'm pretty sure that I didn't need to. My son is a good kid. I know that, and I try to tell him that all of the time, but I also know that wants to be "cool" very badly. It makes me nervous. Letting him make his own decisions is not easy, but I know that I can't do anything about it.
So anyway, I pick him up after the party and I'm bringing back to my house. (I can't tell you how good it feels to say that after he didn't come last time.) So we're in the car and a group of guys on Harley's passed us going the other direction. My son mentioned one of their headlights needing to be fixed. It led to a conversation about Harley's. I told him that I want one and he seemed surprised. He actually said, "Midlife crisis." I smiled and looked at him and said, "Actually, I've wanted a Harley for years and years." He seemed surprised. I told him there are two things that have prevented me from getting one. He asked what. I said, "First, money. Those things aren't cheap and I've had other things that I felt were more important to spend my money on." I was starting to tell him the second reason and he throws out the word dangerous. I smiled again and said, "Because they're dangerous yes, but it's not what you're thinking. I don't have one because of you and your brother." He looked at me weird. I finished up by saying, "I know that you want me around as little as possible right now, but I'd actually like to be around long enough to see you and your brother become adults. So I won't be getting a Harley until that happens." He chuckled at what I said. My son chuckled. It was a good moment for me.
I then went on to tell him that being a dad is a huge responsibility, and that I take that responsibility very seriously even though I know it annoys him that I do. He seemed to get it. Not all is lost between us. Actually, I will never let that happen. He's too important.
In two weeks he starts freshman football practices. I'm totally stoked, and so is he. I really hope that there are other dad's out there watching practice, because if I'm the only one (and I will absolutely be watching) he's going to be mortified. Maybe I'll have to hide so that he doesn't see me, but I'm not missing those practices.
Anyway...I'm not dreaming, but sometimes I think I have to be.....
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Music...how the heck does it do that?
So I mentioned in one of my earlier posts that I totally dig musical theater. The truth is, I dig almost all music. I actually listen to music now more than I watch TV. There's something about it that almost seems magical. Have you ever been thinking something, or feeling something, and the exact right song comes on and totally takes over your emotions or thoughts? That happens to me all the time....how the heck does music do that? It makes me think of a scene from one of my favorite movies, "High Fidelity" (I know, way to switch genres right?):
I love that scene. Music is totally autobiographical. I have songs that take me back to my childhood, like anything by Barry Louis Polisar. I can't listen to Bruce Hornsby's album "Scenes from the Southside" without thinking about chilling in the car with Jeremy, my best friend from high school. "Two Princes" by Spin Doctors comes on and I'm back in college acting like a complete idiot singing it to my ex. The soundtrack to "Drumline" comes on and I'm riding in the car with boys and my ex, totally rocking out, and my mother-in-law can't stop laughing from how ridiculous the four of us are. I'm telling you....music seems almost magical.
I don't have a particular favorite style of music either. I will listen to almost anything depending on my mood. Today for instance, I have been devouring Skillet's album "Awake." I haven't listened to Skillet in months, but I heard a song of theirs over the weekend and when I got in the car this morning I thought that today would be a good Skillet day. Was it ever!!! There are honestly like 9 songs in a row on that album that run through the entire gamut of emotions I've felt over the last 8 months. Even more so, just the last 6 weeks. I had totally forgotten about those songs. I have no idea how I forgot about them, but I can tell you this, they are simply perfect for me right now.
Last week it was Eminem. I listened to "Lose Yourself" and "Not Afraid" so many times that I think my iPhone actually got sick of them. (Siri seemed to have some serious attitude and I think that's why.) The week before I was totally into Air1 music. I created a playlist called "Uplifting" and put only songs that encourage me or make me smile. I have a few songs off of Jadon Lavik's album "Roots Run Deep." It's an album of some of my favorite songs from church. "Come Thou Fount," "I Surrender All," and "Amazing Grace" are just a few. I also have "Lose My Soul" by TobyMac on that playlist. I love that song. There are a couple of songs by American Authors on there too. I'm becoming a fan of that group.
Before that I couldn't get enough of Maroon 5. If I could be a musician I would be Adam Levine. I think I would totally love being in a band like that, with a voice like that, singing music like that. As they know in my office, he's my music crush (Don't go thinking the word crush means anything, as those in my office know, it's not a crush like that.....I swear!!!).
There are actually times when I'll be thinking something, or feeling something, and I'll hop on the iTunes store to see if I can find a song that expresses what I'm feeling. I search for a title that I think just might exist. I always find something too. Music is like that. It was a search like that when I found the band Paradise Fears. I totally dig that band. It's also how I came across the band Parachute. I tell you what, there is music out there that can tell any story you want to tell. Probably better than you can tell it yourself actually. I know that's always been the case with me. It sure is today, though unfortunately for the few of you, you're stuck having to read this. Sorry. Don't know what to tell you.....
Dick: I guess it looks as if you're reorganizing your records. What is this though? Chronological?
Rob: No...
Dick: Not alphabetical...
Rob: Nope...
Dick: What?
Rob: Autobiographical.
Dick: No f***ing way.
I love that scene. Music is totally autobiographical. I have songs that take me back to my childhood, like anything by Barry Louis Polisar. I can't listen to Bruce Hornsby's album "Scenes from the Southside" without thinking about chilling in the car with Jeremy, my best friend from high school. "Two Princes" by Spin Doctors comes on and I'm back in college acting like a complete idiot singing it to my ex. The soundtrack to "Drumline" comes on and I'm riding in the car with boys and my ex, totally rocking out, and my mother-in-law can't stop laughing from how ridiculous the four of us are. I'm telling you....music seems almost magical.
I don't have a particular favorite style of music either. I will listen to almost anything depending on my mood. Today for instance, I have been devouring Skillet's album "Awake." I haven't listened to Skillet in months, but I heard a song of theirs over the weekend and when I got in the car this morning I thought that today would be a good Skillet day. Was it ever!!! There are honestly like 9 songs in a row on that album that run through the entire gamut of emotions I've felt over the last 8 months. Even more so, just the last 6 weeks. I had totally forgotten about those songs. I have no idea how I forgot about them, but I can tell you this, they are simply perfect for me right now.
Last week it was Eminem. I listened to "Lose Yourself" and "Not Afraid" so many times that I think my iPhone actually got sick of them. (Siri seemed to have some serious attitude and I think that's why.) The week before I was totally into Air1 music. I created a playlist called "Uplifting" and put only songs that encourage me or make me smile. I have a few songs off of Jadon Lavik's album "Roots Run Deep." It's an album of some of my favorite songs from church. "Come Thou Fount," "I Surrender All," and "Amazing Grace" are just a few. I also have "Lose My Soul" by TobyMac on that playlist. I love that song. There are a couple of songs by American Authors on there too. I'm becoming a fan of that group.
Before that I couldn't get enough of Maroon 5. If I could be a musician I would be Adam Levine. I think I would totally love being in a band like that, with a voice like that, singing music like that. As they know in my office, he's my music crush (Don't go thinking the word crush means anything, as those in my office know, it's not a crush like that.....I swear!!!).
There are actually times when I'll be thinking something, or feeling something, and I'll hop on the iTunes store to see if I can find a song that expresses what I'm feeling. I search for a title that I think just might exist. I always find something too. Music is like that. It was a search like that when I found the band Paradise Fears. I totally dig that band. It's also how I came across the band Parachute. I tell you what, there is music out there that can tell any story you want to tell. Probably better than you can tell it yourself actually. I know that's always been the case with me. It sure is today, though unfortunately for the few of you, you're stuck having to read this. Sorry. Don't know what to tell you.....
Monday, May 26, 2014
Being single means I live two separate lives
That sounds bad. That's not exactly what I meant. As usual, let me see if I can explain.
So I have my boys 50% of the time. We do one week on, one week off. It's been working pretty well I think. It sucks for the kids to have to pack up to come here, and slowly but surely I'm going to make sure they have everything they need here so that they won't have to, but for now it seems to work. School is still in session, which means that I see my boys almost everyday. I pick them up and take them to school. I try to pick them up after school as often as possible too. After school they go to their mom's, even on days I have them. I pick them up after work. That way we both get to see them almost every day. That's a good thing because I don't know I would do if I couldn't see them all the time.
Anyway, back to the separate lives thing. When my boys are here, they are my entire life. I am with them almost all the time. I mean, I'll run to the store, or hit the laundromat before they wake up, but for the most part I'm with them. If I'm going to do something with friends, I'm taking one or both of my boys with me. I say one or both because my 14 year old isn't all that keen on hanging out with dad. He would prefer to stay here. Every once in a while I can get him out, but not often. I was the same way. Back to the story....we'll go to little league games to hang out. We'll go to someone's house as long as the boy's have someone there to play with. Things like that. When I have my boys, my life is my boys.
What do I do when I don't have my boys though? Honestly, almost nothing. I'm pretty much a hermit. I've read A LOT. I have listened to every song on my iPhone more often than I want to admit. Recently my son has been in little league, so I've been able to do that quite a bit. I loved watching him play. It was literally my favorite thing to do for the last 2 1/2 months. He just had his last game though. That takes away one of my easy "get out of the house" things to do. I don't want it to sound like I've done nothing. I go to church on Sunday mornings. I have gotten together with friends a couple of times over the last few months. I went on those three dates that I mentioned. I also went dancing a couple of weeks ago. That was a big step for me. It was something that I would have said, "No" to just a few weeks ago. For the most part though, I'm a hermit.
Here's the reason I decided to write about this. I've decided it's time to stop being a hermit. I don't make friends very easily. I'm actually shy. People look at me like I'm an idiot when I say that, but I am shy. I have a difficult time initiating conversations. Now, once I'm a part of the conversation, look out!! I might not shut up. But I can sit in a room full of people I don't know and not say a word for hours. It's just who I've always been. I'm not going to be that way anymore though. I'm going to put myself in new social settings. I actually did that a couple of weeks ago. I went to a bar in town that someone had suggested. It was nice. It had a more mature crowd. Totally not the "meat market" feel that a lot of places have. I ended up talking to a guy about coaching. He was probably around 60, and I got to listen most of the time, and it was great. It was like everyone there knew each other and they were there for only one reason, to hang out with friends. I loved it. I plan on going back later this week during the farmer's market.
I figure, my entire life is being redefined. Maybe it's time to try to bust out of my shell. What's the worst that could happen? Actually, don't answer that!! Just let me find out for myself. I would imagine there is a really good chance that I will share with you what I discover.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
How do I communicate best?
That is a question I've been thinking about all day. My mom said something to me this morning (She's one of my 4 readers. Oh yeah, I said 4. This is getting out of control!) She mentioned that maybe I communicate better through writing than I do verbally. That's totally thrown me for a loop. Is that true? If so, crap. I talk all the time. I almost never write. This blog being the exception of course. (Leave me alone)
So, let me start with what I know. I know for a fact that I suck at communicating through text. I have a lot of evidence to back that up. My meaning, my sarcasm, my true self just does not come across through text. That sucks, but it's the truth. What else do I know? I know that I use way too many words. I've always known that I use too many words when I write (sorry) but I've only recently realized that I also use too many words when I talk (Thank you again mom. Seriously.) I had no idea. I honestly thought that talking was my bread and butter. Dude, how many different ways can you be wrong?
So I've been thinking all day, how do I communicate best? Maybe it's actually through a medium like this. Maybe, just maybe, it's through writing. I wonder. Here's the hardest part...I can't answer that question myself. I thought it was my verbal skills...yeah, not so much. Apparently. Through text? I know that's not the way. Do I communicate best through writing? Oh my gosh!!! What if I do? I never write. OK. I never wrote before this blog. Again, the 4 of you need to cut me some slack. I'm still trying to figure all of this out.
I have a problem though with the whole writing thing. My problem? I prefer face-to-face. I prefer that by a large margin. So what am I supposed to do? I figure I need to do the same thing I do on this blog, but I need to do it way faster. What does that mean? I'll try to explain. I actually type WAY more on this blog than what the 4 of you actually get to read. I do a ton of editing before I click on the publish button. Why? I use too many words. I edit this blog to get rid of all of the extraneous crap. I hope it's working. I actually had a boss recently who would proofread some of my emails and would point out where I used too many words. He was a Berkeley grad, which means he was way smarter than me by default, but I really appreciated his input. He would take 15 words and turn them into 5. It was awesome! I think I'm getting better at that here, but I'm not sure I've figured it out when talking. I hope I'm getting better there too. The 4 of you will have to let me know the next time we talk.
I have to say, this entire week has been totally liberating. I never expected that to happen, but it did. Please allow me to look up to Heaven and say, "Thank you." With that, once again, I'm out!!
So, let me start with what I know. I know for a fact that I suck at communicating through text. I have a lot of evidence to back that up. My meaning, my sarcasm, my true self just does not come across through text. That sucks, but it's the truth. What else do I know? I know that I use way too many words. I've always known that I use too many words when I write (sorry) but I've only recently realized that I also use too many words when I talk (Thank you again mom. Seriously.) I had no idea. I honestly thought that talking was my bread and butter. Dude, how many different ways can you be wrong?
So I've been thinking all day, how do I communicate best? Maybe it's actually through a medium like this. Maybe, just maybe, it's through writing. I wonder. Here's the hardest part...I can't answer that question myself. I thought it was my verbal skills...yeah, not so much. Apparently. Through text? I know that's not the way. Do I communicate best through writing? Oh my gosh!!! What if I do? I never write. OK. I never wrote before this blog. Again, the 4 of you need to cut me some slack. I'm still trying to figure all of this out.
I have a problem though with the whole writing thing. My problem? I prefer face-to-face. I prefer that by a large margin. So what am I supposed to do? I figure I need to do the same thing I do on this blog, but I need to do it way faster. What does that mean? I'll try to explain. I actually type WAY more on this blog than what the 4 of you actually get to read. I do a ton of editing before I click on the publish button. Why? I use too many words. I edit this blog to get rid of all of the extraneous crap. I hope it's working. I actually had a boss recently who would proofread some of my emails and would point out where I used too many words. He was a Berkeley grad, which means he was way smarter than me by default, but I really appreciated his input. He would take 15 words and turn them into 5. It was awesome! I think I'm getting better at that here, but I'm not sure I've figured it out when talking. I hope I'm getting better there too. The 4 of you will have to let me know the next time we talk.
I have to say, this entire week has been totally liberating. I never expected that to happen, but it did. Please allow me to look up to Heaven and say, "Thank you." With that, once again, I'm out!!
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