I was asked to go disco dancing with some people from work tonight. Yes, that's right, disco dancing. I'm looking forward to it for a number of reasons. I even went thrift shopping yesterday to find something to wear, but unfortunately I couldn't find anything. Oh well. What does that have to do with priorities though? I'll tell you, I almost said no. Why would I say no to something that I really wanted to do? Simple, my son has a little league game tonight. That would be a no-brainer. Luckily, the game is early enough for me to do both. The game has to come first though. I'll explain...
When I moved out, I had a number of people asking me if I knew what I was doing. I heard, "I think you're priorities are messed up," more than once. They could be right too. Maybe my priorities were messed up. Since that time though, my priorities have been incredibly important to me. I know this is an oversimplification, but assuming your actions are determined by your priorities, then your priorities really do determine the person you are. The things I choose to do and/or say are determined by what I think is most important. At least, that's what I think. I've said before, I know what I think, but I don't think I know. The rest of this post is going to explain what I think. Go figure.
The last few months have been really difficult. Big surprise right? From the moment I left...actually even before that time... I wanted to make sure that when I was older (you know, "all grown up"), that when I thought back about this time and asked myself how I got through it, I would be content with the answer. I grew up in the church. It's the only life I've ever known, and the only one I ever want to know. I say that now, because if you've grown up in the church, you know what the answer is supposed to be when asked how you got through it. God. Prayer. That is the absolute most important thing. It is the only right way to get through anything.
I agree with that. It absolutely is the most important thing. However, God gives us choices. I pray for guidance, and he delivers. Here's where my thinking is on this though. God gives us guidance, but not directions. Hopefully I can explain this. I am at a fork in the road of my life and there are 10 paths I can take. Each one leads to the same destination. I will die, and those paths all lead to that moment. God knows what will happen on each of those paths, and he gives us guidance on which one we should strive for, but ultimately it is up to us to decide which path to take. That is the choice God has given us. I don't think that there are right or wrong paths. There aren't right or wrong decisions. However, I think there are easier and harder paths. I think there are some paths that will cause us to feel pain and guilt, and others that will cause us to feel joy. In it's most simplified form, God gives us the Google Maps guidance with multiple options on how to get to our destination. The specific directions we choose to use though are up to us.
God is first. He's the entire Google Maps. All the different paths are his paths. So, here are the directions I've chosen. These aren't the right directions by any means...they are just the one's I've chosen. My kids come first. I will be there. I will see every game, every big moment. I will celebrate with them when they succeed and I will cry with them when they fail. I've chosen that path for very selfish reasons actually. I've made that decision because I never feel better than I do when my boys are happy. I don't want to miss a single moment that I can never get back. I want my boys to know they come first.
You know what I think about when I have my worst moments now? First, I pray. I ask for help. You know how God helps? He helps me think of my boys. I think about the look on my 14 year old's face as he walked off the field after catching three passes in the fourth quarter of his last game. I think about how awesome it was watching him score his first basket. I think about my youngest walking into the dugout after hitting his first triple saying, "It felt GOOD to rip one!" I think about him pumping his fist after striking out a kid with bases loaded to close out the third inning of a game earlier this week. He was so proud of himself. I wouldn't have cared if he gave up a grand-slam, but I'll never forget having that moment with him. If I do miss something, it will be because I'm doing something else that is for my kids. It's that simple to me. They are more important than I am. Actually, as I said, I have the most fun when I'm with them. I am being selfish for choosing them first.
I go to church. I wish I could say every Sunday, but that would be a lie. However, going to church is a huge priority for me. It's huge because it's not enough to just say God is first, I have to prove it too. I know it seems like I just said my kids are first, but to me, God is first when I'm with my kids too. He's there, and I think he wants me there too. Also, it's really important to me that my boys know that I'm going to church. They need to see that I think it is a huge priority. Lead by example I suppose.
Work has to be next. I have to provide for my kids. There's no other choice.
I guess next would be "me" time. Playing tennis, reading a book, going disco dancing... It's important to have this time too. Really important. However, it's not more important than the things above. I hope I never feel like it is more fun playing tennis than it is to be present for my boys' moments.
That is the path I want to take all the time....It's hard for me sometimes though. I find myself saying or doing something and justifying it to myself with, "I deserve it," or "I'm not doing anything wrong." Both of those statements are true. However, there are things that I could be doing that I'd feel better about later. There are things I could be doing that would make others feel better later. My priorities determine my actions and my words. My actions and words don't only effect me, they effect others too. Yes, I deserve it, but do they? Do they deserve to feel the way they do because I feel like I've done nothing wrong? That's really up to each person to decide for themselves. God gives me guidance on that, and I know how I feel about it, but that's simply the path I've chosen to take. I have no idea if it's the "best" path, in fact, I'm sure it's not. However, it's the path that let's me sleep best at night. At this time in my life, that's huge.
I know that I will fail at a lot of things moving forward. It's inevitable. My priority though is to make sure that God is first. I think I'm doing that by making sure I don't fail with my kids. I hope so at least.
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