Returning with a bang!

I know it's been months and months, but I've decided it's time to come back and say hi.  Actually, I'm not here to say hi.  I'm back because it's been a week that's I simply cannot understand, and I'm hoping that putting it into words here may help me.  I'm at least going to give it shot.

So let's just get to it.  My ex is married.  Yep.  Our divorce was final the end of October and she was married before the end of November.  Here's the thing...I'm not upset, I'm actually worried about her.  The whole thing doesn't make sense to me.  I'll explain.

I mentioned her boyfriend in a previous post.  A quick refresher though...  He lives in Maine (She's in California.)  He got divorced earlier this year.  He has four kids between the ages of 8 and 2 (I think), and he's almost 10 years younger than her.  So with that, let me put together a timeline for you.

I moved out last October.  I've gone into the reasons why, but to quickly summarize, we were both miserable and we both really resented each other.  The deciding factor for me though was seeing how the stress was effecting my 15 year old.  I had to change something.  In January I told her I was going to file for either divorce or legal separation.  I didn't file though.  I was trying to find a way to initiate the changes that we needed.  She decided to file for legal separation in February.  That started the process.  A few weeks later she decided to change the request for legal separation to a request for a dissolution (divorce for those not familiar with this process.)

In early May she told me she was going to San Francisco for a weekend because a friend of hers was having a big birthday party.  The morning she left I actually asked her out on a date when she got back.  She said yes.  I thought both of us may have actually started to change and I wanted to see what we might be like together at that point.  That was on a Thursday.  I had been checking up on her all weekend to see how she was doing.  I told her to let me know when she was heading home because I would worry about her until she did.  She never told me.  Then, on Sunday afternoon, after dropping my oldest son off at my former next door neighbor's house I actually passed by her on the street.  I'll never forget it.  My youngest starts saying, "Dad, dad...it's mom.  Let's say hi!"  He says this as we pass each other and I see the guy from Maine sitting in the passenger seat.  I went from not being able to breath to breathing so fast that I was worried about hyperventilating in about 8.4 seconds.  Luckily I was able to drive home safely.

Here's where I tell you about a part of me that is real jerk.  I wanted to tell my youngest, "OK, let's go say hi."  I wanted to wait just long enough for them to get comfortable in my old house and then show up with my son so that he could say hi to his mom and her new "friend."  What I really wanted to do was wait about an hour and then tell my oldest, who was staying next door, to go surprise his mom by going through the garage to say hi.  I didn't though.  I can't imagine what that would have done to him.  She says he would have just walked in on them talking at the table, but I know from my own experience with her that he would have walked in on much more.  Those are the things I wanted to do...I'm a jerk.  What I did though is tell her that her son was staying next door, that he might show up at any time, and that he might not like walking into that.  They left the house.  You know, she still tells me to this day that he surprised her in San Francisco.  That she had no idea he was going to be there.  I'm absolutely convinced that she is lying to me.  I've become very familiar with what that looks like, and I'm not an idiot.  She said yes to a date with me on the same day she left for a romantic weekend with her new boyfriend.  That crushed me.

That was early May.  In June she took the boys to New Mexico to visit her dad.  I've mentioned that before too.  He showed up in New Mexico too.  That was the trip where she introduced our boys to her new boyfriend before we had told the boys we were getting divorced.  I had wanted to tell them for weeks, but she kept saying she wanted to wait.  I totally let her control that situation and I will forever regret doing so.  That trip was important though.  Those two days are the only two days my boys have ever spent with their mom's new husband.  On top of that, her dad (I call him her sperm donor) met her future husband before her mom (her best friend) did.

She went to Maine for the 4th of July.  It was perfect for me because I got to take my boys to the old neighborhood party.  It was great.  I had so much fun with them. Here's the weird thing.  I was pretty sure she was going to end up engaged on that trip.  I know it sounds crazy.  She met him over the phone in February, saw him for the first time in May, and then ended up engaged in July while seeing him for only the third time in person.  I was pretty sure though.  I know her.  Anyway, she came back.  I told her I was surprised she wasn't engaged and she told me that would be crazy.  Here's another thing that makes me a jerk.  I saw her engagement ring a few weeks later.  I was picking up my son from her house, she wasn't there, and he couldn't find something.  I don't even remember what it was.  I started looking for it with him.  I knew he took his showers in her bathroom (he took them there when it was ours) so I went into her bathroom to see if it was there.  I'll be honest, I wondered if she was engaged, and I knew where she kept her rings.  I used the opportunity to look for something for my son to take a look (I already told you I was a jerk) and sure enough, there it was.  An engagement ring.  I knew she had been lying to me about that too.  I'm actually pretty sure she was lying to her mom and almost everyone else about that too, but I can't prove it.  So she did get engaged in early July.  Our divorce wouldn't be final until the end of October.  It was another blow.

Then Labor Day weekend came.  Here's where things got really interesting.  He came to visit.  If I'm right, it was the 4th time they had actually spent time together, and they had already been engaged for almost two months.  I met him.  I asked them over.  She dropped the boys off after church and introduced me to him at the door.  They left quickly.  I texted her and told her I was hoping to talk to him a bit.  After all, there was a chance he was going to be a part of my boy's lives.  They came back, we drank a beer, and I talked to him a bit.  A couple of things I noticed during that meeting.  She wasn't wearing a ring, but she was also doing a really good job of hiding her left hand.  I still haven't figured out if she was hiding it from me or from him.  He also said something during that meeting that bothered me.  He has four young kids, and he said he would never take them camping, or on a plane because it would be too much work, or stress, or something like that.  I grew up in a family of four kids.  I never felt like my parents wouldn't do anything they could for us because they didn't want to deal with the hassle.  Maybe I'm biased, but it bothered me.

Anyway, we get to Tuesday and she took off work to take him to the airport.  After work that day I went to pick up my youngest from her house.  He goes there after school.  I'm at the front door waiting for him to get there and I hear him say bye to David.  I look at her and say I thought he was leaving this morning.  She tells me his plane was delayed.  That's when it happened.  I looked at her hand and saw the ring.  I'm positive she had no intention of letting me see it.  She wanted to keep it a secret, but she had to wear it when he was there, and she forgot to take it off.  So, as my son walked out the door, I said in response to hearing his flight was delayed, "That's nice," then pointing at the ring I said, "and that's nice too."  Then without saying another word I turned around and walked to the car and took my son home.  On the way home I asked my youngest how he felt knowing his mom was getting married.  He had no idea what I was talking about.  When I got home I asked my oldest if he knew his mom was engaged.  He said no.  I didn't know what to say to them.

We met for coffee shortly after that because she wanted to talk.  She actually got angry at me.  She tried to make me feel guilty for telling the boys.  She said that it had just happened and she didn't have a chance to tell them because they were with me.  It was yet another lie.  First of all, they both have cell phones, and I'm certain they would have answered if she called.  Second, and more importantly, I knew she had been engaged for weeks and had chosen not to tell them.  The fact that she tried to blame it on me was just another brick in the wall I had built since I had left.  Anyway, I asked her if she was planning on moving to Maine and she said not until my youngest was out of high school.  He's 10.  That's like 8 years......

Moving forward, our divorce became final on October 26th.  I won't say I was happy, because I wasn't.  It was a very sad day for me.  Since I was a young boy I dreamed of celebrating a 50th, a 75th anniversary, and on that day I knew I never would.  However, I had more than enough evidence to know I was better off....

Thanksgiving was less than two weeks ago.  It was great.  My parents were visiting from Dubai, the boys were here, and the turkey I cooked on the grill turned out perfectly (well, I think so.)  Making it even easier was the fact that she was in Maine.  Here's where I hate the fact that I know her so well.  I actually thought she might get married on the trip.  I actually thought to myself that when she got back I would have to check her finger to see if she had a second band on the ring.  That is, if she was wearing the ring, because I had noticed that she usually wasn't when I say her.  Moving on, she got back on Nov. 28 and I dropped the boys off at her house that night.  On the first I told her I was going to drop off the spousal support/child support check after work.  She asked if she could stop by my place to talk.  I said sure.  She did, and then she said the words that I had already guessed....she was married.

There's the timeline....here's what has me worried.  She says she's still not moving to Maine until my youngest is out of high school.  That's another 7 1/2 years.  She says they are keeping everything separate until then.  Health insurance, medical insurance, etc.  By getting married she just gave up $839 every month in spousal support.  She says she's not getting anything from him, and she's not moving there for years.  Why do that?  Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that I'm now in control of that money instead of her, but it doesn't make any sense to me.  If she really doesn't move until he's out of high school, she just forfeited $70,000.  I'm certain she didn't do that to help me out, so I don't understand it.

He's another thing that worries me.  Apparently she told my 15 year old a few days before she left that she was going to get married on the trip.  Remember, he's spent less than two days with the guy.  She didn't tell my 10 year old until she got back and it was already done.  He had no idea.  That's bad by itself, but here's what makes it worse.  She came from a divorced family.  Her mom totally took care of her as a child, and it was incredibly important to her mom to make sure she was involved in all of the decisions she made.  I'm not sure my ex can even tell you how hurt she would be if her mom had gotten married to someone she hardly knew.  I'm positive she would have been crushed if she couldn't have been there, and she was only 6.  Knowing that about her past, I'm dumbfounded that she wouldn't think about those things before getting married herself.  How could she not think about the boys knowing what she herself had been through?

The other thing that worries me is what I'm thinking about him.  I know very little about him.  I know he's 31.  I know he has 4 kids.  I know he just got divorced in January.  I know that his ex still watched the kids during the day for months after, in fact she may still be watching them.  I know that often she would get there early and climb into "their" bed before he woke up.  I know that he proposed to a woman months before she was officially divorced.  I know that he had no problem marrying a woman without developing any kind of relationship with her kids.  I know that he had no problem marrying her without any of her family there to support her.  I know that I absolutely don't trust him and I'm very worried about him spending time with my boys.  I have very little respect for a man who would do those things.  I'm really worried that he's controlling her during all of this.  I'm worried that he's telling her what to do and she's just following along.  It scares me.

So, what does that mean for me?  I honestly have no idea.  I know that I am absolutely committed to giving my boys some stability.  I have them for two weeks and I have already had some of the best conversations I've ever had with them.  My 15 year old in particular.  He and I have never been more solid.  They are my number one priority, and I won't do anything to cause them more stress than they already have.

As for me, I'm actually very lonely.  I'm keeping a close eye on myself because I think I'm on the verge of depression.  I want to be in a relationship.  I loved being in a relationship.  My mom has always said I'm a relationship guy, and now more than ever I believe her.  I love being able to take care of someone else.  Not because they need me to, but because I want to.  I want to be someone's security, comfort.  I want someone to know that they can count on me.  I tried so hard to be that someone for my ex, and the fact that I couldn't figure out how will always be my biggest regret.

What do I want in return?  Not much, at least I don't think so.  I want to feel appreciated.  I want to feel wanted.  I'm probably going to regret this, but I love getting the random text from someone I care about as much as I love sending them.  How do I find that person?  I honestly don't know.  Most of the women I know are married, and the few single woman I know just haven't created that spark.  I've tried the online thing, but I suck at it.  I'm actually very shy, which surprises many people.  I'm totally comfortable once I know people, but put me in a room with people I don't know, especially attractive women, and I'll go totally speechless.  I'm trying to get better at that.  For now though, I'm going to accept that I'm going to be lonely.

Don't think I'm looking for sympathy.  I'm not.  I don't need anyone.  More that ever I am so grateful to my mom and dad for raising me to be independent, resourceful, and competent in taking care of myself.  I am so lucky to have had them as parents.  I don't need anyone, but sharing things with someone who was there for me as much as I was there for them would be really nice.  I hope I find that someday.  It will be a bummer if it takes years to find that because I don't know how.

I go back to work tomorrow, and quite honestly, I haven't been good enough at work lately.  I guess that will be the true test of whether or not this experiment, to put things into words, really worked.  The students, teachers and staff in my district deserve me to be better.  Hopefully tomorrow they will get the best me I can give them.

With that, thanks to my handful of followers.  I will try to be better about posting.  I have more time now, and I've actually enjoyed this, so I would guess there will more to come....

I'm a head football coach. How did that happen?

Before I begin though, I got to watch my oldest practice today.  It was totally awesome!!!  I have not been able to watch him nearly as much as I've wanted to this summer, but their practices started an hour earlier today which benefits me a ton!!!  He's going to be a really good football player and I am going to be the proudest dad there is!!!

With that, let's talk about what I've gotten myself into.  Yes they're 10 and 11 year old's, but trust me when I say that this is real football.  Today's practice wasn't great, but honestly, I wasn't great today as their coach.  What can I say?  It was a long day.  That's no excuse though.  My squad deserves better.  Tomorrow they will get a better coach, and I'm hoping it rubs off on them.

So, this Saturday is our first real game.  I am so excited, and so nervous at the same time.  I have great assistant coaches, which helps so much, but ultimately it falls on me.  I won't shy away from that pressure, but that doesn't mean I don't feel it.  I have 31 kids on my squad.  Each of them has to play at least 8 plays every game.  That may not seem like a lot if you don't really know football, but if you do, and you want to win, that becomes a challenge.  I am determined to figure it out.  I am determined to have 31 kids enjoy their season.  I hope I can make that happen.

I'm also my teams offensive coordinator.  I didn't design the plays, which is a good thing because I don't think I could right now.  However, I'm figuring out the scheme that YCHS uses, which hopefully means I'll be preparing my boys for success at the high school level.  Here's the thing, I love the chess game that comes with that.  Let me give you an example...  My brother would be a great offensive coordinator.  I'm certain of it.  However, he would want to pass the ball a lot.  He and I had a rather intense conversation about that.  I got more fired up than I should have.  Here's the thing though.  (I wonder if he reads this.....)

I tried a really nice pass play today with my squad.  Honestly, it's the type of play that I would run once or twice a game and totally expect a TD out of it if I had the personnel to run it.  Guess what I found out today?  I have about 3.5 kids who can catch reliably, and I use the word reliably loosely.  That's not a bad thing.  They are 10 and 11 years old and remembering the route to run is difficult enough, let alone adding the responsibility of catching the ball.  Add to that even my best QB's struggle to make accurate throws and my passing game becomes very challenging.  I'll tell you what though, if they actually throw and catch successfully, it will be amazing!!!

Ok, time to go to bed.  Oh, on the personal front though, my ex says that she's not engaged.  I don't believe her.  I'm more than 50% sure that she is.  Good for her, though if she is it makes me sad for her, him, my boys, and my Mother-in-law (divorce isn't final until the end of October) that she doesn't feel like she can be honest about it.  That's not my problem anymore though.  Maybe I'm a total jerk for thinking that, but I've known her a long time.  More than half of my life if I'm being honest.  I think I know her well enough to know that she very well may be engaged, but she's ashamed to tell everyone.  That's too bad.  I think that if she did, most people would be really happy for her.  Oh well...either way, my boys and I are good.  I'm absolutely certain of that and that's really all that matters.

(My son will be a freshman in two days.  I will totally blog about that!!!)

Look out y'all, I am back

I'm not even going to look at how long it's been.  I know the answer is way too long.  The 4 of you have to forgive me.  It's been an absolutely crazy month.  That being said, I feel like I'm finally making progress fighting against the current.  Let me catch you up on some things.

The woman I was excited about...well, it ended up being nothing, but it was nice to know that I am able to feel things like that again.  I'm a long, long way from anything serious, but to be honest with you, I don't have the time right now anyway.  Here, I'll explain.....

I'm a head football coach of an 11 and 12 year old team.  I'm also a board member, equipment manager and webmaster of the league.  I promise you that I'm not saying that to toot my own horn.  I assure you that if you were to talk to people in the organization, there are a number of them that wished I wasn't any of those things.  I just say it so that you might understand why I haven't been posting.

OK, so the head football coach thing.  I have to be honest, it's something I've always wanted to try, but once it happened, I was scared to death.  I'd hate to fail and ruin things for the kids.  I've been really lucky though.  I have a couple of amazing assistant coaches.  One in particular is a total knowledge bank and is a totally mellow guy.  He is going to make me look way better than I really am.  I promise you that I tell as many people as I can that he is the most important person involved with our team.  Well, him and my team mom who has been lights out.  I really am lucky.

Continuing with football.  We had a scrimmage yesterday.  It was our first competition against another team, and it actually went pretty well.  I was really pleased.  The kids played really hard, and I think they had fun which is the most important part.  The crazy thing is, I think I'm starting to get a bit comfortable with this head coach thing.  I think that I just might be figuring it out.  Who'd of thunk.  Adding to the positives...my oldest was on the sideline with me watching.  It was so cool.  I loved having him there.  He even said I looked like a coach.  Whoa!!!

There was one bummer about the scrimmage.  My youngest played at the same time that my team did so I didn't get to see the touchdown pass he threw.  Trust me, that is really difficult for me, but without meaning to he made me feel better.  You should hear him describe the play.  It's awesome to listen to him!!  I love it.

OK, I have 237 things I still have to do tonight, so I'm going to cut this short.  I will say this though, I think my ex is engaged.  I'm not sure why I think that, but my gut tells me she is.  I'm not going to ask her because it's really none of my business, plus I don't think she'd be honest with me if I did ask.  That being said, I'm pretty sure.  Our divorce is final in late October, and he literally lives across the entire country, so I'm curious how that will work, but I have a feeling I'm going to find out.  The thing is, I'm not bothered by it at all.  Without going into details, I truly feel I did what was best for my kids, and therefore me, by making the decision I did.  We simply were not going to work.  I really, really, really hope that he is what she needs.  I'm praying.

With that...thanks guys, and peace out!!

Has it really been 2 weeks?!?

Wow.  2 weeks!!  I'm sorry.  You know it's crazy, that seems like so long, but at the same time, with all of the things that have happened since my last post, I can't believe it's only been 2 weeks.  Well, let me see if I can catch you up.

First, I'm not angry anymore.  That last post actually did wonders for me.  I was able to let go.  More importantly, I realized that I was now able to talk to my boys about everything.  I'm not going to share what we talked about.  I thought about sharing, and there were some really good conversations in there with both of my boys, however, those are going to stay with me and them.  I will say this though, my boys are crazy smart and intuitive.  They get it from my mom.  They see way more than I've given them credit for.  Good for them.

OK, next.  I had a really crappy day at work yesterday.  Why was it crappy?  Because it was the last day for one of my staff members.  I love my staff.  I consider all of them friends, and yesterday one of them moved away.  He got a much better job, and he absolutely deserved it.  I've actually been telling him for a while now that I couldn't afford him and that he could do better.  He finally did and I'm so happy for him.  At the same time, I am incredibly sad.  He was part of "us".  How do you replace that?  The short answer is, you don't.  The best I can hope for is that I can find someone who doesn't disrupt the great chemistry we have.  Well, that's part of my job I suppose, and I'd like to think I'm decent at it, but there are no guarantees.  I'm so happy for him, but I can't tell you how many times I've called him a butthead over the last couple of weeks.  I sure hope he knows that I mean that as a term of endearment.

What else?  Oh, I had a week there where I was actually excited about a woman.  It turns out there's nothing there, but it was kind of nice to find out that I could be giddy again.  Baby steps I know, but that was a pretty big one.

I'm going to end with this.  My mother-in-law (Yes, I'm aware that's changing, but she's my mother-in-law until she tells me she's not)...anyway, my mother-in-law found out today that her skin cancer has come back.  I can't tell you how bummed I was to hear that.  I know that has been a constant fear of hers for years now, and to find out that it's back, well I can't even imagine what is going through her head.  I feel so helpless.  I was able to make her laugh a little bit today, which probably did more good for me than it did for her, but I wish I could do so much more.  I can and will pray.  I don't know what else to do.

Well, I need some sleep.  Football starts next week but I'm planning on posting still.  Heck, I'm not where I want to be and this is the best therapy I know.  Goodnight my 4 readers.  Thanks for putting up with me.

I'm struggling and I hate it...

You ever find yourself angry with someone and you can't let it go?  I'm there right now and I absolutely hate it.  I always feel like I should be better.  How hard can it be to let go of things that are beyond your control so that you can feel better?  For me?  It's apparently really freakin' difficult.  I'm going to try something here.  I have no idea if it's going to work, and it might actually be a huge mistake.  I'm going to expand on why I'm angry, with the hope that doing so will help me let go of that anger.  I'm crossing my fingers that it will work.  I promise that I have been praying about this a lot.  I also know that there is a really good chance that I am going to come across as an angry, vindictive, a******.  I know that, and if that's how you feel after reading this, I completely understand.

So here's the thing...my kids were involved this time.  It wasn't just me, it was my boys.  That changes things for me.  That brings a whole new level of protective instincts out of me.  I know that some of my decisions have made things incredibly difficult for my boys, but since I moved out I have tried so hard to insure that my decisions make things as easy as possible for them.  That's why I've been telling my ex for weeks that we needed to tell the boys we weren't getting back together.  I wanted to make things easier on her and them.  I also figured it would make things easier on me.  I need to be honest about that.

I knew she had a boyfriend.  I've known for a long time.  I told her that she shouldn't have to hide that from the boys.  Of course, she told me up until last week that she didn't know how she felt about him.  I haven't believed that for a while.  I told her weeks ago that I could tell she was in love with the guy.  She kept saying she wasn't.  For the life of me I can't understand why she kept saying that.  Anyway...I told her that we should talk to the boys, tell them we weren't getting back together.  I figured once we did she would feel comfortable telling them about her boyfriend and that it would make things easier for all of us.

She kept saying she wanted to wait.  She told me that we would do it together, but that she wanted to wait.  So I waited.  I didn't say a word.  I swear I was trying to be nice.  I was trying to do things her way.  So, I watched and thought, what is going on?  What is she doing?  Let me give you an example...

Early last month my ex had an awful day at work and she called me to talk about it on her way home.  I always enjoyed those conversations.  I told her that I had confidence in her.  That I knew she could handle things.  Anyway, we talked for a long time, then I headed over to pick up the boys from her house.  When I got there she was on the phone.  I could hear the voice on the other end.  It was a guy.  I knew who it was.  (I have to be honest, I wondered if he knew that she called me first.  I still wonder actually.  I don't know why, but I do.  That probably makes me a bad person.  Oh well.  Judge me if you will.)  So, she ends her conversation with, "He's here to pick up the boys.  I'll talk to you soon.....I love you too, bye."  I wasn't surprised by any of that.  Unfortunately, I wasn't surprised with her next statement to me either.  After she hung up she looked at me and said, "It was my mom."  All I could do was smile and say, "It's none of my business who it was."  I've told her for weeks that she has nothing to be ashamed of.  That she has nothing to hide, yet she told me it was her mom.  I even asked her about it again a week or so later and she got upset at me and told me again that it was her mom.  She even asked if I wanted to call her mom to verify.  There was a half second there where I totally wanted to call her mom.....(in case you haven't figured it out, it wasn't her mom, it was her boyfriend)

Here's why I bring that up.  If it was that obvious to me, it's been that obvious to my boys.  They aren't stupid.  That couldn't have been the first phone call like that.  Why not make things easier on yourself, and on my boys?  She knew I wanted to tell them.  I had told her over and over that I didn't think she was doing anything wrong by having a boyfriend.  In fact, I had told her when I left that I knew she would find somebody quickly.  Why try to hide that?

Gosh dangit this frustrates me.  (Deep breath dude, this is supposed to help you let go of the anger)  OK.  So you already know that she decided to introduce her boyfriend to the boys before I/we ever got the chance to tell them we were getting divorced.  I mentioned that a couple posts ago.  I also mentioned that I got rather upset at her over the phone.  Then, the next day there was the whole "thinking I was blocked on FaceBook thing" that got me even more upset.  I need to repeat, I was wrong about that.  You know what though?  She was mad at me after our phone call.  Are you serious?  All I did was get upset because I had been lied to, and in my opinion my boys had been disrespected and put in an uncomfortable position.  You're going to get upset at me for that?  Really?

OK.  So there's a bright side to her introducing her boyfriend to the boys.  I can finally talk to them about it.  I've wanted to for weeks and weeks, and now I can.  So I talked to my youngest about it and I apologized to him for not telling him sooner that his mom and I weren't getting back together.  I asked him when he figured it out, because I was curious.  He said when they were driving into Sac.  I said, "So she told you on your way out of town?"  He said, "No, on our way back into town."  I was so shocked that I couldn't stop myself from asking, "She didn't tell you before introducing you to her boyfriend?"  He said, "Nope."  He's 10.  My anger went way up when I heard that.  I can't understand the thought process that makes that OK.  My poor kids. (Deep breath again.  I actually had the best day I've had in months with my oldest because I was able to finally talk to him.  He's amazing.  Bright side man.  Focus on the bright side.)

Alright, I feel the need to say this.  I'm not at all upset that she introduced them to her boyfriend.  I always knew that was going to happen.  As I've said, I don't think she's doing anything wrong for falling for someone.  I have to be honest though, I do question his character.  I'm having a really difficult time coming to terms with a man who has no problem being introduced to his girlfriend's kids before the kids know she's divorcing their dad.  I know it's really not my business, but I have this feeling that he is going to be around for a long time, and therefore a part of my boy's lives for a long time.  I will always be concerned about people of questionable character who are around my boys.  Maybe he didn't know.  I'm actually hoping that's the case.  I'm hoping he's a really good guy, because I don't want to think about what it will mean to my boys, or to my ex, if he isn't.  (Even after all this, I don't want her to get hurt)

So why am I angry?  I'm angry because a huge parenting decision, one that I've wanted to make for a long time, was taken away from me.  I'm angry because my boys, the most important things in my entire life, were put in a really crappy situation and I wasn't given the chance to do anything about it.  (My oldest in particular seems to be really conflicted by the whole thing)  I'm angry because I was lied to when I was told that we would tell them together.  I'm angry because I believed it when I heard that.  I'm angry, and I hate the fact that I am.  I'm not an angry guy.  I'm actually a really positive dude.  I've been told it's annoying that I'm positive all the time.  I'm not at the moment, and that is driving me nuts.

And that is why I am posting this.  My hope is that I will wake up in the morning and feel much better.  I hope so because I have an early meeting.  Speaking of work, as I've been typing this I've also been dealing with a "near catastrophe" at work.  I say that, because I've taken care of it, and only like three people will know it happened, so to almost everyone else nothing ever happened.  The cool thing is, it's all good.  However, since it's all good, and I feel like a horrible person for making this post, I think I'm going to bed.  I'm tired.  No...I'm exhausted.  Not physically, but emotionally.  I have no idea how I will feel in the morning, but I assure all 4 of you that I will let you know if this post worked.

So it turns out I'm a jerk

I don't think I'm a total jerk, but I am most definitely a jerk.  At the end of my post last night I said that my ex had blocked me on Facebook.  I was really annoyed by that.  I think I probably made that pretty clear.  Here's the thing...she didn't block me.  She actually disabled her account.  She didn't block just me.  I made an assumption and then I brought it up in a blog post.

You would think that after almost 40 years of life I would have learned not to make assumptions, but that is turning out to be one of the hardest lessons for me to learn.  I was wrong to bring up Facebook in my post last night.  I apologized to my ex.  I shouldn't have done it.

If I might, please let me clarify a couple of other things about that part of last night's post.  I said that I blocked her for a 24 hour period during a time when I was pretty sure I didn't want to see the pictures she was going to post.  I did block her, and I apologized for doing so, but I don't think she ever posted a single picture that would have bothered me.  I thought she might, I'm not going to lie, but I don't think she ever did.  I should have known that she wouldn't.

I also said that I assumed she had things going on in her life that she didn't want me to know about.  I then followed that up by saying that I would never block her because I would never do anything that I wasn't comfortable telling her about.  That was mean, and wrong.  It led my four readers to a place where they would most likely believe that she was doing things that she needed to hide, and that I thought I was better than her.  Trust me when I say, I don't think that I am better that her.  Again, that was me making an assumption and I should not have done so.  The fact is, she didn't block me.  The fact is that she's never denied a friend request from me.  She and I both have unfriended each other on Facebook over the last 9 months, but I figure a lot of divorcing couples do that.  The truth is, as far as I know, I'm the only one of the two of us who has ever blocked the other on Facebook.

Well, what can I say.  I'm a jerk.  If my ex ever happens to read this, I'm sorry for the Facebook portion of my post last night.  I should not have made it.

I'm back...

Hey there.  How are my four readers doing?  I'm sorry I've been gone so long.  Crazy things have been happening and I'm just now catching my breath.  Let me see if I can catch you up.  Fair warning though, I'm a total jerk in part of this story.  With that...let's begin.

My son was promoted from 8th grade.  Just as I suspected, I was a total cry baby.  I'm so proud of that kid.  He has had the most unbelievably difficult 18 months, yet he's persevered through it all.  Even better?  He and I are going to start writing together.  I can't tell you how stoked I am by that.

Next...I received the support and declaration documents from my soon to be ex-wife.  The support documents were pretty close to what I suspected.  The declarations had a different number that was a really big deal to me.  I told her that I wasn't happy or OK with that number.  She ended up calling her attorney and I received an email telling me that I was not to bother her client anymore.  That was awesome!!  The rest of that day sucked big time.  I eventually ended up talking to my ex again, but it was very cold.

Now here's where things get interesting.  You might remember that in one of my earlier posts I mentioned that I was struggling with something, but I couldn't share it because it wasn't really my story to share.  Well, it has now been shared with my boys, even though I wasn't consulted first, so I figure it's now out there and I can finally talk about it.  So, here it goes....

My soon to be ex has a new boyfriend.  She met him in February.  I'm not going to go into the details about how I found out about him, it's not worth it, but she's totally in love with the guy.  He's 31 (I think), has four kids that are 7 and under (I think), and he lives in Maine.  We live in California.  I think I shared that earlier.  Anyway...when I found out it was really difficult for me.  I am not proud of the way I reacted, but I got past it.  To be honest, it was that situation that helped me find the word Mudita. I love the word mudita, even though it's not English.  I am totally getting that tattooed on my shoulder.

Ok.  So, since the day after Father's Day she has been on a trip to New Mexico with our boys.  That was supposed to be my week with the boys, but she wanted to take them to visit her real dad, so I said OK.  I didn't like it.  I never like losing time with my boys (as I've said, they are the absolute most important thing in my life,) but I wasn't going to say no.  That would make me a total jerk, and whatever anyone says about me, I'm not a total jerk.  So they went on their trip.  I've been texting the boys regularly, but it's important to me that I don't interfere with their time with their mom.  I don't want to keep interrupting them, so I've kept my distance.

(I may regret this next part, but it's all true, so I'm going to stick to "the truth will set you free" mantra)
Last night I received a text from her asking me if the boys could stay with me during her first week in July.  It was very nonchalant, but I'm not an idiot (I swear I'm not. Those of you rolling your eyes can totally bite me.)  I was at a board meeting for my son's junior football program, and I can honestly say that I'm not totally certain what I voted yes on during the last 30 minutes of that meeting.  I knew why she was asking me.  She was asking me because she wanted to go see her new boyfriend in Maine.  I was pissed......

Here's the thing, I will never say no to time with my boys (and she knows that.)  Ever.  But last night, before I responded to her text, I made plans for myself so that I would end up having to say no to extra time with my boys.  I've actually been pretty lucky in that I've been asked to take the boys for extra time quite a few times over the last 8 1/2 months.  I love that.  It's awesome.  But last night I told her I had plans, and that was true, but not until after she asked me to keep the boys during her week.  That may make me a jerk, I don't know, but I do know that I've been asked numerous times to watch them during her time, but the only time I've asked her to watch them during my time was when I was at a conference for work.  I won't give up my time with the boys voluntarily.  That's just my decision.  Other people might feel differently, and that's fine.

I made plans because I knew she was asking me to make things easy for her to go visit her new boyfriend.  My personal opinion is that is not my job.  I've spent over 20 years trying to make her life easier, but that is one area where I am going to make her figure things out on her own from this point on.  I told her that, and we ended up talking on the phone.  I told her before she called that I was angry (that's not an excuse) but she called anyway.

I yelled a lot last night on the phone.  I'm not proud of that, but I did.  I was angry that she wouldn't be honest with me about her intentions.  That she wouldn't be honest with me about a lot of things.  I let her have it last night.  Everything that I've held back for the last 20 years because I knew it would hurt her....last night I said it.  Actually, I didn't say most of it, I yelled it.  I'm a jerk and I know it.  That being said, there is only one thing that I said last night that I regret saying.  There was one thing I said that was intended to hurt her and nothing else.  How big of a jerk am I?  So big that I don't remember what that one thing was.  I know that I said one thing and immediately said that I was sorry because I didn't actually think that, but I knew it would be hurtful.  I apologized right away, but that doesn't make it OK to say in the first place.  I just wish I could remember what that one thing was.

There were a lot of other things I said that hurt her, but I know that those things were true.  I'm tired of not saying things that I know are true, simply because I know the truth will make her feel bad.  It is no longer my job to protect her from things that will make her feel bad.  She has a new boyfriend who can do that.  Just my opinion of course.  If that makes me a jerk to some of you, I understand.

During our phone call last night I was told something else.  I was informed that her new boyfriend showed up at her real dad's place to meet the boys.  I had no idea he was going to be there when I agreed that she could take them during my time.  Even better?  We still haven't told the boys that we are getting divorced.  I wanted to a long time ago, but when I told her that, she said she wanted to wait until after the school year was over.  I knew she had a new boyfriend, though I didn't think she was going to bring him into my boy's lives without talking to me first, because in my opinion he's a total stranger (considering she's only been in the same location as him twice.  Soon that will be 3 times.)  I was wrong.  She took from me my opportunity to do things the right way with my boys because she decided that what was best for her was best for all of us.  She introduced him to the boys, before we ever told them that we were done.  We had always said that we were going to do that together.  Foolish me for believing that.  I'm really not happy about it, but she made that decision on her own, so there is nothing I can do about it.

Adding insult to injury, she totally blocked me from Facebook.  I'm not exactly sure when because we haven't been friends on FB for a while.  I un-friended her during a weekend where I was pretty sure that I didn't want to see the pictures she was going to post.  I know that makes me immature, but you can go ahead and judge me if you want.  Anyway, we never actually blocked each other.  That's not true.  I did for about 24 hours during that weekend, but I told her that I did and I apologized for doing so.  I actually haven't tried to look at her FB posts in a while, because I know there's nothing to see since we aren't friends on there anymore.  Today though, I looked.  I looked because of everything that happened yesterday.  You know what I found?  Apparently she doesn't exist on FB anymore.  I work in the industry.  I know that means she went through the effort of totally blocking me.  I figure that's because she's decided there are things in her life she doesn't want me knowing about.  I can understand that.  I don't blame her.  I will say this though, I won't block her (if she ever unblocks me) simply because I won't be doing anything that I'm not comfortable telling her about.  That does not mean I think I'm doing things better than her.  It simply means that I have decided to make different decisions.

I will not feel bad about that anymore.

It's going to be a slow week of posting....

I have the boys this week plus my son's 8th grade promotion.  My guess is that I won't be able to post much, but for some reason I think next week will most likely go back to almost every day.  I have some things bouncing around in my head that I think I'd like to put into words.  Let me get through this week though.  The kid's going to be in high school.  Sorry, but I'm hoping that the more I say that, the more likely I'll finally believe it. The kid's going to be in high school.....nope.  I'm still in denial and I'm OK with that.

My oldest son is graduating 8th grade...Am I dreaming?

My oldest son is 14 years old, and next week will be his last in the 8th grade.  He's going to be a freshman next year.  How did that happen?  I swear that he was just born yesterday.  He's only a baby.  Am I dreaming?

Actually, I know for certain that I am not dreaming.  It is most definitely real.  My son is no longer a baby.  In fact, he's almost 6'1" tall and I haven't heard his voice crack in months.  He's a young man.  He's a teenager, who is about to be a high school student, and connecting with him is the most challenging thing in my life right now.

He's had a rough year and 1/2.  All 13 and 14 year old's do.  Add to that all of the things that were involved in my ex and I splitting up, and that kid has had a really rough 17 months.  That being said, he's amazed me with how strong he's been and how well he's handled things.  I'm incredibly proud of him.  I've told him on more than one occasion that I know all of this must suck for him, and that if he ever wants to talk to me about it, that I want him to feel completely free to do so.  He doesn't talk to me about it though.  Sometimes I wonder if that's just a teenager thing, or if it has something to do with me moving out.  I hope that someday he will be willing to tell me.

However, his grades have been great this year.  He even got a call from the high school asking if he'd be interested in taking an AP social science course next year.  I talked to him about it and he said yes.  I told him that it will be a harder class and his response was, "Good, I like a challenge."  That was honestly one of the coolest things he's ever said to me.  That's my boy!!!

I did make him chuckle last night though.  At the moment, it's little things like making him chuckle that I'm grasping onto.  He had his final 8th grade dance last night and afterward he went to a friends house for an after party.  I know, an after party in 8th grade?  Of course I was that horrible dad who needed the address and phone number of the parents.  I got the address (I had to pick him up at the end,) but I never got the phone number actually.  I wanted to fight that, but I decided that wasn't the battle I needed to fight.  I figured that I had the address, I could always drive by if I didn't trust what was going on.  I didn't, and I'm pretty sure that I didn't need to.  My son is a good kid.  I know that, and I try to tell him that all of the time, but I also know that wants to be "cool" very badly.  It makes me nervous.  Letting him make his own decisions is not easy, but I know that I can't do anything about it.

So anyway, I pick him up after the party and I'm bringing back to my house. (I can't tell you how good it feels to say that after he didn't come last time.)  So we're in the car and a group of guys on Harley's passed us going the other direction.  My son mentioned one of their headlights needing to be fixed.  It led to a conversation about Harley's.  I told him that I want one and he seemed surprised.  He actually said, "Midlife crisis."  I smiled and looked at him and said, "Actually, I've wanted a Harley for years and years."  He seemed surprised.  I told him there are two things that have prevented me from getting one.  He asked what.  I said, "First, money.  Those things aren't cheap and I've had other things that I felt were more important to spend my money on."  I was starting to tell him the second reason and he throws out the word dangerous.  I smiled again and said, "Because they're dangerous yes, but it's not what you're thinking.  I don't have one because of you and your brother." He looked at me weird.  I finished up by saying, "I know that you want me around as little as possible right now, but I'd actually like to be around long enough to see you and your brother become adults.  So I won't be getting a Harley until that happens."  He chuckled at what I said.  My son chuckled.  It was a good moment for me.

I then went on to tell him that being a dad is a huge responsibility, and that I take that responsibility very seriously even though I know it annoys him that I do.  He seemed to get it.  Not all is lost between us.  Actually, I will never let that happen.  He's too important.

In two weeks he starts freshman football practices.  I'm totally stoked, and so is he.  I really hope that there are other dad's out there watching practice, because if I'm the only one (and I will absolutely be watching) he's going to be mortified.  Maybe I'll have to hide so that he doesn't see me, but I'm not missing those practices.

Anyway...I'm not dreaming, but sometimes I think I have to be.....

Music...how the heck does it do that?

So I mentioned in one of my earlier posts that I totally dig musical theater.  The truth is, I dig almost all music.  I actually listen to music now more than I watch TV.  There's something about it that almost seems magical.  Have you ever been thinking something, or feeling something, and the exact right song comes on and totally takes over your emotions or thoughts?  That happens to me all the time....how the heck does music do that?  It makes me think of a scene from one of my favorite movies, "High Fidelity" (I know, way to switch genres right?):

Dick: I guess it looks as if you're reorganizing your records. What is this though? Chronological?

Rob: No...

Dick: Not alphabetical...

Rob: Nope...

Dick: What?

Rob: Autobiographical.

Dick: No f***ing way.

I love that scene.  Music is totally autobiographical.  I have songs that take me back to my childhood, like anything by Barry Louis Polisar.  I can't listen to Bruce Hornsby's album "Scenes from the Southside" without thinking about chilling in the car with Jeremy, my best friend from high school.  "Two Princes" by Spin Doctors comes on and I'm back in college acting like a complete idiot singing it to my ex.  The soundtrack to "Drumline" comes on and I'm riding in the car with boys and my ex, totally rocking out, and my mother-in-law can't stop laughing from how ridiculous the four of us are.  I'm telling you....music seems almost magical.

I don't have a particular favorite style of music either.  I will listen to almost anything depending on my mood.  Today for instance, I have been devouring Skillet's album "Awake."  I haven't listened to Skillet in months, but I heard a song of theirs over the weekend and when I got in the car this morning I thought that today would be a good Skillet day.  Was it ever!!!  There are honestly like 9 songs in a row on that album that run through the entire gamut of emotions I've felt over the last 8 months.  Even more so, just the last 6 weeks.  I had totally forgotten about those songs.  I have no idea how I forgot about them, but I can tell you this, they are simply perfect for me right now.

Last week it was Eminem.  I listened to "Lose Yourself" and "Not Afraid" so many times that I think my iPhone actually got sick of them.  (Siri seemed to have some serious attitude and I think that's why.)  The week before I was totally into Air1 music.  I created a playlist called "Uplifting" and put only songs that encourage me or make me smile.  I have a few songs off of Jadon Lavik's album "Roots Run Deep."  It's an album of some of my favorite songs from church.  "Come Thou Fount," "I Surrender All," and "Amazing Grace" are just a few.  I also have "Lose My Soul" by TobyMac on that playlist.  I love that song.  There are a couple of songs by American Authors on there too.  I'm becoming a fan of that group.

 Before that I couldn't get enough of Maroon 5.  If I could be a musician I would be Adam Levine.  I think I would totally love being in a band like that, with a voice like that, singing music like that.  As they know in my office, he's my music crush (Don't go thinking the word crush means anything, as those in my office know, it's not a crush like that.....I swear!!!).

There are actually times when I'll be thinking something, or feeling something, and I'll hop on the iTunes store to see if I can find a song that expresses what I'm feeling.  I search for a title that I think just might exist.  I always find something too.  Music is like that.  It was a search like that when I found the band Paradise Fears.  I totally dig that band.  It's also how I came across the band Parachute.  I tell you what, there is music out there that can tell any story you want to tell.  Probably better than you can tell it yourself actually.  I know that's always been the case with me.  It sure is today, though unfortunately for the few of you, you're stuck having to read this.  Sorry.  Don't know what to tell you.....

Being single means I live two separate lives

That sounds bad.  That's not exactly what I meant.  As usual, let me see if I can explain.

So I have my boys 50% of the time.  We do one week on, one week off.  It's been working pretty well I think.  It sucks for the kids to have to pack up to come here, and slowly but surely I'm going to make sure they have everything they need here so that they won't have to, but for now it seems to work.  School is still in session, which means that I see my boys almost everyday.  I pick them up and take them to school.  I try to pick them up after school as often as possible too.  After school they go to their mom's, even on days I have them.  I pick them up after work.  That way we both get to see them almost every day.  That's a good thing because I don't know I would do if I couldn't see them all the time.

Anyway, back to the separate lives thing.  When my boys are here, they are my entire life.  I am with them almost all the time.  I mean, I'll run to the store, or hit the laundromat before they wake up, but for the most part I'm with them.  If I'm going to do something with friends, I'm taking one or both of my boys with me.  I say one or both because my 14 year old isn't all that keen on hanging out with dad.  He would prefer to stay here.  Every once in a while I can get him out, but not often.  I was the same way.  Back to the story....we'll go to little league games to hang out.  We'll go to someone's house as long as the boy's have someone there to play with.  Things like that.  When I have my boys, my life is my boys.

What do I do when I don't have my boys though?  Honestly, almost nothing.  I'm pretty much a hermit.  I've read A LOT.  I have listened to every song on my iPhone more often than I want to admit.  Recently my son has been in little league, so I've been able to do that quite a bit.  I loved watching him play.  It was literally my favorite thing to do for the last 2 1/2 months.  He just had his last game though.  That takes away one of my easy "get out of the house" things to do.  I don't want it to sound like I've done nothing.  I go to church on Sunday mornings.  I have gotten together with friends a couple of times over the last few months.  I went on those three dates that I mentioned.  I also went dancing a couple of weeks ago.  That was a big step for me.  It was something that I would have said, "No" to just a few weeks ago.  For the most part though, I'm a hermit.  

Here's the reason I decided to write about this.  I've decided it's time to stop being a hermit.  I don't make friends very easily.  I'm actually shy.  People look at me like I'm an idiot when I say that, but I am shy.  I have a difficult time initiating conversations.  Now, once I'm a part of the conversation, look out!!  I might not shut up.  But I can sit in a room full of people I don't know and not say a word for hours.  It's just who I've always been.  I'm not going to be that way anymore though.  I'm going to put myself in new social settings.  I actually did that a couple of weeks ago.  I went to a bar in town that someone had suggested.  It was nice.  It had a more mature crowd.  Totally not the "meat market" feel that a lot of places have.  I ended up talking to a guy about coaching.  He was probably around 60, and I got to listen most of the time, and it was great.  It was like everyone there knew each other and they were there for only one reason, to hang out with friends.  I loved it.  I plan on going back later this week during the farmer's market.

I figure, my entire life is being redefined.  Maybe it's time to try to bust out of my shell.  What's the worst that could happen?  Actually, don't answer that!!  Just let me find out for myself.  I would imagine there is a really good chance that I will share with you what I discover.

How do I communicate best?

That is a question I've been thinking about all day.  My mom said something to me this morning (She's one of my 4 readers.  Oh yeah, I said 4.  This is getting out of control!)  She mentioned that maybe I communicate better through writing than I do verbally.  That's totally thrown me for a loop.  Is that true?  If so, crap.  I talk all the time.  I almost never write.  This blog being the exception of course. (Leave me alone)

So, let me start with what I know.  I know for a fact that I suck at communicating through text.  I have a lot of evidence to back that up.  My meaning, my sarcasm, my true self just does not come across through text.  That sucks, but it's the truth.  What else do I know?  I know that I use way too many words.  I've always known that I use too many words when I write (sorry) but I've only recently realized that I also use too many words when I talk (Thank you again mom. Seriously.)  I had no idea.  I honestly thought that talking was my bread and butter.  Dude, how many different ways can you be wrong?

So I've been thinking all day, how do I communicate best?  Maybe it's actually through a medium like this.  Maybe, just maybe, it's through writing.  I wonder.  Here's the hardest part...I can't answer that question myself.  I thought it was my verbal skills...yeah, not so much.  Apparently.  Through text?  I know that's not the way.  Do I communicate best through writing?  Oh my gosh!!!  What if I do?  I never write.  OK.  I never wrote before this blog.  Again, the 4 of you need to cut me some slack.  I'm still trying to figure all of this out.

I have a problem though with the whole writing thing.  My problem?  I prefer face-to-face.  I prefer that by a large margin.  So what am I supposed to do?  I figure I need to do the same thing I do on this blog, but I need to do it way faster.  What does that mean?  I'll try to explain.  I actually type WAY more on this blog than what the 4 of you actually get to read.  I do a ton of editing before I click on the publish button.  Why?  I use too many words.  I edit this blog to get rid of all of the extraneous crap.  I hope it's working.  I actually had a boss recently who would proofread some of my emails and would point out where I used too many words.  He was a Berkeley grad, which means he was way smarter than me by default, but I really appreciated his input.  He would take 15 words and turn them into 5.  It was awesome!  I think I'm getting better at that here, but I'm not sure I've figured it out when talking.  I hope I'm getting better there too.  The 4 of you will have to let me know the next time we talk.

I have to say, this entire week has been totally liberating.  I never expected that to happen, but it did.  Please allow me to look up to Heaven and say, "Thank you."  With that, once again, I'm out!!

This is crazy, but I searched for a word and found it doesn't exist in English

That's the truth.  I swear it.  Let me explain.

OK.  I've said before that I love musical theater, which means I love musicals.  Without a doubt, the funniest one I've ever seen is Avenue Q.  It's like an adult Sesame Street.  It's hilarious.  The best part is that the people controlling the puppets don't even try to hide.  They are full on out there for everyone to see.  It's awesome.  Anyway, one of the songs is titled, "Schadenfreude."  Now, if you don't know what that means, the songs defines it...happiness at the misfortune of others.  Apparently it's German.  It's also very easy to do.  For instance, the song talks about how fun it is to watch straight A students getting B's.  If you weren't a straight A student, which I wasn't, that may ring true for you too.  It's really easy to do, and I know the song well enough to know how to spell schadenfreude without looking it up.  Yeah, I suck...

So why do I bring that up?  Because I've been trying really hard not to do that.  I want to be the exact opposite of that.  The thing is, it's so much easier to be jealous, or envious than it is to feel joy for someone else's happiness.  At least for me it is.  Maybe I'm just a horrible person.  I don't think so though.  Well, not completely horrible.  Moving on, and this is the just of what I'm getting at.  I've really been struggling with something.  Let's see if I can do this...  My ex is better off without me.  Wow...I said it.  It's true though.  She's stronger, more confident, and I think, happier.  It's really hard for me to say that because I've always wanted to be the best.  I wanted to make her feel strong, but I blew that.  I wanted to make her feel confident, but I didn't.  I wanted to make her happy, but I ended up making her pretty miserable.  For lack of a better term, I failed.  I hate that, but it's the truth.  Now don't get me wrong, I don't for a second think that I was entirely at fault, but I was absolutely partly at fault.

(Allow me to change tenses here)  So, she's better off and I hated to admit it.  The part that was really hard for me?  It's what I always wanted for her so I found myself feeling like a hypocrite (I am) because I wanted her to be free of me, but once she was I really didn't like it.  I didn't, for quite a while.  And if I'm being honest, I still struggle with it sometimes, but not as much as I did.  I realized what I was feeling a few weeks ago and decided I was going to do something about it.  I wanted to be happy for her.  (Umm, I haven't been the best at doing something about it, but I'm getting better every day.)  I decided that the first thing I wanted to do was find the antonym to schadenfreude.  I wanted a word that meant, happiness at the fortune of others.  I looked everywhere.  You know what I found?  It doesn't exist in the English language.  That actually kind of pissed me off.  How is there not a word for that?!?  It turns out there is, but in a different language, and it's related to a religion that I'm totally not interested in.

The word?  Mudita.  That's pronounced, muditā.  Yep, long A sound.  It's my new favorite word, and it's also helping me learn a new language.  It's Pāli and Sanskrit.  That's actually kind of cool.  What does it mean?  I'll borrow from Wikipedia:

Muditā (Pāli and Sanskrit: मुदिता) means joy. It is especially sympathetic or vicarious joy, the pleasure that comes from delighting in other people's well-being rather than begrudging it.

That was exactly what I was looking for and I found it.  The great thing is that I'm getting better at it every day.  I can look at my ex and be happy for her, because I still care about her and I want her to be happy.  I'm not just saying that.  Well...crap...I'm not just saying that NOW.  Fair enough?  I said it all along, and I thought I meant it, but when I saw it happening without me, I didn't feel that way.  It turned out, I wanted her to be happy, but happy with me.  I was being selfish, but I swear to you that I didn't realize it at the time.  I do now though.  So, I've been working really hard to embrace mudita (it's hilarious to me that spell check keeps trying to change that word).

Here's another thing I'm struggling with though.  Do you know where mudita comes from?  It's Buddhist.  Not just a Buddhist idea, but it's one of their four immeasurables.  Apparently there is even a meditation based on the idea.  Are you kidding me?  Is there a more Christlike characteristic that mudita?  How is there not an English word for it, a word to attribute that characteristic to Christ?  It's driving me insane, but I have to let it go.  I'm just glad I found the word.  It's funny, because just this last week I read that Merriam-Webster added a bunch of new words, including hashtag and turducken, to the English words they have definitions for.  I have no idea how to make it happen, but I would love it if mudita was a new word for 2015.

Here's where things get really crazy.  How much do I love the word mudita?  I'm thinking of getting it as a tattoo.  Now if you knew me, you'd know that I don't have tattoos.  You'd probably even think I was against tattoos.  That's not the case though.  I've thought about getting one.  In fact, I've wanted one for years.  My ex finds them very attractive, which was reason enough for me to get one, but I could never figure out what to get.  It was going to be permanent, so it had to mean something.  It had to mean something to me.  I thought about getting the names of my boys, but that always seemed so cliché to me.  Please don't think that I look down on people who have their kid's names.  I'm absolutely certain that those names mean everything to them.  It just didn't work for me.  To each his own right?  Well, I'm thinking of getting मुदिता on my back.  I'd totally get it on one of my biceps, but you kind of need biceps to pull that off and I just don't have them.  So I'm thinking on my shoulder blade.  I love the word.  I don't know if I'll get the tattoo (I need the money,) but it's the first tattoo that I've actually thought I wanted.  Huh...who would've thought?

Crud, it's late again.  Goodnight you two.  Thanks for letting me fill those moments where you have nothing else to do.

Things that make me smile

I've been thinking about this a lot over the last couple of days.  I like to smile.  I like to make others smile even more than I like to smile myself.  So, what makes me smile?  I'll tell you (I just know I'm going to regret sharing some of these...oh well, hopefully they make you smile)

First and foremost, my kids.  Seriously, my kids have a super power over me.  Like the most super, most powerful, super power ever.  If they smile, I smile.  It's a guarantee.  Even if the reason they're smiling is because they're laughing at me, which happens way more than I want to admit, it still makes me smile.  You know what I love the most though?  When they feel like they've accomplished something.  The look on their face during those moments....well, I can't think of anything I like more.  I'll give an example.  My oldest tried out for his 8th grade basketball team this year.  He wasn't going to at first.  He was certain that he wouldn't make the team, so he said he wasn't even going to try out.  I asked him to at least give it a shot, but I didn't push it.  He decided to try on his own and I was really proud of him.  Here's the best part though...  The coach announced who made the team by putting a paper up on the outside of the gym.  It was a Sunday morning, so I drove him over to the school so that he could take a look.  When we got there, I parked the car and was about to get out when he looked at me and said he wanted to go by himself.  I said ok, and then had a near heart attack as I watched him walk up to the sheet of paper.  I was way more nervous than he was even though I didn't care if he made the team.  I was just proud that he tried.  Anyway...he looked at the sheet of paper and slowly turned around with the coolest look I've ever seen on his face.  He had made it.  I honestly can't think about that moment without getting tears in my eyes and the biggest smile on my face.  I'm telling you...super powers!!!

What else makes me smile?  My staff.  I run the technology department for a public school district and I have the best staff.  I love them.  They all kick ass and make my job way easier than it should be.  And the best part?  They all have absolutely no problem giving me a hard time.  I'm a sarcastic son of a b...well, you know, but I like to think that I can take it as well as I give it.  Maybe even better.  That's a good thing too because it's so easy to find things to give me a hard time over.  I mean, I have a pink lawn flamingo covered in pink boas on the desk in my office.  (Again, don't judge me!! It makes me smile)  Here's another example for you.  They had a blast on Friday giving me a hard time because I was totally bummed that I wasn't going to see The Backstreet Boys when they come to town in a couple of weeks.  I am bummed too.  I would totally go to that show!!!  My staff had a really good time with it, and I have to admit, I was all in with the amount of laughter it was causing.  My staff and I laugh so much, and quite often it's at my expense.  I'm good with that though, because I know that they respect me, and I know that each and every one of them have my back.  They're awesome, and they make me smile.  I think we all make each other smile actually.

What else... oh yeah.  Kids.  Not mine, well of course mine, but I mean kids in general.  I totally dig kids.  I'll fist bump and blow it up with any kid, any where.  Kids just make me smile.  I actually have this little thing I do where I try to get kids to smile at me.  Like kids in the grocery store, or something like that.  It's amazing how simply noticing and smiling at a kid can get them to smile back.  You can't beat a little kid's smile.  I love having conversations with kids because they are so different from the conversations I have with adults.  Plus, I'm a total goofball, so I tend to relate well to a lot of kids.  I remember in high school, we actually ran a preschool.  It was awesome.  Totally one of my favorite classes.  I had a blast playing with the kids.  I even had a mom come up to me at the end of the semester and thank me because I was the first male that her daughter had warmed up to in a very long time.  She didn't go into a lot of details, and I'm glad she didn't, but she gave me a hug and said thank you.  It was one of the coolest moments of my life.  I'll never forget it.

OK.  Here's a good one.  I love watching people be awesome at what they are best at.  For instance, my ex can sing.  Like totally sing.  I loved watching her sing up in front of church, or at weddings.  It always made me smile.  Another example, I work with a really great group of teachers.  I've been fortunate enough to watch a number of them present to other teachers, or simply teach their classes, and they are fantastic at it. I love sitting back and watching them do their thing.  Another, my dad played the trumpet for years.  He played in the orchestra at church and it was the coolest thing to me.  I can't hear the "Hallelujah Chorus from Handel's Messiah without thinking of my dad.  There's this one part in the middle of the song where the lead trumpet player has a very brief solo that leads the singers into a really powerful "King of Kings...."  My dad always nailed that part.  So awesome!  I loved watching him play.

OK.  There are lot of other things that make me smile.  You know, things that make everyone smile, like sunsets, or rainbows, or whenever somebody tickles me (Do not try to tickle me!)  I like to smile.  Even more important, I like it when other people smile.  I think most people are like that.  It's just something that I've been thinking a lot about in the last couple of days, so I thought I'd write it down.  Anyway, time for bed.  Good night both of my readers.  I'm out.

What a week!!!

I think I just got off the craziest roller coaster I've ever been on.  Seriously.  The last 7 days...actually, let's go with since last Friday, I have had so many ups and downs that my feet are still wobbly.  How about a recap...

My youngest hit an inside the park home run to tie the game in the bottom of the last inning on Friday evening.  Well, it was a legitimate triple with a throwing error that allowed him to score, but in minor baseball that an inside the park home run and I don't care what anyone says!!!  My ex got video of it and I have watched it at least 50 times this week.  So awesome for him!!!

Then I went disco dancing.  I was all ready to dress up too.  For reals yo!  I had gone thrift shopping and everything.  Last minute though the dress up part of the evening was voted down by the group.  That's ok though.  I'm pretty sure that polyester would have left a rash.  So I danced.  And man, did I dance.  If you don't know me, I like to dance.  (Haha, that's funny.  If you don't know me you're not reading this blog, but I'll pretend I have an anonymous reader somewhere.)  So yeah, I like to dance.  A woman told me to marry her that night too.  Why?  I told her happy 27th birthday.  I'm not kidding.  For some reason she really liked that.  What can I say?

I also had something happen to me on the dance floor that I've never had happen before.  So, I have no problem dancing by myself.  That's a good thing actually because I spend most of the time dancing by myself.  I know, that's sad.  Anyway, I was doing just that when a couple of woman approached me.  I stopped, looked at them, and said the only thing that came to mind..."hi."  One of the woman says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but my friend here would like to dance with you."  I looked at her friend and she had this cute little shy smile going on.  I thought to myself, "No freakin way!!  I've never been on this side of this situation before!!"  I was always the shy one needing help.  I looked at her and said, "Absolutely."  So we danced.  It was a lot of fun.  Afterward I gave them both a hug and said, "Thank you ladies."  It really was surreal.

Sunday was Mother's Day.  It was the first Mother's Day since we split.  We went to dinner as a family and it was really nice.  I hope she had a good Mother's Day.

I had drinks with my ex on Monday.  We're trying to keep the friend thing going.  We've known each other for 20 years, and as I've said, nobody will ever make me laugh harder than her.  So she asked me to meet her for drinks and I said sure.  You know, we still say things like, "I wish we would have..." or, "I should have..."  You know what?  We need to stop doing that.  It doesn't help.  It just keeps us thinking about the past.  Anyway.  Monday night was really difficult.  I'm not going to go into details, but it was really difficult.  I'm glad I was a part of it though.

My ex turned 40 on Tues.  She still looks like she's in her mid 20's.  She really is a beautiful woman.  My youngest had his last band concert of the year that evening and at the last minute I looked at my calendar and realized that I had been saying 6, but my calendar said it was 5:30.  Of course it was already 5:25.  To make matters worse, he was at her house.  I had to call and tell her that I screwed up the time.  I hate screwing up like that.  She hurried up and got him there the same time I was walking up and what do we find?  It started at 6:30.  Are you serious?  Yeah, we had an hour.  I paid for my mistake though.  I had to sit through an entire elementary violin concert while we waited for the band.  That was brut.....a lot of fun. :)

There was a totally cool moment during the concert.  My youngest played "Happy Birthday" as a solo to his mom on her birthday.  He totally nailed it too.  It was very, very cool.  Then the four of us went to dinner again.  It was fun.  I enjoyed it a lot.

Wednesday was not so much fun.  Feel free to read my "Well that sucked..." post to read about that day.  The meeting I referenced?  I met with her and her attorney for the first time.  As I said, it sucked.  Oh well.

Thursday was better.  There's a post about that too.

Then last night my oldest decided he didn't want to come stay at my house this week.  That was pretty devastating.  I'm not sure if it's a one time thing, or something that will continue coming up.  I wasn't going to fight him on it this time though.  We'll see about next time.  I already miss him.  Even though I hardly see him when he's here because he's back in his room the entire time, I still really like having him here.  I have to figure out how to connect with him.  He's 14.  I hope I can figure something out.

So yeah, crazy week.  There's something else that's been really difficult for me to deal with, but it really isn't my story to tell, so I"ll wait until another time to share what that's been like.  I also had something happen that might be really nice to deal with, but I'm not sure yet so that will have to wait too.  Life sure is full of ups and downs isn't it?  Hey life, I love a great roller coaster and all, but could I sit this week out please?  I'm thinking a nice slow ride through "It's a Small World" is in order.  Wait, I hate that song.  Change that.  You know what I mean though.  Don't you life?  Life?  Oh man.  Looks like I'm going to have to find out for myself.  You know what?  Bring it on!!

Better...

Today was better.  It wasn't perfect, but what day is right?  You know something, attitude matters.  I woke up yesterday thinking it was going to suck, and ta da!! (Is that how you spell ta da?  I've never written that before....one sec, have to go check....dangit, there's a hyphen.  Let's try that again.)  and ta-da!! (nailed it)  Today I woke up thinking I will not let today suck, and bam!!  Better day.

So somebody has to explain something to me.  Why is it so easy to keep doing the same thing over and over again even though you know you should be doing something different?  What's up with that?  I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who does that.  In fact, I know I'm not.  If you're reading this and thinking to yourself that you have no idea what I'm talking about, you're kidding yourself.  Trust me. So why do we do that?!?  Seriously, I totally set myself up yesterday.  I've been doing that a lot.  I don't think I'm a stupid guy, though I'm probably the wrong person to ask.  However, I do stupid things all the time.  Is there anything more frustrating?  Bah!!

You know what really gets me about that?  On the days I don't do the same stupid stuff, I totally feel better.  I have way better days.  Why the heck don't I take that approach all the time?  Maybe I am stupid.  I know better...well...I'm pretty sure I know better.  No, that's not true.  I don't know squat anymore.  As I said in one of my earlier posts, I don't actually think there is a better.  Let's go with easier.  I know easier. (That doesn't sound right.  I'll work on that)  Hold on, side note time....

You guys know that when I put things in parentheses that I'm trying to type what's going on in my head right?  I'll write something and then think something about what I just typed, so then I put that inside of parentheses.  (Dude...you're sounding ridiculous)  Tell you what, let's move on.  Side note over...

So back to the whole, "I know easier" idea.  I totally do.  Why is it that often times I don't think about that until the next day though?  I'll wake up and think, "DUDE!!! What were you thinking? If you'da been thinkin you wouldn't 'a thought that." (oh yeah, movie quote time)  *sigh*  I'll get better at that.  Well....I'll try to get better at that.

OK.  I've been having a battle of wills with the dishes all night long, and I'm determined to win this thing.  So, with that, I have to go.  Those suckers are getting cleaned!!! Oh yeah.  It's happening.  Later....all 2 of you reading this. Lol.

Well, today sucked...

You ever have one of those days where it's all over and you're laying in bed and you think, "Well, today sucked!"  That was today for me.  I'm not in bed yet of course (I wish,) but hopefully you get the point.  Without going into details (you have to deal with that, sorry) I ended up having a meeting I never wanted to have and that I never want to have again, I had a friend dismiss me without talking to me first, and I ended up embarrassing myself more than I ever remember being embarrassed.  Quite the day.  To top it all off I burned the crap out of the top of my mouth eating some left over lasagna.  (It was Stouffer's, please don't think I prepared that myself, but it still burned the crap out of my mouth.)  That is going to take today's suck right into tomorrow morning when I think, "What the heck is that on the top of my mouth?!?"  "How did that happen?!?"  Awesome!!!

I should be clear.  Not all of today sucked.  In fact, I just read an email from a teacher who works at one of the High Schools in the district where I work and he's going to literally save my ass. (Yes I said ass.  Don't judge me)  It's funny, because he feels bad that he's asking for compensation and I'm thinking, "Dude, that's all you want?!?"  Yeah, he's awesome.  I guarantee I'll be giving him credit and not taking it for myself.  We have a lot of teacher's like that in our district.  We're lucky.

So, back to my sucky day.  (I know. Seriously? You're going to follow that with suckiness?  Yeah I am...deal with it!)  So I had a meeting today that I hated.  I tried to be totally non-combative.  I failed of course.  I tried to be totally understanding...yep...screwed that one up too.  I got through it though.  I don't think you can ever be happy about getting through a meeting you never wanted to have, but at the moment it's all I've got.

I lost a friend too.  This one totally sucks because I didn't even know they were mad at me.  I can totally see it now that they've explained it a bit, but dang I wish that would have happened sooner.  I don't blame them.  I should have seen it sooner.  That's on me.  I see that now.  It still sucks though.

Then I totally embarrassed myself.  This is the big one.  You have to understand, I don't get embarrassed.  Ever.  It's just the way I am and that's probably a really good thing because if I did, with how dorky I am, I'd be in for a horrible life.  Anyway, I don't get embarrassed.  Well...except for today.  Today I did.  Today I tried to do something that was totally stupid and I was straight up denied.  I should have been.  As I said, it was totally stupid.  I did it anyway.  I really, really hope I'm not the only one who does that.  If I am....well crud!!!  However, I did it and I wish I could take it back.  You can't though can you?  Welcome to reality man.  So yeah, that sucked.  I'm hoping it's a lesson learned, but honestly I can't guarantee that.  I'm going to blame that on the whole "being human" thing.  I don't know if that's the case, but it makes me feel better.

And my mouth still hurts!!!  Dude.  Son of a b.... (I'll leave that word to my mom talking to my sis.  Oh yeah, I totally mentioned that.  Luckily the only people reading this know what that means)  So yeah, today sucked.  My hope is that tomorrow will be better.  Who knows though......

Setting my priorities....I really hope I'm doing it right

I was asked to go disco dancing with some people from work tonight.  Yes, that's right, disco dancing.  I'm looking forward to it for a number of reasons.  I even went thrift shopping yesterday to find something to wear, but unfortunately I couldn't find anything.  Oh well.  What does that have to do with priorities though?  I'll tell you, I almost said no.  Why would I say no to something that I really wanted to do?  Simple, my son has a little league game tonight.  That would be a no-brainer.  Luckily, the game is early enough for me to do both.  The game has to come first though.  I'll explain...

When I moved out, I had a number of people asking me if I knew what I was doing.  I heard, "I think you're priorities are messed up," more than once.  They could be right too.  Maybe my priorities were messed up.  Since that time though, my priorities have been incredibly important to me.  I know this is an oversimplification, but assuming your actions are determined by your priorities, then your priorities really do determine the person you are.  The things I choose to do and/or say are determined by what I think is most important.  At least, that's what I think.  I've said before, I know what I think, but I don't think I know.  The rest of this post is going to explain what I think.  Go figure.

The last few months have been really difficult.  Big surprise right?  From the moment I left...actually even before that time... I wanted to make sure that when I was older (you know, "all grown up"), that when I thought back about this time and asked myself how I got through it, I would be content with the answer.  I grew up in the church.  It's the only life I've ever known, and the only one I ever want to know.  I say that now, because if you've grown up in the church, you know what the answer is supposed to be when asked how you got through it.  God.  Prayer.  That is the absolute most important thing.  It is the only right way to get through anything.

I agree with that.  It absolutely is the most important thing.  However, God gives us choices.  I pray for guidance, and he delivers.  Here's where my thinking is on this though.  God gives us guidance, but not directions.  Hopefully I can explain this.  I am at a fork in the road of my life and there are 10 paths I can take.  Each one leads to the same destination.  I will die, and those paths all lead to that moment.  God knows what will happen on each of those paths, and he gives us guidance on which one we should strive for, but ultimately it is up to us to decide which path to take.  That is the choice God has given us.  I don't think that there are right or wrong paths.  There aren't right or wrong decisions.  However, I think there are easier and harder paths.  I think there are some paths that will cause us to feel pain and guilt, and others that will cause us to feel joy.  In it's most simplified form, God gives us the Google Maps guidance with multiple options on how to get to our destination.  The specific directions we choose to use though are up to us.

God is first.  He's the entire Google Maps.  All the different paths are his paths. So, here are the directions I've chosen.  These aren't the right directions by any means...they are just the one's I've chosen.  My kids come first.  I will be there.  I will see every game, every big moment.  I will celebrate with them when they succeed and I will cry with them when they fail.  I've chosen that path for very selfish reasons actually.  I've made that decision because I never feel better than I do when my boys are happy.  I don't want to miss a single moment that I can never get back.  I want my boys to know they come first.

You know what I think about when I have my worst moments now?  First, I pray.  I ask for help.  You know how God helps?  He helps me think of my boys.  I think about the look on my 14 year old's face as he walked off the field after catching three passes in the fourth quarter of his last game.  I think about how awesome it was watching him score his first basket.  I think about my youngest walking into the dugout after hitting his first triple saying, "It felt GOOD to rip one!"  I think about him pumping his fist after striking out a kid with bases loaded to close out the third inning of a game earlier this week.  He was so proud of himself.  I wouldn't have cared if he gave up a grand-slam, but I'll never forget having that moment with him.  If I do miss something, it will be because I'm doing something else that is for my kids.  It's that simple to me.  They are more important than I am.  Actually, as I said, I have the most fun when I'm with them.  I am being selfish for choosing them first.

I go to church.  I wish I could say every Sunday, but that would be a lie.  However, going to church is a huge priority for me.  It's huge because it's not enough to just say God is first, I have to prove it too.  I know it seems like I just said my kids are first, but to me, God is first when I'm with my kids too.  He's there, and I think he wants me there too.  Also, it's really important to me that my boys know that I'm going to church.  They need to see that I think it is a huge priority.  Lead by example I suppose.

Work has to be next.  I have to provide for my kids.  There's no other choice.

I guess next would be "me" time.  Playing tennis, reading a book, going disco dancing...  It's important to have this time too.  Really important.  However, it's not more important than the things above.  I hope I never feel like it is more fun playing tennis than it is to be present for my boys' moments.

That is the path I want to take all the time....It's hard for me sometimes though.  I find myself saying or doing something and justifying it to myself with, "I deserve it," or "I'm not doing anything wrong."  Both of those statements are true.  However, there are things that I could be doing that I'd feel better about later.  There are things I could be doing that would make others feel better later.  My priorities determine my actions and my words.  My actions and words don't only effect me, they effect others too.  Yes, I deserve it, but do they?  Do they deserve to feel the way they do because I feel like I've done nothing wrong?  That's really up to each person to decide for themselves.  God gives me guidance on that, and I know how I feel about it, but that's simply the path I've chosen to take.  I have no idea if it's the "best" path, in fact, I'm sure it's not.  However, it's the path that let's me sleep best at night.  At this time in my life, that's huge.

I know that I will fail at a lot of things moving forward.  It's inevitable.  My priority though is to make sure that God is first.  I think I'm doing that by making sure I don't fail with my kids.  I hope so at least.