OK. I've said before that I love musical theater, which means I love musicals. Without a doubt, the funniest one I've ever seen is Avenue Q. It's like an adult Sesame Street. It's hilarious. The best part is that the people controlling the puppets don't even try to hide. They are full on out there for everyone to see. It's awesome. Anyway, one of the songs is titled, "Schadenfreude." Now, if you don't know what that means, the songs defines it...happiness at the misfortune of others. Apparently it's German. It's also very easy to do. For instance, the song talks about how fun it is to watch straight A students getting B's. If you weren't a straight A student, which I wasn't, that may ring true for you too. It's really easy to do, and I know the song well enough to know how to spell schadenfreude without looking it up. Yeah, I suck...
So why do I bring that up? Because I've been trying really hard not to do that. I want to be the exact opposite of that. The thing is, it's so much easier to be jealous, or envious than it is to feel joy for someone else's happiness. At least for me it is. Maybe I'm just a horrible person. I don't think so though. Well, not completely horrible. Moving on, and this is the just of what I'm getting at. I've really been struggling with something. Let's see if I can do this... My ex is better off without me. Wow...I said it. It's true though. She's stronger, more confident, and I think, happier. It's really hard for me to say that because I've always wanted to be the best. I wanted to make her feel strong, but I blew that. I wanted to make her feel confident, but I didn't. I wanted to make her happy, but I ended up making her pretty miserable. For lack of a better term, I failed. I hate that, but it's the truth. Now don't get me wrong, I don't for a second think that I was entirely at fault, but I was absolutely partly at fault.
(Allow me to change tenses here) So, she's better off and I hated to admit it. The part that was really hard for me? It's what I always wanted for her so I found myself feeling like a hypocrite (I am) because I wanted her to be free of me, but once she was I really didn't like it. I didn't, for quite a while. And if I'm being honest, I still struggle with it sometimes, but not as much as I did. I realized what I was feeling a few weeks ago and decided I was going to do something about it. I wanted to be happy for her. (Umm, I haven't been the best at doing something about it, but I'm getting better every day.) I decided that the first thing I wanted to do was find the antonym to schadenfreude. I wanted a word that meant, happiness at the fortune of others. I looked everywhere. You know what I found? It doesn't exist in the English language. That actually kind of pissed me off. How is there not a word for that?!? It turns out there is, but in a different language, and it's related to a religion that I'm totally not interested in.
The word? Mudita. That's pronounced, muditā. Yep, long A sound. It's my new favorite word, and it's also helping me learn a new language. It's Pāli and Sanskrit. That's actually kind of cool. What does it mean? I'll borrow from Wikipedia:
Muditā (Pāli and Sanskrit: मुदिता) means joy. It is especially sympathetic or vicarious joy, the pleasure that comes from delighting in other people's well-being rather than begrudging it.That was exactly what I was looking for and I found it. The great thing is that I'm getting better at it every day. I can look at my ex and be happy for her, because I still care about her and I want her to be happy. I'm not just saying that. Well...crap...I'm not just saying that NOW. Fair enough? I said it all along, and I thought I meant it, but when I saw it happening without me, I didn't feel that way. It turned out, I wanted her to be happy, but happy with me. I was being selfish, but I swear to you that I didn't realize it at the time. I do now though. So, I've been working really hard to embrace mudita (it's hilarious to me that spell check keeps trying to change that word).
Here's another thing I'm struggling with though. Do you know where mudita comes from? It's Buddhist. Not just a Buddhist idea, but it's one of their four immeasurables. Apparently there is even a meditation based on the idea. Are you kidding me? Is there a more Christlike characteristic that mudita? How is there not an English word for it, a word to attribute that characteristic to Christ? It's driving me insane, but I have to let it go. I'm just glad I found the word. It's funny, because just this last week I read that Merriam-Webster added a bunch of new words, including hashtag and turducken, to the English words they have definitions for. I have no idea how to make it happen, but I would love it if mudita was a new word for 2015.
Here's where things get really crazy. How much do I love the word mudita? I'm thinking of getting it as a tattoo. Now if you knew me, you'd know that I don't have tattoos. You'd probably even think I was against tattoos. That's not the case though. I've thought about getting one. In fact, I've wanted one for years. My ex finds them very attractive, which was reason enough for me to get one, but I could never figure out what to get. It was going to be permanent, so it had to mean something. It had to mean something to me. I thought about getting the names of my boys, but that always seemed so cliché to me. Please don't think that I look down on people who have their kid's names. I'm absolutely certain that those names mean everything to them. It just didn't work for me. To each his own right? Well, I'm thinking of getting मुदिता on my back. I'd totally get it on one of my biceps, but you kind of need biceps to pull that off and I just don't have them. So I'm thinking on my shoulder blade. I love the word. I don't know if I'll get the tattoo (I need the money,) but it's the first tattoo that I've actually thought I wanted. Huh...who would've thought?
Crud, it's late again. Goodnight you two. Thanks for letting me fill those moments where you have nothing else to do.
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