Well darn

You ever have one of those days where you wake up in the morning thinking, "Today is going to be one of the most amazing days of my life..."  then you get to the end of it and almost everything went the opposite of what you had thought?  I had one of those days. Dang. 

I tend to do that. I make this plan in my head and then I do everything I can to make it come true. That's actually something I've been trying to stop. See, nobody can make everything they want come true. I sure as heck try though. I need to figure out how to stop doing that.  It's a sure fire way to guarantee disappointment, for yourself and for others. Here's the thing though, when things go "according to plan" they can be truly amazing. I just can't stop myself from trying to make the amazing happen. Though I wish I could be one of those whatever happens kind of guys. 

Today just wasn't one of those "according to plan" days. Some of it was entirely my fault (often times is right?!?) though I swear I didn't realize it at the time. However, some of it wasn't my fault (I refuse to be blamed for a 5:30am text telling me about a work problem that I didn't cause.)  

All that being said, what I thought was going to be one of the most amazing days turned out to suck quite a bit. Not all of it sucked of course. In fact, I had one of the most incredible seconds of my life today (yes that can happen). Add to that, at one point today I had a truly amazing 40 minutes. I then followed it up by causing the worst 40 minutes of the day. I hate it when I do that (I do that too often.)  I swear I didn't mean to.  I think I'm a fairly decent guy, but I can still screw up. 

Why do I bring all that up?  I'm trying to figure out what I should have done differently and typing it out has helped me in the past. If I only had to deal with the things that weren't my fault today would have felt much different. It's always my own choices that cause the most heartache. That being said, should I stop hoping for the perfect day?  I honestly wish I could, but it's been 40 years and I haven't stopped trying to have those perfect days. I definitely need to get back in to see my shrink. 

Anyway, after a day like today I took myself out to dinner. I'm eating Pineapple Fried Rice with chicken and shrimp as I type this on my phone. Yeah, I totally added that to give myself an excuse for any typos.  As always, if I'm not with my boys, I'm having dinner alone. My boys come to my house in the morning and then my mom arrives tomorrow night. I can't wait. Tomorrow will be different. I'm not going to add to the challenges I'm confronted with by making stupid decisions. Well, I sure as heck hope I don't. Only time will tell. 

Returning with a bang!

I know it's been months and months, but I've decided it's time to come back and say hi.  Actually, I'm not here to say hi.  I'm back because it's been a week that's I simply cannot understand, and I'm hoping that putting it into words here may help me.  I'm at least going to give it shot.

So let's just get to it.  My ex is married.  Yep.  Our divorce was final the end of October and she was married before the end of November.  Here's the thing...I'm not upset, I'm actually worried about her.  The whole thing doesn't make sense to me.  I'll explain.

I mentioned her boyfriend in a previous post.  A quick refresher though...  He lives in Maine (She's in California.)  He got divorced earlier this year.  He has four kids between the ages of 8 and 2 (I think), and he's almost 10 years younger than her.  So with that, let me put together a timeline for you.

I moved out last October.  I've gone into the reasons why, but to quickly summarize, we were both miserable and we both really resented each other.  The deciding factor for me though was seeing how the stress was effecting my 15 year old.  I had to change something.  In January I told her I was going to file for either divorce or legal separation.  I didn't file though.  I was trying to find a way to initiate the changes that we needed.  She decided to file for legal separation in February.  That started the process.  A few weeks later she decided to change the request for legal separation to a request for a dissolution (divorce for those not familiar with this process.)

In early May she told me she was going to San Francisco for a weekend because a friend of hers was having a big birthday party.  The morning she left I actually asked her out on a date when she got back.  She said yes.  I thought both of us may have actually started to change and I wanted to see what we might be like together at that point.  That was on a Thursday.  I had been checking up on her all weekend to see how she was doing.  I told her to let me know when she was heading home because I would worry about her until she did.  She never told me.  Then, on Sunday afternoon, after dropping my oldest son off at my former next door neighbor's house I actually passed by her on the street.  I'll never forget it.  My youngest starts saying, "Dad, dad...it's mom.  Let's say hi!"  He says this as we pass each other and I see the guy from Maine sitting in the passenger seat.  I went from not being able to breath to breathing so fast that I was worried about hyperventilating in about 8.4 seconds.  Luckily I was able to drive home safely.

Here's where I tell you about a part of me that is real jerk.  I wanted to tell my youngest, "OK, let's go say hi."  I wanted to wait just long enough for them to get comfortable in my old house and then show up with my son so that he could say hi to his mom and her new "friend."  What I really wanted to do was wait about an hour and then tell my oldest, who was staying next door, to go surprise his mom by going through the garage to say hi.  I didn't though.  I can't imagine what that would have done to him.  She says he would have just walked in on them talking at the table, but I know from my own experience with her that he would have walked in on much more.  Those are the things I wanted to do...I'm a jerk.  What I did though is tell her that her son was staying next door, that he might show up at any time, and that he might not like walking into that.  They left the house.  You know, she still tells me to this day that he surprised her in San Francisco.  That she had no idea he was going to be there.  I'm absolutely convinced that she is lying to me.  I've become very familiar with what that looks like, and I'm not an idiot.  She said yes to a date with me on the same day she left for a romantic weekend with her new boyfriend.  That crushed me.

That was early May.  In June she took the boys to New Mexico to visit her dad.  I've mentioned that before too.  He showed up in New Mexico too.  That was the trip where she introduced our boys to her new boyfriend before we had told the boys we were getting divorced.  I had wanted to tell them for weeks, but she kept saying she wanted to wait.  I totally let her control that situation and I will forever regret doing so.  That trip was important though.  Those two days are the only two days my boys have ever spent with their mom's new husband.  On top of that, her dad (I call him her sperm donor) met her future husband before her mom (her best friend) did.

She went to Maine for the 4th of July.  It was perfect for me because I got to take my boys to the old neighborhood party.  It was great.  I had so much fun with them. Here's the weird thing.  I was pretty sure she was going to end up engaged on that trip.  I know it sounds crazy.  She met him over the phone in February, saw him for the first time in May, and then ended up engaged in July while seeing him for only the third time in person.  I was pretty sure though.  I know her.  Anyway, she came back.  I told her I was surprised she wasn't engaged and she told me that would be crazy.  Here's another thing that makes me a jerk.  I saw her engagement ring a few weeks later.  I was picking up my son from her house, she wasn't there, and he couldn't find something.  I don't even remember what it was.  I started looking for it with him.  I knew he took his showers in her bathroom (he took them there when it was ours) so I went into her bathroom to see if it was there.  I'll be honest, I wondered if she was engaged, and I knew where she kept her rings.  I used the opportunity to look for something for my son to take a look (I already told you I was a jerk) and sure enough, there it was.  An engagement ring.  I knew she had been lying to me about that too.  I'm actually pretty sure she was lying to her mom and almost everyone else about that too, but I can't prove it.  So she did get engaged in early July.  Our divorce wouldn't be final until the end of October.  It was another blow.

Then Labor Day weekend came.  Here's where things got really interesting.  He came to visit.  If I'm right, it was the 4th time they had actually spent time together, and they had already been engaged for almost two months.  I met him.  I asked them over.  She dropped the boys off after church and introduced me to him at the door.  They left quickly.  I texted her and told her I was hoping to talk to him a bit.  After all, there was a chance he was going to be a part of my boy's lives.  They came back, we drank a beer, and I talked to him a bit.  A couple of things I noticed during that meeting.  She wasn't wearing a ring, but she was also doing a really good job of hiding her left hand.  I still haven't figured out if she was hiding it from me or from him.  He also said something during that meeting that bothered me.  He has four young kids, and he said he would never take them camping, or on a plane because it would be too much work, or stress, or something like that.  I grew up in a family of four kids.  I never felt like my parents wouldn't do anything they could for us because they didn't want to deal with the hassle.  Maybe I'm biased, but it bothered me.

Anyway, we get to Tuesday and she took off work to take him to the airport.  After work that day I went to pick up my youngest from her house.  He goes there after school.  I'm at the front door waiting for him to get there and I hear him say bye to David.  I look at her and say I thought he was leaving this morning.  She tells me his plane was delayed.  That's when it happened.  I looked at her hand and saw the ring.  I'm positive she had no intention of letting me see it.  She wanted to keep it a secret, but she had to wear it when he was there, and she forgot to take it off.  So, as my son walked out the door, I said in response to hearing his flight was delayed, "That's nice," then pointing at the ring I said, "and that's nice too."  Then without saying another word I turned around and walked to the car and took my son home.  On the way home I asked my youngest how he felt knowing his mom was getting married.  He had no idea what I was talking about.  When I got home I asked my oldest if he knew his mom was engaged.  He said no.  I didn't know what to say to them.

We met for coffee shortly after that because she wanted to talk.  She actually got angry at me.  She tried to make me feel guilty for telling the boys.  She said that it had just happened and she didn't have a chance to tell them because they were with me.  It was yet another lie.  First of all, they both have cell phones, and I'm certain they would have answered if she called.  Second, and more importantly, I knew she had been engaged for weeks and had chosen not to tell them.  The fact that she tried to blame it on me was just another brick in the wall I had built since I had left.  Anyway, I asked her if she was planning on moving to Maine and she said not until my youngest was out of high school.  He's 10.  That's like 8 years......

Moving forward, our divorce became final on October 26th.  I won't say I was happy, because I wasn't.  It was a very sad day for me.  Since I was a young boy I dreamed of celebrating a 50th, a 75th anniversary, and on that day I knew I never would.  However, I had more than enough evidence to know I was better off....

Thanksgiving was less than two weeks ago.  It was great.  My parents were visiting from Dubai, the boys were here, and the turkey I cooked on the grill turned out perfectly (well, I think so.)  Making it even easier was the fact that she was in Maine.  Here's where I hate the fact that I know her so well.  I actually thought she might get married on the trip.  I actually thought to myself that when she got back I would have to check her finger to see if she had a second band on the ring.  That is, if she was wearing the ring, because I had noticed that she usually wasn't when I say her.  Moving on, she got back on Nov. 28 and I dropped the boys off at her house that night.  On the first I told her I was going to drop off the spousal support/child support check after work.  She asked if she could stop by my place to talk.  I said sure.  She did, and then she said the words that I had already guessed....she was married.

There's the timeline....here's what has me worried.  She says she's still not moving to Maine until my youngest is out of high school.  That's another 7 1/2 years.  She says they are keeping everything separate until then.  Health insurance, medical insurance, etc.  By getting married she just gave up $839 every month in spousal support.  She says she's not getting anything from him, and she's not moving there for years.  Why do that?  Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that I'm now in control of that money instead of her, but it doesn't make any sense to me.  If she really doesn't move until he's out of high school, she just forfeited $70,000.  I'm certain she didn't do that to help me out, so I don't understand it.

He's another thing that worries me.  Apparently she told my 15 year old a few days before she left that she was going to get married on the trip.  Remember, he's spent less than two days with the guy.  She didn't tell my 10 year old until she got back and it was already done.  He had no idea.  That's bad by itself, but here's what makes it worse.  She came from a divorced family.  Her mom totally took care of her as a child, and it was incredibly important to her mom to make sure she was involved in all of the decisions she made.  I'm not sure my ex can even tell you how hurt she would be if her mom had gotten married to someone she hardly knew.  I'm positive she would have been crushed if she couldn't have been there, and she was only 6.  Knowing that about her past, I'm dumbfounded that she wouldn't think about those things before getting married herself.  How could she not think about the boys knowing what she herself had been through?

The other thing that worries me is what I'm thinking about him.  I know very little about him.  I know he's 31.  I know he has 4 kids.  I know he just got divorced in January.  I know that his ex still watched the kids during the day for months after, in fact she may still be watching them.  I know that often she would get there early and climb into "their" bed before he woke up.  I know that he proposed to a woman months before she was officially divorced.  I know that he had no problem marrying a woman without developing any kind of relationship with her kids.  I know that he had no problem marrying her without any of her family there to support her.  I know that I absolutely don't trust him and I'm very worried about him spending time with my boys.  I have very little respect for a man who would do those things.  I'm really worried that he's controlling her during all of this.  I'm worried that he's telling her what to do and she's just following along.  It scares me.

So, what does that mean for me?  I honestly have no idea.  I know that I am absolutely committed to giving my boys some stability.  I have them for two weeks and I have already had some of the best conversations I've ever had with them.  My 15 year old in particular.  He and I have never been more solid.  They are my number one priority, and I won't do anything to cause them more stress than they already have.

As for me, I'm actually very lonely.  I'm keeping a close eye on myself because I think I'm on the verge of depression.  I want to be in a relationship.  I loved being in a relationship.  My mom has always said I'm a relationship guy, and now more than ever I believe her.  I love being able to take care of someone else.  Not because they need me to, but because I want to.  I want to be someone's security, comfort.  I want someone to know that they can count on me.  I tried so hard to be that someone for my ex, and the fact that I couldn't figure out how will always be my biggest regret.

What do I want in return?  Not much, at least I don't think so.  I want to feel appreciated.  I want to feel wanted.  I'm probably going to regret this, but I love getting the random text from someone I care about as much as I love sending them.  How do I find that person?  I honestly don't know.  Most of the women I know are married, and the few single woman I know just haven't created that spark.  I've tried the online thing, but I suck at it.  I'm actually very shy, which surprises many people.  I'm totally comfortable once I know people, but put me in a room with people I don't know, especially attractive women, and I'll go totally speechless.  I'm trying to get better at that.  For now though, I'm going to accept that I'm going to be lonely.

Don't think I'm looking for sympathy.  I'm not.  I don't need anyone.  More that ever I am so grateful to my mom and dad for raising me to be independent, resourceful, and competent in taking care of myself.  I am so lucky to have had them as parents.  I don't need anyone, but sharing things with someone who was there for me as much as I was there for them would be really nice.  I hope I find that someday.  It will be a bummer if it takes years to find that because I don't know how.

I go back to work tomorrow, and quite honestly, I haven't been good enough at work lately.  I guess that will be the true test of whether or not this experiment, to put things into words, really worked.  The students, teachers and staff in my district deserve me to be better.  Hopefully tomorrow they will get the best me I can give them.

With that, thanks to my handful of followers.  I will try to be better about posting.  I have more time now, and I've actually enjoyed this, so I would guess there will more to come....

I'm a head football coach. How did that happen?

Before I begin though, I got to watch my oldest practice today.  It was totally awesome!!!  I have not been able to watch him nearly as much as I've wanted to this summer, but their practices started an hour earlier today which benefits me a ton!!!  He's going to be a really good football player and I am going to be the proudest dad there is!!!

With that, let's talk about what I've gotten myself into.  Yes they're 10 and 11 year old's, but trust me when I say that this is real football.  Today's practice wasn't great, but honestly, I wasn't great today as their coach.  What can I say?  It was a long day.  That's no excuse though.  My squad deserves better.  Tomorrow they will get a better coach, and I'm hoping it rubs off on them.

So, this Saturday is our first real game.  I am so excited, and so nervous at the same time.  I have great assistant coaches, which helps so much, but ultimately it falls on me.  I won't shy away from that pressure, but that doesn't mean I don't feel it.  I have 31 kids on my squad.  Each of them has to play at least 8 plays every game.  That may not seem like a lot if you don't really know football, but if you do, and you want to win, that becomes a challenge.  I am determined to figure it out.  I am determined to have 31 kids enjoy their season.  I hope I can make that happen.

I'm also my teams offensive coordinator.  I didn't design the plays, which is a good thing because I don't think I could right now.  However, I'm figuring out the scheme that YCHS uses, which hopefully means I'll be preparing my boys for success at the high school level.  Here's the thing, I love the chess game that comes with that.  Let me give you an example...  My brother would be a great offensive coordinator.  I'm certain of it.  However, he would want to pass the ball a lot.  He and I had a rather intense conversation about that.  I got more fired up than I should have.  Here's the thing though.  (I wonder if he reads this.....)

I tried a really nice pass play today with my squad.  Honestly, it's the type of play that I would run once or twice a game and totally expect a TD out of it if I had the personnel to run it.  Guess what I found out today?  I have about 3.5 kids who can catch reliably, and I use the word reliably loosely.  That's not a bad thing.  They are 10 and 11 years old and remembering the route to run is difficult enough, let alone adding the responsibility of catching the ball.  Add to that even my best QB's struggle to make accurate throws and my passing game becomes very challenging.  I'll tell you what though, if they actually throw and catch successfully, it will be amazing!!!

Ok, time to go to bed.  Oh, on the personal front though, my ex says that she's not engaged.  I don't believe her.  I'm more than 50% sure that she is.  Good for her, though if she is it makes me sad for her, him, my boys, and my Mother-in-law (divorce isn't final until the end of October) that she doesn't feel like she can be honest about it.  That's not my problem anymore though.  Maybe I'm a total jerk for thinking that, but I've known her a long time.  More than half of my life if I'm being honest.  I think I know her well enough to know that she very well may be engaged, but she's ashamed to tell everyone.  That's too bad.  I think that if she did, most people would be really happy for her.  Oh well...either way, my boys and I are good.  I'm absolutely certain of that and that's really all that matters.

(My son will be a freshman in two days.  I will totally blog about that!!!)

Look out y'all, I am back

I'm not even going to look at how long it's been.  I know the answer is way too long.  The 4 of you have to forgive me.  It's been an absolutely crazy month.  That being said, I feel like I'm finally making progress fighting against the current.  Let me catch you up on some things.

The woman I was excited about...well, it ended up being nothing, but it was nice to know that I am able to feel things like that again.  I'm a long, long way from anything serious, but to be honest with you, I don't have the time right now anyway.  Here, I'll explain.....

I'm a head football coach of an 11 and 12 year old team.  I'm also a board member, equipment manager and webmaster of the league.  I promise you that I'm not saying that to toot my own horn.  I assure you that if you were to talk to people in the organization, there are a number of them that wished I wasn't any of those things.  I just say it so that you might understand why I haven't been posting.

OK, so the head football coach thing.  I have to be honest, it's something I've always wanted to try, but once it happened, I was scared to death.  I'd hate to fail and ruin things for the kids.  I've been really lucky though.  I have a couple of amazing assistant coaches.  One in particular is a total knowledge bank and is a totally mellow guy.  He is going to make me look way better than I really am.  I promise you that I tell as many people as I can that he is the most important person involved with our team.  Well, him and my team mom who has been lights out.  I really am lucky.

Continuing with football.  We had a scrimmage yesterday.  It was our first competition against another team, and it actually went pretty well.  I was really pleased.  The kids played really hard, and I think they had fun which is the most important part.  The crazy thing is, I think I'm starting to get a bit comfortable with this head coach thing.  I think that I just might be figuring it out.  Who'd of thunk.  Adding to the positives...my oldest was on the sideline with me watching.  It was so cool.  I loved having him there.  He even said I looked like a coach.  Whoa!!!

There was one bummer about the scrimmage.  My youngest played at the same time that my team did so I didn't get to see the touchdown pass he threw.  Trust me, that is really difficult for me, but without meaning to he made me feel better.  You should hear him describe the play.  It's awesome to listen to him!!  I love it.

OK, I have 237 things I still have to do tonight, so I'm going to cut this short.  I will say this though, I think my ex is engaged.  I'm not sure why I think that, but my gut tells me she is.  I'm not going to ask her because it's really none of my business, plus I don't think she'd be honest with me if I did ask.  That being said, I'm pretty sure.  Our divorce is final in late October, and he literally lives across the entire country, so I'm curious how that will work, but I have a feeling I'm going to find out.  The thing is, I'm not bothered by it at all.  Without going into details, I truly feel I did what was best for my kids, and therefore me, by making the decision I did.  We simply were not going to work.  I really, really, really hope that he is what she needs.  I'm praying.

With that...thanks guys, and peace out!!

Has it really been 2 weeks?!?

Wow.  2 weeks!!  I'm sorry.  You know it's crazy, that seems like so long, but at the same time, with all of the things that have happened since my last post, I can't believe it's only been 2 weeks.  Well, let me see if I can catch you up.

First, I'm not angry anymore.  That last post actually did wonders for me.  I was able to let go.  More importantly, I realized that I was now able to talk to my boys about everything.  I'm not going to share what we talked about.  I thought about sharing, and there were some really good conversations in there with both of my boys, however, those are going to stay with me and them.  I will say this though, my boys are crazy smart and intuitive.  They get it from my mom.  They see way more than I've given them credit for.  Good for them.

OK, next.  I had a really crappy day at work yesterday.  Why was it crappy?  Because it was the last day for one of my staff members.  I love my staff.  I consider all of them friends, and yesterday one of them moved away.  He got a much better job, and he absolutely deserved it.  I've actually been telling him for a while now that I couldn't afford him and that he could do better.  He finally did and I'm so happy for him.  At the same time, I am incredibly sad.  He was part of "us".  How do you replace that?  The short answer is, you don't.  The best I can hope for is that I can find someone who doesn't disrupt the great chemistry we have.  Well, that's part of my job I suppose, and I'd like to think I'm decent at it, but there are no guarantees.  I'm so happy for him, but I can't tell you how many times I've called him a butthead over the last couple of weeks.  I sure hope he knows that I mean that as a term of endearment.

What else?  Oh, I had a week there where I was actually excited about a woman.  It turns out there's nothing there, but it was kind of nice to find out that I could be giddy again.  Baby steps I know, but that was a pretty big one.

I'm going to end with this.  My mother-in-law (Yes, I'm aware that's changing, but she's my mother-in-law until she tells me she's not)...anyway, my mother-in-law found out today that her skin cancer has come back.  I can't tell you how bummed I was to hear that.  I know that has been a constant fear of hers for years now, and to find out that it's back, well I can't even imagine what is going through her head.  I feel so helpless.  I was able to make her laugh a little bit today, which probably did more good for me than it did for her, but I wish I could do so much more.  I can and will pray.  I don't know what else to do.

Well, I need some sleep.  Football starts next week but I'm planning on posting still.  Heck, I'm not where I want to be and this is the best therapy I know.  Goodnight my 4 readers.  Thanks for putting up with me.

I'm struggling and I hate it...

You ever find yourself angry with someone and you can't let it go?  I'm there right now and I absolutely hate it.  I always feel like I should be better.  How hard can it be to let go of things that are beyond your control so that you can feel better?  For me?  It's apparently really freakin' difficult.  I'm going to try something here.  I have no idea if it's going to work, and it might actually be a huge mistake.  I'm going to expand on why I'm angry, with the hope that doing so will help me let go of that anger.  I'm crossing my fingers that it will work.  I promise that I have been praying about this a lot.  I also know that there is a really good chance that I am going to come across as an angry, vindictive, a******.  I know that, and if that's how you feel after reading this, I completely understand.

So here's the thing...my kids were involved this time.  It wasn't just me, it was my boys.  That changes things for me.  That brings a whole new level of protective instincts out of me.  I know that some of my decisions have made things incredibly difficult for my boys, but since I moved out I have tried so hard to insure that my decisions make things as easy as possible for them.  That's why I've been telling my ex for weeks that we needed to tell the boys we weren't getting back together.  I wanted to make things easier on her and them.  I also figured it would make things easier on me.  I need to be honest about that.

I knew she had a boyfriend.  I've known for a long time.  I told her that she shouldn't have to hide that from the boys.  Of course, she told me up until last week that she didn't know how she felt about him.  I haven't believed that for a while.  I told her weeks ago that I could tell she was in love with the guy.  She kept saying she wasn't.  For the life of me I can't understand why she kept saying that.  Anyway...I told her that we should talk to the boys, tell them we weren't getting back together.  I figured once we did she would feel comfortable telling them about her boyfriend and that it would make things easier for all of us.

She kept saying she wanted to wait.  She told me that we would do it together, but that she wanted to wait.  So I waited.  I didn't say a word.  I swear I was trying to be nice.  I was trying to do things her way.  So, I watched and thought, what is going on?  What is she doing?  Let me give you an example...

Early last month my ex had an awful day at work and she called me to talk about it on her way home.  I always enjoyed those conversations.  I told her that I had confidence in her.  That I knew she could handle things.  Anyway, we talked for a long time, then I headed over to pick up the boys from her house.  When I got there she was on the phone.  I could hear the voice on the other end.  It was a guy.  I knew who it was.  (I have to be honest, I wondered if he knew that she called me first.  I still wonder actually.  I don't know why, but I do.  That probably makes me a bad person.  Oh well.  Judge me if you will.)  So, she ends her conversation with, "He's here to pick up the boys.  I'll talk to you soon.....I love you too, bye."  I wasn't surprised by any of that.  Unfortunately, I wasn't surprised with her next statement to me either.  After she hung up she looked at me and said, "It was my mom."  All I could do was smile and say, "It's none of my business who it was."  I've told her for weeks that she has nothing to be ashamed of.  That she has nothing to hide, yet she told me it was her mom.  I even asked her about it again a week or so later and she got upset at me and told me again that it was her mom.  She even asked if I wanted to call her mom to verify.  There was a half second there where I totally wanted to call her mom.....(in case you haven't figured it out, it wasn't her mom, it was her boyfriend)

Here's why I bring that up.  If it was that obvious to me, it's been that obvious to my boys.  They aren't stupid.  That couldn't have been the first phone call like that.  Why not make things easier on yourself, and on my boys?  She knew I wanted to tell them.  I had told her over and over that I didn't think she was doing anything wrong by having a boyfriend.  In fact, I had told her when I left that I knew she would find somebody quickly.  Why try to hide that?

Gosh dangit this frustrates me.  (Deep breath dude, this is supposed to help you let go of the anger)  OK.  So you already know that she decided to introduce her boyfriend to the boys before I/we ever got the chance to tell them we were getting divorced.  I mentioned that a couple posts ago.  I also mentioned that I got rather upset at her over the phone.  Then, the next day there was the whole "thinking I was blocked on FaceBook thing" that got me even more upset.  I need to repeat, I was wrong about that.  You know what though?  She was mad at me after our phone call.  Are you serious?  All I did was get upset because I had been lied to, and in my opinion my boys had been disrespected and put in an uncomfortable position.  You're going to get upset at me for that?  Really?

OK.  So there's a bright side to her introducing her boyfriend to the boys.  I can finally talk to them about it.  I've wanted to for weeks and weeks, and now I can.  So I talked to my youngest about it and I apologized to him for not telling him sooner that his mom and I weren't getting back together.  I asked him when he figured it out, because I was curious.  He said when they were driving into Sac.  I said, "So she told you on your way out of town?"  He said, "No, on our way back into town."  I was so shocked that I couldn't stop myself from asking, "She didn't tell you before introducing you to her boyfriend?"  He said, "Nope."  He's 10.  My anger went way up when I heard that.  I can't understand the thought process that makes that OK.  My poor kids. (Deep breath again.  I actually had the best day I've had in months with my oldest because I was able to finally talk to him.  He's amazing.  Bright side man.  Focus on the bright side.)

Alright, I feel the need to say this.  I'm not at all upset that she introduced them to her boyfriend.  I always knew that was going to happen.  As I've said, I don't think she's doing anything wrong for falling for someone.  I have to be honest though, I do question his character.  I'm having a really difficult time coming to terms with a man who has no problem being introduced to his girlfriend's kids before the kids know she's divorcing their dad.  I know it's really not my business, but I have this feeling that he is going to be around for a long time, and therefore a part of my boy's lives for a long time.  I will always be concerned about people of questionable character who are around my boys.  Maybe he didn't know.  I'm actually hoping that's the case.  I'm hoping he's a really good guy, because I don't want to think about what it will mean to my boys, or to my ex, if he isn't.  (Even after all this, I don't want her to get hurt)

So why am I angry?  I'm angry because a huge parenting decision, one that I've wanted to make for a long time, was taken away from me.  I'm angry because my boys, the most important things in my entire life, were put in a really crappy situation and I wasn't given the chance to do anything about it.  (My oldest in particular seems to be really conflicted by the whole thing)  I'm angry because I was lied to when I was told that we would tell them together.  I'm angry because I believed it when I heard that.  I'm angry, and I hate the fact that I am.  I'm not an angry guy.  I'm actually a really positive dude.  I've been told it's annoying that I'm positive all the time.  I'm not at the moment, and that is driving me nuts.

And that is why I am posting this.  My hope is that I will wake up in the morning and feel much better.  I hope so because I have an early meeting.  Speaking of work, as I've been typing this I've also been dealing with a "near catastrophe" at work.  I say that, because I've taken care of it, and only like three people will know it happened, so to almost everyone else nothing ever happened.  The cool thing is, it's all good.  However, since it's all good, and I feel like a horrible person for making this post, I think I'm going to bed.  I'm tired.  No...I'm exhausted.  Not physically, but emotionally.  I have no idea how I will feel in the morning, but I assure all 4 of you that I will let you know if this post worked.

So it turns out I'm a jerk

I don't think I'm a total jerk, but I am most definitely a jerk.  At the end of my post last night I said that my ex had blocked me on Facebook.  I was really annoyed by that.  I think I probably made that pretty clear.  Here's the thing...she didn't block me.  She actually disabled her account.  She didn't block just me.  I made an assumption and then I brought it up in a blog post.

You would think that after almost 40 years of life I would have learned not to make assumptions, but that is turning out to be one of the hardest lessons for me to learn.  I was wrong to bring up Facebook in my post last night.  I apologized to my ex.  I shouldn't have done it.

If I might, please let me clarify a couple of other things about that part of last night's post.  I said that I blocked her for a 24 hour period during a time when I was pretty sure I didn't want to see the pictures she was going to post.  I did block her, and I apologized for doing so, but I don't think she ever posted a single picture that would have bothered me.  I thought she might, I'm not going to lie, but I don't think she ever did.  I should have known that she wouldn't.

I also said that I assumed she had things going on in her life that she didn't want me to know about.  I then followed that up by saying that I would never block her because I would never do anything that I wasn't comfortable telling her about.  That was mean, and wrong.  It led my four readers to a place where they would most likely believe that she was doing things that she needed to hide, and that I thought I was better than her.  Trust me when I say, I don't think that I am better that her.  Again, that was me making an assumption and I should not have done so.  The fact is, she didn't block me.  The fact is that she's never denied a friend request from me.  She and I both have unfriended each other on Facebook over the last 9 months, but I figure a lot of divorcing couples do that.  The truth is, as far as I know, I'm the only one of the two of us who has ever blocked the other on Facebook.

Well, what can I say.  I'm a jerk.  If my ex ever happens to read this, I'm sorry for the Facebook portion of my post last night.  I should not have made it.