My oldest son is graduating 8th grade...Am I dreaming?

My oldest son is 14 years old, and next week will be his last in the 8th grade.  He's going to be a freshman next year.  How did that happen?  I swear that he was just born yesterday.  He's only a baby.  Am I dreaming?

Actually, I know for certain that I am not dreaming.  It is most definitely real.  My son is no longer a baby.  In fact, he's almost 6'1" tall and I haven't heard his voice crack in months.  He's a young man.  He's a teenager, who is about to be a high school student, and connecting with him is the most challenging thing in my life right now.

He's had a rough year and 1/2.  All 13 and 14 year old's do.  Add to that all of the things that were involved in my ex and I splitting up, and that kid has had a really rough 17 months.  That being said, he's amazed me with how strong he's been and how well he's handled things.  I'm incredibly proud of him.  I've told him on more than one occasion that I know all of this must suck for him, and that if he ever wants to talk to me about it, that I want him to feel completely free to do so.  He doesn't talk to me about it though.  Sometimes I wonder if that's just a teenager thing, or if it has something to do with me moving out.  I hope that someday he will be willing to tell me.

However, his grades have been great this year.  He even got a call from the high school asking if he'd be interested in taking an AP social science course next year.  I talked to him about it and he said yes.  I told him that it will be a harder class and his response was, "Good, I like a challenge."  That was honestly one of the coolest things he's ever said to me.  That's my boy!!!

I did make him chuckle last night though.  At the moment, it's little things like making him chuckle that I'm grasping onto.  He had his final 8th grade dance last night and afterward he went to a friends house for an after party.  I know, an after party in 8th grade?  Of course I was that horrible dad who needed the address and phone number of the parents.  I got the address (I had to pick him up at the end,) but I never got the phone number actually.  I wanted to fight that, but I decided that wasn't the battle I needed to fight.  I figured that I had the address, I could always drive by if I didn't trust what was going on.  I didn't, and I'm pretty sure that I didn't need to.  My son is a good kid.  I know that, and I try to tell him that all of the time, but I also know that wants to be "cool" very badly.  It makes me nervous.  Letting him make his own decisions is not easy, but I know that I can't do anything about it.

So anyway, I pick him up after the party and I'm bringing back to my house. (I can't tell you how good it feels to say that after he didn't come last time.)  So we're in the car and a group of guys on Harley's passed us going the other direction.  My son mentioned one of their headlights needing to be fixed.  It led to a conversation about Harley's.  I told him that I want one and he seemed surprised.  He actually said, "Midlife crisis."  I smiled and looked at him and said, "Actually, I've wanted a Harley for years and years."  He seemed surprised.  I told him there are two things that have prevented me from getting one.  He asked what.  I said, "First, money.  Those things aren't cheap and I've had other things that I felt were more important to spend my money on."  I was starting to tell him the second reason and he throws out the word dangerous.  I smiled again and said, "Because they're dangerous yes, but it's not what you're thinking.  I don't have one because of you and your brother." He looked at me weird.  I finished up by saying, "I know that you want me around as little as possible right now, but I'd actually like to be around long enough to see you and your brother become adults.  So I won't be getting a Harley until that happens."  He chuckled at what I said.  My son chuckled.  It was a good moment for me.

I then went on to tell him that being a dad is a huge responsibility, and that I take that responsibility very seriously even though I know it annoys him that I do.  He seemed to get it.  Not all is lost between us.  Actually, I will never let that happen.  He's too important.

In two weeks he starts freshman football practices.  I'm totally stoked, and so is he.  I really hope that there are other dad's out there watching practice, because if I'm the only one (and I will absolutely be watching) he's going to be mortified.  Maybe I'll have to hide so that he doesn't see me, but I'm not missing those practices.

Anyway...I'm not dreaming, but sometimes I think I have to be.....

Music...how the heck does it do that?

So I mentioned in one of my earlier posts that I totally dig musical theater.  The truth is, I dig almost all music.  I actually listen to music now more than I watch TV.  There's something about it that almost seems magical.  Have you ever been thinking something, or feeling something, and the exact right song comes on and totally takes over your emotions or thoughts?  That happens to me all the time....how the heck does music do that?  It makes me think of a scene from one of my favorite movies, "High Fidelity" (I know, way to switch genres right?):

Dick: I guess it looks as if you're reorganizing your records. What is this though? Chronological?

Rob: No...

Dick: Not alphabetical...

Rob: Nope...

Dick: What?

Rob: Autobiographical.

Dick: No f***ing way.

I love that scene.  Music is totally autobiographical.  I have songs that take me back to my childhood, like anything by Barry Louis Polisar.  I can't listen to Bruce Hornsby's album "Scenes from the Southside" without thinking about chilling in the car with Jeremy, my best friend from high school.  "Two Princes" by Spin Doctors comes on and I'm back in college acting like a complete idiot singing it to my ex.  The soundtrack to "Drumline" comes on and I'm riding in the car with boys and my ex, totally rocking out, and my mother-in-law can't stop laughing from how ridiculous the four of us are.  I'm telling you....music seems almost magical.

I don't have a particular favorite style of music either.  I will listen to almost anything depending on my mood.  Today for instance, I have been devouring Skillet's album "Awake."  I haven't listened to Skillet in months, but I heard a song of theirs over the weekend and when I got in the car this morning I thought that today would be a good Skillet day.  Was it ever!!!  There are honestly like 9 songs in a row on that album that run through the entire gamut of emotions I've felt over the last 8 months.  Even more so, just the last 6 weeks.  I had totally forgotten about those songs.  I have no idea how I forgot about them, but I can tell you this, they are simply perfect for me right now.

Last week it was Eminem.  I listened to "Lose Yourself" and "Not Afraid" so many times that I think my iPhone actually got sick of them.  (Siri seemed to have some serious attitude and I think that's why.)  The week before I was totally into Air1 music.  I created a playlist called "Uplifting" and put only songs that encourage me or make me smile.  I have a few songs off of Jadon Lavik's album "Roots Run Deep."  It's an album of some of my favorite songs from church.  "Come Thou Fount," "I Surrender All," and "Amazing Grace" are just a few.  I also have "Lose My Soul" by TobyMac on that playlist.  I love that song.  There are a couple of songs by American Authors on there too.  I'm becoming a fan of that group.

 Before that I couldn't get enough of Maroon 5.  If I could be a musician I would be Adam Levine.  I think I would totally love being in a band like that, with a voice like that, singing music like that.  As they know in my office, he's my music crush (Don't go thinking the word crush means anything, as those in my office know, it's not a crush like that.....I swear!!!).

There are actually times when I'll be thinking something, or feeling something, and I'll hop on the iTunes store to see if I can find a song that expresses what I'm feeling.  I search for a title that I think just might exist.  I always find something too.  Music is like that.  It was a search like that when I found the band Paradise Fears.  I totally dig that band.  It's also how I came across the band Parachute.  I tell you what, there is music out there that can tell any story you want to tell.  Probably better than you can tell it yourself actually.  I know that's always been the case with me.  It sure is today, though unfortunately for the few of you, you're stuck having to read this.  Sorry.  Don't know what to tell you.....

Being single means I live two separate lives

That sounds bad.  That's not exactly what I meant.  As usual, let me see if I can explain.

So I have my boys 50% of the time.  We do one week on, one week off.  It's been working pretty well I think.  It sucks for the kids to have to pack up to come here, and slowly but surely I'm going to make sure they have everything they need here so that they won't have to, but for now it seems to work.  School is still in session, which means that I see my boys almost everyday.  I pick them up and take them to school.  I try to pick them up after school as often as possible too.  After school they go to their mom's, even on days I have them.  I pick them up after work.  That way we both get to see them almost every day.  That's a good thing because I don't know I would do if I couldn't see them all the time.

Anyway, back to the separate lives thing.  When my boys are here, they are my entire life.  I am with them almost all the time.  I mean, I'll run to the store, or hit the laundromat before they wake up, but for the most part I'm with them.  If I'm going to do something with friends, I'm taking one or both of my boys with me.  I say one or both because my 14 year old isn't all that keen on hanging out with dad.  He would prefer to stay here.  Every once in a while I can get him out, but not often.  I was the same way.  Back to the story....we'll go to little league games to hang out.  We'll go to someone's house as long as the boy's have someone there to play with.  Things like that.  When I have my boys, my life is my boys.

What do I do when I don't have my boys though?  Honestly, almost nothing.  I'm pretty much a hermit.  I've read A LOT.  I have listened to every song on my iPhone more often than I want to admit.  Recently my son has been in little league, so I've been able to do that quite a bit.  I loved watching him play.  It was literally my favorite thing to do for the last 2 1/2 months.  He just had his last game though.  That takes away one of my easy "get out of the house" things to do.  I don't want it to sound like I've done nothing.  I go to church on Sunday mornings.  I have gotten together with friends a couple of times over the last few months.  I went on those three dates that I mentioned.  I also went dancing a couple of weeks ago.  That was a big step for me.  It was something that I would have said, "No" to just a few weeks ago.  For the most part though, I'm a hermit.  

Here's the reason I decided to write about this.  I've decided it's time to stop being a hermit.  I don't make friends very easily.  I'm actually shy.  People look at me like I'm an idiot when I say that, but I am shy.  I have a difficult time initiating conversations.  Now, once I'm a part of the conversation, look out!!  I might not shut up.  But I can sit in a room full of people I don't know and not say a word for hours.  It's just who I've always been.  I'm not going to be that way anymore though.  I'm going to put myself in new social settings.  I actually did that a couple of weeks ago.  I went to a bar in town that someone had suggested.  It was nice.  It had a more mature crowd.  Totally not the "meat market" feel that a lot of places have.  I ended up talking to a guy about coaching.  He was probably around 60, and I got to listen most of the time, and it was great.  It was like everyone there knew each other and they were there for only one reason, to hang out with friends.  I loved it.  I plan on going back later this week during the farmer's market.

I figure, my entire life is being redefined.  Maybe it's time to try to bust out of my shell.  What's the worst that could happen?  Actually, don't answer that!!  Just let me find out for myself.  I would imagine there is a really good chance that I will share with you what I discover.

How do I communicate best?

That is a question I've been thinking about all day.  My mom said something to me this morning (She's one of my 4 readers.  Oh yeah, I said 4.  This is getting out of control!)  She mentioned that maybe I communicate better through writing than I do verbally.  That's totally thrown me for a loop.  Is that true?  If so, crap.  I talk all the time.  I almost never write.  This blog being the exception of course. (Leave me alone)

So, let me start with what I know.  I know for a fact that I suck at communicating through text.  I have a lot of evidence to back that up.  My meaning, my sarcasm, my true self just does not come across through text.  That sucks, but it's the truth.  What else do I know?  I know that I use way too many words.  I've always known that I use too many words when I write (sorry) but I've only recently realized that I also use too many words when I talk (Thank you again mom. Seriously.)  I had no idea.  I honestly thought that talking was my bread and butter.  Dude, how many different ways can you be wrong?

So I've been thinking all day, how do I communicate best?  Maybe it's actually through a medium like this.  Maybe, just maybe, it's through writing.  I wonder.  Here's the hardest part...I can't answer that question myself.  I thought it was my verbal skills...yeah, not so much.  Apparently.  Through text?  I know that's not the way.  Do I communicate best through writing?  Oh my gosh!!!  What if I do?  I never write.  OK.  I never wrote before this blog.  Again, the 4 of you need to cut me some slack.  I'm still trying to figure all of this out.

I have a problem though with the whole writing thing.  My problem?  I prefer face-to-face.  I prefer that by a large margin.  So what am I supposed to do?  I figure I need to do the same thing I do on this blog, but I need to do it way faster.  What does that mean?  I'll try to explain.  I actually type WAY more on this blog than what the 4 of you actually get to read.  I do a ton of editing before I click on the publish button.  Why?  I use too many words.  I edit this blog to get rid of all of the extraneous crap.  I hope it's working.  I actually had a boss recently who would proofread some of my emails and would point out where I used too many words.  He was a Berkeley grad, which means he was way smarter than me by default, but I really appreciated his input.  He would take 15 words and turn them into 5.  It was awesome!  I think I'm getting better at that here, but I'm not sure I've figured it out when talking.  I hope I'm getting better there too.  The 4 of you will have to let me know the next time we talk.

I have to say, this entire week has been totally liberating.  I never expected that to happen, but it did.  Please allow me to look up to Heaven and say, "Thank you."  With that, once again, I'm out!!

This is crazy, but I searched for a word and found it doesn't exist in English

That's the truth.  I swear it.  Let me explain.

OK.  I've said before that I love musical theater, which means I love musicals.  Without a doubt, the funniest one I've ever seen is Avenue Q.  It's like an adult Sesame Street.  It's hilarious.  The best part is that the people controlling the puppets don't even try to hide.  They are full on out there for everyone to see.  It's awesome.  Anyway, one of the songs is titled, "Schadenfreude."  Now, if you don't know what that means, the songs defines it...happiness at the misfortune of others.  Apparently it's German.  It's also very easy to do.  For instance, the song talks about how fun it is to watch straight A students getting B's.  If you weren't a straight A student, which I wasn't, that may ring true for you too.  It's really easy to do, and I know the song well enough to know how to spell schadenfreude without looking it up.  Yeah, I suck...

So why do I bring that up?  Because I've been trying really hard not to do that.  I want to be the exact opposite of that.  The thing is, it's so much easier to be jealous, or envious than it is to feel joy for someone else's happiness.  At least for me it is.  Maybe I'm just a horrible person.  I don't think so though.  Well, not completely horrible.  Moving on, and this is the just of what I'm getting at.  I've really been struggling with something.  Let's see if I can do this...  My ex is better off without me.  Wow...I said it.  It's true though.  She's stronger, more confident, and I think, happier.  It's really hard for me to say that because I've always wanted to be the best.  I wanted to make her feel strong, but I blew that.  I wanted to make her feel confident, but I didn't.  I wanted to make her happy, but I ended up making her pretty miserable.  For lack of a better term, I failed.  I hate that, but it's the truth.  Now don't get me wrong, I don't for a second think that I was entirely at fault, but I was absolutely partly at fault.

(Allow me to change tenses here)  So, she's better off and I hated to admit it.  The part that was really hard for me?  It's what I always wanted for her so I found myself feeling like a hypocrite (I am) because I wanted her to be free of me, but once she was I really didn't like it.  I didn't, for quite a while.  And if I'm being honest, I still struggle with it sometimes, but not as much as I did.  I realized what I was feeling a few weeks ago and decided I was going to do something about it.  I wanted to be happy for her.  (Umm, I haven't been the best at doing something about it, but I'm getting better every day.)  I decided that the first thing I wanted to do was find the antonym to schadenfreude.  I wanted a word that meant, happiness at the fortune of others.  I looked everywhere.  You know what I found?  It doesn't exist in the English language.  That actually kind of pissed me off.  How is there not a word for that?!?  It turns out there is, but in a different language, and it's related to a religion that I'm totally not interested in.

The word?  Mudita.  That's pronounced, muditā.  Yep, long A sound.  It's my new favorite word, and it's also helping me learn a new language.  It's Pāli and Sanskrit.  That's actually kind of cool.  What does it mean?  I'll borrow from Wikipedia:

Muditā (Pāli and Sanskrit: मुदिता) means joy. It is especially sympathetic or vicarious joy, the pleasure that comes from delighting in other people's well-being rather than begrudging it.

That was exactly what I was looking for and I found it.  The great thing is that I'm getting better at it every day.  I can look at my ex and be happy for her, because I still care about her and I want her to be happy.  I'm not just saying that.  Well...crap...I'm not just saying that NOW.  Fair enough?  I said it all along, and I thought I meant it, but when I saw it happening without me, I didn't feel that way.  It turned out, I wanted her to be happy, but happy with me.  I was being selfish, but I swear to you that I didn't realize it at the time.  I do now though.  So, I've been working really hard to embrace mudita (it's hilarious to me that spell check keeps trying to change that word).

Here's another thing I'm struggling with though.  Do you know where mudita comes from?  It's Buddhist.  Not just a Buddhist idea, but it's one of their four immeasurables.  Apparently there is even a meditation based on the idea.  Are you kidding me?  Is there a more Christlike characteristic that mudita?  How is there not an English word for it, a word to attribute that characteristic to Christ?  It's driving me insane, but I have to let it go.  I'm just glad I found the word.  It's funny, because just this last week I read that Merriam-Webster added a bunch of new words, including hashtag and turducken, to the English words they have definitions for.  I have no idea how to make it happen, but I would love it if mudita was a new word for 2015.

Here's where things get really crazy.  How much do I love the word mudita?  I'm thinking of getting it as a tattoo.  Now if you knew me, you'd know that I don't have tattoos.  You'd probably even think I was against tattoos.  That's not the case though.  I've thought about getting one.  In fact, I've wanted one for years.  My ex finds them very attractive, which was reason enough for me to get one, but I could never figure out what to get.  It was going to be permanent, so it had to mean something.  It had to mean something to me.  I thought about getting the names of my boys, but that always seemed so cliché to me.  Please don't think that I look down on people who have their kid's names.  I'm absolutely certain that those names mean everything to them.  It just didn't work for me.  To each his own right?  Well, I'm thinking of getting मुदिता on my back.  I'd totally get it on one of my biceps, but you kind of need biceps to pull that off and I just don't have them.  So I'm thinking on my shoulder blade.  I love the word.  I don't know if I'll get the tattoo (I need the money,) but it's the first tattoo that I've actually thought I wanted.  Huh...who would've thought?

Crud, it's late again.  Goodnight you two.  Thanks for letting me fill those moments where you have nothing else to do.

Things that make me smile

I've been thinking about this a lot over the last couple of days.  I like to smile.  I like to make others smile even more than I like to smile myself.  So, what makes me smile?  I'll tell you (I just know I'm going to regret sharing some of these...oh well, hopefully they make you smile)

First and foremost, my kids.  Seriously, my kids have a super power over me.  Like the most super, most powerful, super power ever.  If they smile, I smile.  It's a guarantee.  Even if the reason they're smiling is because they're laughing at me, which happens way more than I want to admit, it still makes me smile.  You know what I love the most though?  When they feel like they've accomplished something.  The look on their face during those moments....well, I can't think of anything I like more.  I'll give an example.  My oldest tried out for his 8th grade basketball team this year.  He wasn't going to at first.  He was certain that he wouldn't make the team, so he said he wasn't even going to try out.  I asked him to at least give it a shot, but I didn't push it.  He decided to try on his own and I was really proud of him.  Here's the best part though...  The coach announced who made the team by putting a paper up on the outside of the gym.  It was a Sunday morning, so I drove him over to the school so that he could take a look.  When we got there, I parked the car and was about to get out when he looked at me and said he wanted to go by himself.  I said ok, and then had a near heart attack as I watched him walk up to the sheet of paper.  I was way more nervous than he was even though I didn't care if he made the team.  I was just proud that he tried.  Anyway...he looked at the sheet of paper and slowly turned around with the coolest look I've ever seen on his face.  He had made it.  I honestly can't think about that moment without getting tears in my eyes and the biggest smile on my face.  I'm telling you...super powers!!!

What else makes me smile?  My staff.  I run the technology department for a public school district and I have the best staff.  I love them.  They all kick ass and make my job way easier than it should be.  And the best part?  They all have absolutely no problem giving me a hard time.  I'm a sarcastic son of a b...well, you know, but I like to think that I can take it as well as I give it.  Maybe even better.  That's a good thing too because it's so easy to find things to give me a hard time over.  I mean, I have a pink lawn flamingo covered in pink boas on the desk in my office.  (Again, don't judge me!! It makes me smile)  Here's another example for you.  They had a blast on Friday giving me a hard time because I was totally bummed that I wasn't going to see The Backstreet Boys when they come to town in a couple of weeks.  I am bummed too.  I would totally go to that show!!!  My staff had a really good time with it, and I have to admit, I was all in with the amount of laughter it was causing.  My staff and I laugh so much, and quite often it's at my expense.  I'm good with that though, because I know that they respect me, and I know that each and every one of them have my back.  They're awesome, and they make me smile.  I think we all make each other smile actually.

What else... oh yeah.  Kids.  Not mine, well of course mine, but I mean kids in general.  I totally dig kids.  I'll fist bump and blow it up with any kid, any where.  Kids just make me smile.  I actually have this little thing I do where I try to get kids to smile at me.  Like kids in the grocery store, or something like that.  It's amazing how simply noticing and smiling at a kid can get them to smile back.  You can't beat a little kid's smile.  I love having conversations with kids because they are so different from the conversations I have with adults.  Plus, I'm a total goofball, so I tend to relate well to a lot of kids.  I remember in high school, we actually ran a preschool.  It was awesome.  Totally one of my favorite classes.  I had a blast playing with the kids.  I even had a mom come up to me at the end of the semester and thank me because I was the first male that her daughter had warmed up to in a very long time.  She didn't go into a lot of details, and I'm glad she didn't, but she gave me a hug and said thank you.  It was one of the coolest moments of my life.  I'll never forget it.

OK.  Here's a good one.  I love watching people be awesome at what they are best at.  For instance, my ex can sing.  Like totally sing.  I loved watching her sing up in front of church, or at weddings.  It always made me smile.  Another example, I work with a really great group of teachers.  I've been fortunate enough to watch a number of them present to other teachers, or simply teach their classes, and they are fantastic at it. I love sitting back and watching them do their thing.  Another, my dad played the trumpet for years.  He played in the orchestra at church and it was the coolest thing to me.  I can't hear the "Hallelujah Chorus from Handel's Messiah without thinking of my dad.  There's this one part in the middle of the song where the lead trumpet player has a very brief solo that leads the singers into a really powerful "King of Kings...."  My dad always nailed that part.  So awesome!  I loved watching him play.

OK.  There are lot of other things that make me smile.  You know, things that make everyone smile, like sunsets, or rainbows, or whenever somebody tickles me (Do not try to tickle me!)  I like to smile.  Even more important, I like it when other people smile.  I think most people are like that.  It's just something that I've been thinking a lot about in the last couple of days, so I thought I'd write it down.  Anyway, time for bed.  Good night both of my readers.  I'm out.

What a week!!!

I think I just got off the craziest roller coaster I've ever been on.  Seriously.  The last 7 days...actually, let's go with since last Friday, I have had so many ups and downs that my feet are still wobbly.  How about a recap...

My youngest hit an inside the park home run to tie the game in the bottom of the last inning on Friday evening.  Well, it was a legitimate triple with a throwing error that allowed him to score, but in minor baseball that an inside the park home run and I don't care what anyone says!!!  My ex got video of it and I have watched it at least 50 times this week.  So awesome for him!!!

Then I went disco dancing.  I was all ready to dress up too.  For reals yo!  I had gone thrift shopping and everything.  Last minute though the dress up part of the evening was voted down by the group.  That's ok though.  I'm pretty sure that polyester would have left a rash.  So I danced.  And man, did I dance.  If you don't know me, I like to dance.  (Haha, that's funny.  If you don't know me you're not reading this blog, but I'll pretend I have an anonymous reader somewhere.)  So yeah, I like to dance.  A woman told me to marry her that night too.  Why?  I told her happy 27th birthday.  I'm not kidding.  For some reason she really liked that.  What can I say?

I also had something happen to me on the dance floor that I've never had happen before.  So, I have no problem dancing by myself.  That's a good thing actually because I spend most of the time dancing by myself.  I know, that's sad.  Anyway, I was doing just that when a couple of woman approached me.  I stopped, looked at them, and said the only thing that came to mind..."hi."  One of the woman says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but my friend here would like to dance with you."  I looked at her friend and she had this cute little shy smile going on.  I thought to myself, "No freakin way!!  I've never been on this side of this situation before!!"  I was always the shy one needing help.  I looked at her and said, "Absolutely."  So we danced.  It was a lot of fun.  Afterward I gave them both a hug and said, "Thank you ladies."  It really was surreal.

Sunday was Mother's Day.  It was the first Mother's Day since we split.  We went to dinner as a family and it was really nice.  I hope she had a good Mother's Day.

I had drinks with my ex on Monday.  We're trying to keep the friend thing going.  We've known each other for 20 years, and as I've said, nobody will ever make me laugh harder than her.  So she asked me to meet her for drinks and I said sure.  You know, we still say things like, "I wish we would have..." or, "I should have..."  You know what?  We need to stop doing that.  It doesn't help.  It just keeps us thinking about the past.  Anyway.  Monday night was really difficult.  I'm not going to go into details, but it was really difficult.  I'm glad I was a part of it though.

My ex turned 40 on Tues.  She still looks like she's in her mid 20's.  She really is a beautiful woman.  My youngest had his last band concert of the year that evening and at the last minute I looked at my calendar and realized that I had been saying 6, but my calendar said it was 5:30.  Of course it was already 5:25.  To make matters worse, he was at her house.  I had to call and tell her that I screwed up the time.  I hate screwing up like that.  She hurried up and got him there the same time I was walking up and what do we find?  It started at 6:30.  Are you serious?  Yeah, we had an hour.  I paid for my mistake though.  I had to sit through an entire elementary violin concert while we waited for the band.  That was brut.....a lot of fun. :)

There was a totally cool moment during the concert.  My youngest played "Happy Birthday" as a solo to his mom on her birthday.  He totally nailed it too.  It was very, very cool.  Then the four of us went to dinner again.  It was fun.  I enjoyed it a lot.

Wednesday was not so much fun.  Feel free to read my "Well that sucked..." post to read about that day.  The meeting I referenced?  I met with her and her attorney for the first time.  As I said, it sucked.  Oh well.

Thursday was better.  There's a post about that too.

Then last night my oldest decided he didn't want to come stay at my house this week.  That was pretty devastating.  I'm not sure if it's a one time thing, or something that will continue coming up.  I wasn't going to fight him on it this time though.  We'll see about next time.  I already miss him.  Even though I hardly see him when he's here because he's back in his room the entire time, I still really like having him here.  I have to figure out how to connect with him.  He's 14.  I hope I can figure something out.

So yeah, crazy week.  There's something else that's been really difficult for me to deal with, but it really isn't my story to tell, so I"ll wait until another time to share what that's been like.  I also had something happen that might be really nice to deal with, but I'm not sure yet so that will have to wait too.  Life sure is full of ups and downs isn't it?  Hey life, I love a great roller coaster and all, but could I sit this week out please?  I'm thinking a nice slow ride through "It's a Small World" is in order.  Wait, I hate that song.  Change that.  You know what I mean though.  Don't you life?  Life?  Oh man.  Looks like I'm going to have to find out for myself.  You know what?  Bring it on!!

Better...

Today was better.  It wasn't perfect, but what day is right?  You know something, attitude matters.  I woke up yesterday thinking it was going to suck, and ta da!! (Is that how you spell ta da?  I've never written that before....one sec, have to go check....dangit, there's a hyphen.  Let's try that again.)  and ta-da!! (nailed it)  Today I woke up thinking I will not let today suck, and bam!!  Better day.

So somebody has to explain something to me.  Why is it so easy to keep doing the same thing over and over again even though you know you should be doing something different?  What's up with that?  I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who does that.  In fact, I know I'm not.  If you're reading this and thinking to yourself that you have no idea what I'm talking about, you're kidding yourself.  Trust me. So why do we do that?!?  Seriously, I totally set myself up yesterday.  I've been doing that a lot.  I don't think I'm a stupid guy, though I'm probably the wrong person to ask.  However, I do stupid things all the time.  Is there anything more frustrating?  Bah!!

You know what really gets me about that?  On the days I don't do the same stupid stuff, I totally feel better.  I have way better days.  Why the heck don't I take that approach all the time?  Maybe I am stupid.  I know better...well...I'm pretty sure I know better.  No, that's not true.  I don't know squat anymore.  As I said in one of my earlier posts, I don't actually think there is a better.  Let's go with easier.  I know easier. (That doesn't sound right.  I'll work on that)  Hold on, side note time....

You guys know that when I put things in parentheses that I'm trying to type what's going on in my head right?  I'll write something and then think something about what I just typed, so then I put that inside of parentheses.  (Dude...you're sounding ridiculous)  Tell you what, let's move on.  Side note over...

So back to the whole, "I know easier" idea.  I totally do.  Why is it that often times I don't think about that until the next day though?  I'll wake up and think, "DUDE!!! What were you thinking? If you'da been thinkin you wouldn't 'a thought that." (oh yeah, movie quote time)  *sigh*  I'll get better at that.  Well....I'll try to get better at that.

OK.  I've been having a battle of wills with the dishes all night long, and I'm determined to win this thing.  So, with that, I have to go.  Those suckers are getting cleaned!!! Oh yeah.  It's happening.  Later....all 2 of you reading this. Lol.

Well, today sucked...

You ever have one of those days where it's all over and you're laying in bed and you think, "Well, today sucked!"  That was today for me.  I'm not in bed yet of course (I wish,) but hopefully you get the point.  Without going into details (you have to deal with that, sorry) I ended up having a meeting I never wanted to have and that I never want to have again, I had a friend dismiss me without talking to me first, and I ended up embarrassing myself more than I ever remember being embarrassed.  Quite the day.  To top it all off I burned the crap out of the top of my mouth eating some left over lasagna.  (It was Stouffer's, please don't think I prepared that myself, but it still burned the crap out of my mouth.)  That is going to take today's suck right into tomorrow morning when I think, "What the heck is that on the top of my mouth?!?"  "How did that happen?!?"  Awesome!!!

I should be clear.  Not all of today sucked.  In fact, I just read an email from a teacher who works at one of the High Schools in the district where I work and he's going to literally save my ass. (Yes I said ass.  Don't judge me)  It's funny, because he feels bad that he's asking for compensation and I'm thinking, "Dude, that's all you want?!?"  Yeah, he's awesome.  I guarantee I'll be giving him credit and not taking it for myself.  We have a lot of teacher's like that in our district.  We're lucky.

So, back to my sucky day.  (I know. Seriously? You're going to follow that with suckiness?  Yeah I am...deal with it!)  So I had a meeting today that I hated.  I tried to be totally non-combative.  I failed of course.  I tried to be totally understanding...yep...screwed that one up too.  I got through it though.  I don't think you can ever be happy about getting through a meeting you never wanted to have, but at the moment it's all I've got.

I lost a friend too.  This one totally sucks because I didn't even know they were mad at me.  I can totally see it now that they've explained it a bit, but dang I wish that would have happened sooner.  I don't blame them.  I should have seen it sooner.  That's on me.  I see that now.  It still sucks though.

Then I totally embarrassed myself.  This is the big one.  You have to understand, I don't get embarrassed.  Ever.  It's just the way I am and that's probably a really good thing because if I did, with how dorky I am, I'd be in for a horrible life.  Anyway, I don't get embarrassed.  Well...except for today.  Today I did.  Today I tried to do something that was totally stupid and I was straight up denied.  I should have been.  As I said, it was totally stupid.  I did it anyway.  I really, really hope I'm not the only one who does that.  If I am....well crud!!!  However, I did it and I wish I could take it back.  You can't though can you?  Welcome to reality man.  So yeah, that sucked.  I'm hoping it's a lesson learned, but honestly I can't guarantee that.  I'm going to blame that on the whole "being human" thing.  I don't know if that's the case, but it makes me feel better.

And my mouth still hurts!!!  Dude.  Son of a b.... (I'll leave that word to my mom talking to my sis.  Oh yeah, I totally mentioned that.  Luckily the only people reading this know what that means)  So yeah, today sucked.  My hope is that tomorrow will be better.  Who knows though......

Setting my priorities....I really hope I'm doing it right

I was asked to go disco dancing with some people from work tonight.  Yes, that's right, disco dancing.  I'm looking forward to it for a number of reasons.  I even went thrift shopping yesterday to find something to wear, but unfortunately I couldn't find anything.  Oh well.  What does that have to do with priorities though?  I'll tell you, I almost said no.  Why would I say no to something that I really wanted to do?  Simple, my son has a little league game tonight.  That would be a no-brainer.  Luckily, the game is early enough for me to do both.  The game has to come first though.  I'll explain...

When I moved out, I had a number of people asking me if I knew what I was doing.  I heard, "I think you're priorities are messed up," more than once.  They could be right too.  Maybe my priorities were messed up.  Since that time though, my priorities have been incredibly important to me.  I know this is an oversimplification, but assuming your actions are determined by your priorities, then your priorities really do determine the person you are.  The things I choose to do and/or say are determined by what I think is most important.  At least, that's what I think.  I've said before, I know what I think, but I don't think I know.  The rest of this post is going to explain what I think.  Go figure.

The last few months have been really difficult.  Big surprise right?  From the moment I left...actually even before that time... I wanted to make sure that when I was older (you know, "all grown up"), that when I thought back about this time and asked myself how I got through it, I would be content with the answer.  I grew up in the church.  It's the only life I've ever known, and the only one I ever want to know.  I say that now, because if you've grown up in the church, you know what the answer is supposed to be when asked how you got through it.  God.  Prayer.  That is the absolute most important thing.  It is the only right way to get through anything.

I agree with that.  It absolutely is the most important thing.  However, God gives us choices.  I pray for guidance, and he delivers.  Here's where my thinking is on this though.  God gives us guidance, but not directions.  Hopefully I can explain this.  I am at a fork in the road of my life and there are 10 paths I can take.  Each one leads to the same destination.  I will die, and those paths all lead to that moment.  God knows what will happen on each of those paths, and he gives us guidance on which one we should strive for, but ultimately it is up to us to decide which path to take.  That is the choice God has given us.  I don't think that there are right or wrong paths.  There aren't right or wrong decisions.  However, I think there are easier and harder paths.  I think there are some paths that will cause us to feel pain and guilt, and others that will cause us to feel joy.  In it's most simplified form, God gives us the Google Maps guidance with multiple options on how to get to our destination.  The specific directions we choose to use though are up to us.

God is first.  He's the entire Google Maps.  All the different paths are his paths. So, here are the directions I've chosen.  These aren't the right directions by any means...they are just the one's I've chosen.  My kids come first.  I will be there.  I will see every game, every big moment.  I will celebrate with them when they succeed and I will cry with them when they fail.  I've chosen that path for very selfish reasons actually.  I've made that decision because I never feel better than I do when my boys are happy.  I don't want to miss a single moment that I can never get back.  I want my boys to know they come first.

You know what I think about when I have my worst moments now?  First, I pray.  I ask for help.  You know how God helps?  He helps me think of my boys.  I think about the look on my 14 year old's face as he walked off the field after catching three passes in the fourth quarter of his last game.  I think about how awesome it was watching him score his first basket.  I think about my youngest walking into the dugout after hitting his first triple saying, "It felt GOOD to rip one!"  I think about him pumping his fist after striking out a kid with bases loaded to close out the third inning of a game earlier this week.  He was so proud of himself.  I wouldn't have cared if he gave up a grand-slam, but I'll never forget having that moment with him.  If I do miss something, it will be because I'm doing something else that is for my kids.  It's that simple to me.  They are more important than I am.  Actually, as I said, I have the most fun when I'm with them.  I am being selfish for choosing them first.

I go to church.  I wish I could say every Sunday, but that would be a lie.  However, going to church is a huge priority for me.  It's huge because it's not enough to just say God is first, I have to prove it too.  I know it seems like I just said my kids are first, but to me, God is first when I'm with my kids too.  He's there, and I think he wants me there too.  Also, it's really important to me that my boys know that I'm going to church.  They need to see that I think it is a huge priority.  Lead by example I suppose.

Work has to be next.  I have to provide for my kids.  There's no other choice.

I guess next would be "me" time.  Playing tennis, reading a book, going disco dancing...  It's important to have this time too.  Really important.  However, it's not more important than the things above.  I hope I never feel like it is more fun playing tennis than it is to be present for my boys' moments.

That is the path I want to take all the time....It's hard for me sometimes though.  I find myself saying or doing something and justifying it to myself with, "I deserve it," or "I'm not doing anything wrong."  Both of those statements are true.  However, there are things that I could be doing that I'd feel better about later.  There are things I could be doing that would make others feel better later.  My priorities determine my actions and my words.  My actions and words don't only effect me, they effect others too.  Yes, I deserve it, but do they?  Do they deserve to feel the way they do because I feel like I've done nothing wrong?  That's really up to each person to decide for themselves.  God gives me guidance on that, and I know how I feel about it, but that's simply the path I've chosen to take.  I have no idea if it's the "best" path, in fact, I'm sure it's not.  However, it's the path that let's me sleep best at night.  At this time in my life, that's huge.

I know that I will fail at a lot of things moving forward.  It's inevitable.  My priority though is to make sure that God is first.  I think I'm doing that by making sure I don't fail with my kids.  I hope so at least.

Absolutes are absolutely ridiculous

Always, never, everything, nothing, etc.....I've come to the conclusion that these are some of the stupidest words ever created by the human race.  Don't get me wrong, they have their purpose, but I wish that their definitions would have defined them as only acceptable when talking about God.  God always loves us.  Yep, that works.  Webster's should have specified that only God can have absolute attributes.  Only God can perform tasks absolutely.  I wish they would have made it clear that you and I, well, we don't work that way.

In my experience, assigning these attributes to yourself or to another person, or saying you or they did everything/nothing is one of the quickest ways to create conflict and strife.  Let me give you an example.  "I always took care of everything!"  I've said that.  I've said that more than once.  That is such a moronic statement.  Of course I didn't take care of everything.  I may have felt like it, but that is such a limiting statement to make.  By saying that I take care of everything, I imply that others take care of nothing.  I'm an idiot.  I actually had to have that explained to me yesterday.  Are you kidding me?  I didn't see that for myself?  Total fail dude!

I've also found though, that using absolutes in a positive way can totally backfire too.  Here's one for you, "I will always love you."  Man, that is a big one.  Huge.  Is there a bigger promise that a person can make?  God pulls that one off.  He does.  Me?  I have made that promise and then totally screwed it up.  I don't think I'm unique in that regard.  I think that's something humans do, but it sucks.  Big time sucks!!  That's one of those things that you can never take back.  You want to destroy someone?  Tell them you don't love them anymore.  Tell them the feelings are gone.  As Sally told Harry, "You can't take it back....It's already out there!"  I wish I could say I wasn't that big of a jerk.  I have been.  There are reasons why I did.  There are "always" reasons right?  (Did you catch that word there?)  However, it's still brutal.  Talk about feeling like a failure.

What does that mean moving forward?  Will I use absolutes in the future?  Of course I will.  I'm a flawed individual who tries his best to learn from his mistakes, but will never be perfect.  I do know this though, I am very aware now just how much power absolutes have.  Incredible power when used against me, and incredible power when I've used them.  Doggone it Webster's, thanks for nothing!!!

Friends...taking their side

You know how when you're talking to a friend, and they're telling you about a situation that they are dealing with, you always take their side?  You listen, you sympathize, and you agree with them.  At least most of the time.  Most of the time you take their side because that's what friends do.  However, what happens when the situation they are dealing with is because of you?  Do you still take their side?  That's tough.  Especially when the friend you're dealing with is a friend that you've had for years and years.

Let me start with the first thing I mentioned, listening and always taking a friends side.  I haven't always been good at that.  Like most men, I want to fix things.  I want to provide solutions.  However, it's really difficult to listen when you are trying to think of ways to fix something.  It's also really difficult to show that you are taking their side when you end up telling them how you think they should handle something.  I have totally sucked at that for a very long time.

I think I'm getting better at it.  The older I get, the more I realize I'm wrong.  I don't handle everything the right way.  In fact, more and more I'm thinking that in a lot of cases, there is no right way.  There are just different ways.  I wouldn't have said that a few years ago.  I would have said that there is a "best" way, therefore there is a "right" way.  I was stupid.  What can I say?  So, I'm trying really hard to not think so much when friends are sharing frustrations with me.  I'm trying to just listen.  It's still a struggle for me.  I'd be lying if I said it wasn't.  There are still times where I think there is an easy solution to a problem and I blurt it out.  Often times I catch myself after I've done it and think, "Dang-it man, you know better."  Just because I know better doesn't mean I do better all the time.  I'm going to keep working on it though.  There are times where I'll ask if someone would like my opinion, but more and more I'm trying to not even offer an opinion.  I'm trying to just listen and understand what they are going through.  If they wan't my advice they can ask.  Again...I'm trying.

Here's the real challenge.  Keeping that approach when I'm the cause of their frustrations or situations.  How do I take their side when I so obviously have my own side that I believe?  That's a really good question.  I'm not sure I know the answer, but I will share with you where my thoughts are leading me.

Perception is reality to the person holding the perception.  I have struggled with this a lot in the past.  My intentions are often times misunderstood because of my delivery or because of preconceived notions of who I am or what I mean.  I can absolutely understand that.  I've come across as pushy, as a bully, when trying to explain my point of view in the past.  I've come across as judgmental or disappointed.  I've made people feel like I don't value their feelings or ideas.  I made people, in particular my ex feel stupid even though I always thought she was incredibly intelligent.  I still do that to people sometimes.  Add that to the list of things I'm working on.  Here's what I'm learning though, I can't possibly explain my intentions if I don't first work to understand how my actions or words caused someone else to feel.  I have to "take their side" first before I can share mine.  I'm also discovering that understanding their side first will often times change the way I explain my own.  (Does any of that make sense?)

Here's where things get really difficult for me though.  I really badly want others to understand my side before telling me theirs, when I'm the one upset.  I get frustrated when I think that I would try to understand them, but they aren't trying to understand me.  I want them to hear me say, "I screwed up, but here's the reason why..." and to have them say, "I understand."  How freaking self-centered is that?  I know it is.  I know that it is an unreasonable expectation to put on someone else.  I know that it makes me a hypocrite because I so often don't work hard enough to understand them myself.  All that being said, it's still one of my biggest struggles at the moment.  I'm having a really difficult time accepting the fact that I don't always succeed at it, and if that's the case, I can't possibly expect others to succeed at it either.  I have to work harder at finding ways to effectively communicate.  I have absolutely no idea if I will ever be able to accomplish that though.

I'm also not great at the whole patience thing, so the idea that time heals all wounds is often difficult for me to accept.  Sigh....one more thing....

I should probably tell you a little bit more about myself

So, I figure that it might help if I told you a little bit about myself.  I really hope I don't regret doing this.....

I'm a pretty optimistic guy.  My life hasn't worked out the way I planned, but whose does?  I know this, I can handle it.  Whatever comes my way, I can handle it.  I pray a lot.  That's important.  Trust me when I say it helps.

You guys can see my picture.  I figure I don't need to say anything other than, my appearance is pretty average.  I'm losing my hair though.  That kind of sucks because I'm pretty sure I have a ridge that goes right down the middle of my head.  When I end up bald I'm going to look like the "chicken from hell."  (Don't feel bad, I didn't know what that was either.  I spent forever trying to find a dinosaur or an animal that would fit the description of how I think I'll look and I ended up having to settle for...)

http://phys.org/news/2014-03-chicken-hell-dinosaur-large-feathered.html

So, I'm pretty average looking.  I'm OK with that.  It's how God made me.  Moving on....every once in awhile I'll do something that doesn't make sense even to me.  For instance, I recently took this picture..

Why?  Because I had never seen three white pigeons together before.  I know.  Who does that?  I do.  What can I say.  I'm also anal about certain things.  For instance, I originally titled the picture above "pidgeons"  I had never spelled pigeon before.  At least, I don't remember ever spelling it.  I titled it quickly and uploaded it, but I didn't feel right.  I had to check.  Yep, I spelled it wrong.  I had to fix that.  Would anyone care that the title of the picture was misspelled?  Yes, I would.  So I fixed it.  I'm fully aware of how ridiculous that is, but it's who I am.  As I've said, simply me is not so simple.

I'm turning 40 this summer, and that really doesn't phase me at all.  If I'm lucky it will happen without anyone realizing it.

I am a band geek.  I'm a third generation trumpet player, though I haven't played in years.  I also totally dig a capella music.  Actually I love musical theater in general.  I would love to be able to spend my evenings watching Broadway shows.  Hey, don't judge me!

I also played tennis in high school and have recently started playing again.  I was/am decent but not great.  My timing was totally off though in high school.  When you think of tennis players now you think of Rafael Nadal, or Andy Roddick if you're a bit older.  Those guys are like awesome models.  Playing tennis now is pretty cool.  Playing tennis when I played....not so much :)

Hmmm, what else?  I love to read.  When my oldest was a bit younger he loved to read so I started reading the books he was into so that we could talk about them. He's 14 now and would much rather play on the computer than read, so I'm kind of on my own.  I just finished the Divergent series and really enjoyed it.

I love to dance.  I can still dance like Vanilla Ice.  Again, don't judge!  It may not be very cool, but at least I'm not Carlton Banks.  I also don't embarrass easily.  It's a good thing if I'm dancing like Vanilla Ice right?  I just figure, I'm a dork, it's easier to just accept it and use that to make people smile.  I find that people smile a lot when they are laughing at me.

There's a lot more, but I think I should stop before I say something that really makes people wonder.  I just started this blog, give me a couple of weeks ;)

A quick little change of pace

Believe it or not, I'm actually a pretty optimistic guy.  I smile a lot.  Well, at least I think I do.  So here's a little change of pace.....

I just got to the office and I parked in a different location than I normally do.  I'm going to forget that when I walk back out to my car.  I know it.  I'm writing about it here, which should help me remember later....it won't.  I am a creature of habit when it comes to things like that.  I am going to walk out to the place I normally park.  I'm going to look for and not find my car.  Then I'm going to remember that I parked somewhere else today.  To top it off, I'm going to remember writing this blog post predicting my stupidity.  Crud...it just occurred to me that writing this may not be the best idea.

Oh well.  Here's to being able to tell the future!!! :)

So What's Next?

If somebody has the answer to that one, please let me know.  I've been trying to figure it out, but I haven't come close to finding the answer.  I try to keep myself busy.  There is always a ton of work to do.  I have a house that I have to keep up.  I even joined the board of our local junior football program and will be a head coach this upcoming season.  Those things help, but I find it really hard to concentrate sometimes.  Well, all the time if I'm being honest.  It's necessary though.

I pray a lot.  You would think that they are crazy, in-depth prayers, but actually they are usually very simple.  "Lord, please help me to make the right decisions today.  Please give me the strength to handle the consequences of the decisions I've already made.  Amen."  That's it.  That's how I start my day at least.  Throughout the day, when things become difficult and I start to wonder if I'm going to make it, the prayer becomes even more simple, "Lord, help me please."  It helps.  Of course it helps.  That's why the Bible makes it so clear to us that we should pray, and pray a lot.  I wish I would have done that more often in the past.

I know that I need to stop talking about the past.  I can't change it.  I made my decisions, I made my mistakes, and I can't take any of them back.  I have apologized for them, but that doesn't change them.  I talk about them because it is the way I learn from my mistakes.  I think about what I've done, and try to figure out how to do it better next time.  I'll try to focus on the future though.  It would probably be best to do so.

So, over the last month or so, I tried the dating thing.  I went on three dates with three different women.  I had a good time with each of them.  I even kissed one, though not for the right reasons.  Don't ever kiss someone thinking it will help you deal with stress or pain.  It doesn't work.  It only makes things worse.  Trust me on that one.  Anyway, I met all of the women through an app called Tinder.  You look at pictures, read a short profile summary, and then swipe right if you're interested or left if you're not.  If you're both interested you are notified and you can start texting.  I did that briefly with 5 or 6 women and ended up meeting 3 of them.  They were all very nice.  The conversation was easy.  The thing is, I knew the entire time that I wouldn't see them again.  Nothing against them, but it was very clear to me that I went on those dates because I was trying to force myself to move on.  There was no way that I was going to develop a lasting relationship with any of them.

I honestly don't know if or when I'll be ready for another relationship.  I haven't left the last one behind.  I know, I know, if I didn't leave it behind, why did I leave?  I've tried to explain that in my previous posts.  I thought I was doing what had to be done.  I'm an idiot.  I am fully aware of that.

Anyway, I deleted that app.  It's not who I am.  At least not right now.  I'll still try to date.  I figure I have to or I'll turn into a hermit.  Right now though, someone to talk to without feeling like I'm walking on eggshells would be perfect (funny thing is, my conversations with my ex now are becoming that way, oh well) I have no idea how to find someone like that, or if I ever will for that matter.  I am putting myself into more social settings though.  I figure I'll just focus on making new friends and see where that leads me.  I'm also trying really hard to live in the moment.  I try to keep my phone in my pocket as much as possible and just be present wherever I may be.  I'm getting better at that too.

Life is really hard.  Why does it have to be like that?  It kind of sucks.  I'll get through it though.  I am getting through it.  Some days are easier than others, but I made my decisions and I will deal with them.  It's a new day.  It's time to start with, "Lord, please help me to make the right decisions today.  Please give me the strength to handle the consequences of the decisions I've already made.  Amen."  Amen

We were doing it wrong

That title can mean a lot of different things can't it?  Well, let me explain what I mean.  My ex and I thought we were trying to fix things between us, but we were doing it wrong.  Again, these thoughts are mine.  Please don't think that I am speaking for her.  I am not.  I honestly do not know if she would agree with me or not.

Anyway, I didn't realize it at the time, but we were going about fixing things the wrong way.  I would say, "I'm trying as hard as I can.  I'm doing everything I can, but she's not working on things at all."  I felt like everything I tried just made things worse.  I was angry.  I had a ton of resentment built up.  I felt like she didn't appreciate me.  Honestly, I was convinced that she hated me and nothing was going to change my opinion.

I also felt like I couldn't be myself.  I was spending all of my time trying to be the person I thought she wanted me to be.  I blamed her for that.  I blamed her for that for a very long time.  That was my biggest mistake.  What I realize now is, I should have been working on being the man I wanted to be, instead of the man I thought she wanted me to be.  I think I'm a decent man, but I am extremely flawed.  I have made a lot of mistakes.  That being said, the man I want to be is a pretty good guy.  I should have been focusing on that.  I should have been focusing on being myself.  If I had done that, I think I would have been able to let go of a lot of the resentment I had.

What did I need to work on?  Oh man, that could take days and days.  I'll try to hit the main flaws though...  First, I assume way too much.  I am trying to become better at asking for clarification of things if I'm not certain I am taking them the right way.  Especially when the way I'm taking things makes me think negatively about the other person.  If I find myself getting defensive or upset about something, I'm trying hard to ask the person if I misunderstood their intention.  That's really hard.  It's so much easier to simply get upset and blame someone.

I can also make people feel like I think they're wrong.  I am very much an over-thinker.  I try to think through all scenarios.  I will think about something over and over again until I'm convinced I've figured it out.  That works out well in my job, but can be a disaster in a relationship.  I want to understand everything, so I'll ask people why they feel the way they do, or why they did something.  If they have a difficult time explaining, or if they say something like, "just because," I start to get frustrated.  If I'm not careful my quest for understanding can come across as judging, or disapproval.  The thing is, I know that I'm often wrong, I'm not great at showing it though.

Those are just a couple.  I have many more, but I want to get back to the topic.  If I had been focusing on improving those things about myself, the things I knew I needed to work on, I think things might have turned out differently.  I needed to just be myself.  I needed to trust that.  I needed to become the man I wanted to be.  The fact that I didn't was not her fault.  It was mine.  I can't blame anyone else for that anymore.

Ever get exactly what you wanted and hated the fact that you did?

Before I continue, I want to make something clear.  I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me.  I am not making excuses for my actions.  I made them on my own.  I accept the responsibility that comes with those decisions.  This blog is simply my way of explaining why I made the decisions I did.  Nothing more.  I fully expect people to disagree with my decisions.  In fact, it's entirely possible that most people will disagree with my decisions.  I'm not sure I'm right.  I am often wrong.

So, back to the title of the post, "Ever get exactly what you wanted and hated the fact that you did?"

That happened to me.  So as I mentioned in my previous post, I'm going through a divorce.  I was married for 16 years when the filing occurred.  That's a long time.  Something happened during that time though, and a lot of it was because I couldn't figure things out...because I wasn't good enough.  Anyway…

I feel the need to state this again...these are my thoughts.  These are my opinions and only mine.  I have no idea if she would agree with them.  She might tell you that I am completely full of it, and maybe I am.  All I can say is that these are my honest feelings.

My soon to be ex is a beautiful, funny and intelligent woman.  If I ever meet someone who makes me laugh as hard as she did, I'll be shocked.  So why did I leave?  Man....that really is a complicated question.  As I said earlier, we became oil and vinegar.  We just didn't mix anymore.  We were arguing a lot, and it was really affecting my oldest son.  I could tell.  I try not to go into the details of why that happened, but in an effort to fulfill the goal of this blog, I will explain a little bit of what I think happened.  However, there are so many parts that I'll have to do so through additional posts, otherwise this post alone will turn into a novel. 

So I'll skip ahead.  I got exactly what I wanted.  Both she and I had hit the point where we could no longer bring any joy to the other.  There was so much resentment on both sides, so much anger, that I couldn't see any way out.  We tried counseling...didn't help.  We talked to our pastor...didn't help.  We each had decided that the other had become an oppressive weight that we just couldn't shake.  We were stressed.  We were miserable.  Here's the thing.....we were both right.  Without meaning to, I felt like I had become someone that she detested.  My actions, and my failure to communicate effectively had become too much.  At the same time, some of the things she did had made me a very bitter person, and I wasn't strong enough to let go of it.

We needed freedom.  We had to figure out how to breathe.  We had to figure out a way where we felt free to make our own decisions without worrying about what the other person would say or do.  Both of us.  I knew it...well…I had convinced myself of it.  I felt like there was something I could do about it.  I moved out.  That was 8 months ago.  For the first 3 or 4 months we did this whole, we're separated but still married thing.  I never felt like we were letting go of the resentment though.  I still felt like she was controlling me.  I really don't think she did it on purpose, but I couldn't let go of the feeling.  (I’ll get into that in my next post)  So after 4 months, and a very emotional conversation where I felt like she was pleading with me to give her another chance, I told her I planned on filing.  I know, I'm an absolute and total jerk.

I didn't plan on it until the middle of that conversation.  In my mind, if I said OK at that moment, she would have continued to resent me forever.  She would have thought I only said yes because she begged.  My feeling at that moment was that she would have always hated herself for feeling so weak, and she would have resented me for it.  Plus, I couldn't understand why she would want to stay with someone that she detested (again, my thoughts, not hers.)  That is what was going through my mind.  I thought I was right, but I fully admit that I could have been completely wrong.  It could be that she never would have blamed me; that she would have been appreciative, but everything that had happened up until that point had me convinced otherwise.

So as I walked out the door and she asked me why I was doing it, all I could say was, "Because I have to."  I wanted her to feel free to be herself and I was convinced that she wouldn't get there unless I told her I was going to file.  Recently she asked me if I could see how selfish that was.  To make that decision for her.  She's right.  It was.  I didn't mean to be selfish.  I didn't mean to make the decision for her, but the truth is, I did.

In all honesty though, it wasn't just for her.  I wasn't sure I could get there either.  I needed to be free of her too, and I'm not sure I was going to figure out how without the filing taking place.  I know that sounds extreme, and that it probably makes me look pretty pathetic (actually, I know it makes me look pathetic) but I couldn't figure out another way.

It took about a month, but I started to see the changes in her.  I could tell that she didn't really care about what I thought anymore.  I could make guesses as to why, but that’s all they would be…guesses.  It is exactly what I wanted to happen when I walked out that door though.  I wanted her to be free of me.  Free of the stress and burden that I kept placing on her.  I also wanted to feel free myself.  I can't leave that part out.  I wasn't strong enough to let go of the resentment without something drastic happening.

I feel like I'm getting there too, and there was always a part of me that wanted to see what the two of us would be like once we figured ourselves out.  Once we were both free, could we maybe actually work together again?  I may never get the chance to find out.  I always knew that there would be a good chance I wouldn't get to, and that really bums me out.

Do I regret my decision to walk out?  I’m not sure yet to be honest.  If you were to ask me if I wanted her back, I would say, “Not yet.”  There are still a lot of things that would have to be forgiven and dealt with by both of us.  I can't go back to what we had, and I have no idea if we could work together.  We are different people now.  That was my goal though.  We had to figure ourselves out.  We had to learn how to be free.  It's exactly what I wanted.  We are both changing.  I got exactly what I wanted, but at the moment, I hate the fact that I did.  I may always hate the fact that I did.  

The teaching moment that made me start this blog

I posted this on Facebook last night and it was entirely too long.  My mom, and a friend on Facebook who let me know it was way too long, finally convinced me to start this blog.  With that....here's my post from last night.

OK, I had another moment with my youngest. This time is different though. This time it was a teaching moment, and I'm hoping some of you might give me your opinion. I swear I've looked all over for that "Perfect Parenting" book....you know, the one that tells you exactly what to say whenever a teaching moment presents itself....but I haven't found it yet. So, I'm asking my Facebook family for their thoughts. (I apologize for the amount of words. I'm working on that)

Here we go...my youngest made a little mistake today. He said "No" to something dad said. Now, it wasn't directly from me, my oldest told him that dad said. However, I did in fact say it. Later I asked my youngest about it and he said he wasn't told "Dad said." It turns out, he wasn't told the first time, but he was the second time when I was on the phone with my oldest. (Man I hope that makes sense) OK, here comes the lesson....well, here comes the lesson I taught.

I told him that he made two mistakes today, but that the second one is the one I wanted to talk about. I wanted to talk about honesty. In my opinion, honesty is way high on the important character traits list. It falls behind faith in God, but it's way up there. Now, I admit that I'm a bit of hypocrite for saying that. I haven't always been completely forthright. I've made mistakes, and I've really badly hoped that nobody would find out. Part of the lesson I shared with my son is this...God has a way of making sure people find out (I told him to trust me on that one, I found out the hard way.) My hope is that I've been honest once my mistakes have been discovered. I think I have been. I hope I've shown my boys that it's important to take responsibility for your actions, no matter how much that might suck for you.

Anyway...I said, "Bud, being honest is one of the hardest things to do sometimes. Especially when you have to admit to doing something wrong, but it's always better to be honest. The crazy thing is, sometimes, the hardest people to be honest with are the people you care about the most. Your friends and your family. You don't want them to be disappointed in you, or upset at you." I said, "But, they are the most important people to be honest with. They are the ones whose trust will matter the most. You don't want to lose that son. Once you do, it's really difficult to get it back." I then said, "You may hurt their feelings, or make them upset by being honest, but they will still trust you. It may be really hard to admit that you made a mistake. I know that because I've been there kid, but your life will be so much better if you're honest. Trust me. Please."
OK. I fully realize that I shared my feelings on the issue. I'm not sure they are right though. So, Facebook family, did I screw up my teaching moment? Please be honest and don't worry about hurting my feelings.....

Why this blog?

Well, I'm going through an interesting phase in my life.  I'm not the same person I used to be, and I'm not the person I want to be.  I'm simply me, but that is totally not simple.  I'm learning.  I'm spending a ton of time in self-reflection.  I'm trying to live in the moment, but my brain makes that really difficult sometimes.  I'm trying to figure things out.

Part of that process recently has been to post some of my thoughts on Facebook.  The problem with that is, I tend to get rather wordy.  Facebook is not really the best place to throw out 1000 word post.  However, I'm finding that putting some of my thoughts into words is really therapeutic.  I spend a lot of time in prayer now (though I'm sure some people would question that and I don't blame them,) and while that is by far the most important part of my current path of self discovery, it's not the entire path.  I've enjoyed putting my thoughts into words.  I enjoy sharing little pieces of my journey.  That's a new thing for me.  I've always been a really private person.  I don't want to be that way anymore though.  It's always felt like I was hiding things.  And... sometimes I was.  I've realized though that I hate feeling that way.  I figure I'll give sharing a try and see what happens.

So, here's a bit about me.  My wife and I separated 8 months ago and we're going through the paperwork process of divorce.  That means that I'm currently single and it totally sucks.  I hate it.  My number one goal in life was to have the perfect marriage, with the perfect kids, and to have a 75 year anniversary.  I wanted that more than anything ever since I can remember.  So what happened?  I will tell you what I think happened, but please understand that these are my feelings alone and she might think something entirely different.  With that, we screwed it up.  We lost the ability to focus on the good things, and instead could only focus on the things that annoyed us.  Neither of us felt like we could talk about our mistakes, which just led to us feeling resentful, and that led to us making more mistakes.  We became oil and vinegar.  We tried to fix things.  Well, we said we did.  We said all the right words.  But we were doing it wrong.  I'll explain more about that in a future post.

More about me.  I have 2 boys.  a 14 year old, and by the end of this month a 10 year old.  They are my entire world.  They are absolutely amazing, yet often times totally frustrating.  To me, that makes them perfect.  My goal for them, and what I try to help them with every day, is that they end up better men than I am.  I don't think that will be too difficult for them.  They are already awesome.

I am a Christian.  I know that should have been the first thing I said, but for some reason that's always been difficult for me.  I've always felt like saying that makes me sound like I think I'm superior to others around me, and trust me when I say I don't think I'm superior to anyone.  It ridiculous, I know, but it's always how I've felt.  It's the truth though, I am a Christian.  I pray.  I read the Bible.  I go to church.  I sing the songs and tend to dance a little more than is appropriate when doing so.  I try to be Christlike every single day, and every single day I fail miserably.  I speed.  I get angry.  I can be selfish.  I say bad words.  I sometimes drink too much.  I lie.  I sometimes come across like I think I'm better than other people (I hate that most about me. I swear it's not how I feel.)  I screw up each and every day.  I could keep going here for a very long time, but please allow me to stop.  I am a Christian.  It is who I am.

So, there you go.  As I said, simply me is not so simple.  I'm working on it though.  If you're a glutton for punishment, feel free to follow along on my journey.