Friends...taking their side

You know how when you're talking to a friend, and they're telling you about a situation that they are dealing with, you always take their side?  You listen, you sympathize, and you agree with them.  At least most of the time.  Most of the time you take their side because that's what friends do.  However, what happens when the situation they are dealing with is because of you?  Do you still take their side?  That's tough.  Especially when the friend you're dealing with is a friend that you've had for years and years.

Let me start with the first thing I mentioned, listening and always taking a friends side.  I haven't always been good at that.  Like most men, I want to fix things.  I want to provide solutions.  However, it's really difficult to listen when you are trying to think of ways to fix something.  It's also really difficult to show that you are taking their side when you end up telling them how you think they should handle something.  I have totally sucked at that for a very long time.

I think I'm getting better at it.  The older I get, the more I realize I'm wrong.  I don't handle everything the right way.  In fact, more and more I'm thinking that in a lot of cases, there is no right way.  There are just different ways.  I wouldn't have said that a few years ago.  I would have said that there is a "best" way, therefore there is a "right" way.  I was stupid.  What can I say?  So, I'm trying really hard to not think so much when friends are sharing frustrations with me.  I'm trying to just listen.  It's still a struggle for me.  I'd be lying if I said it wasn't.  There are still times where I think there is an easy solution to a problem and I blurt it out.  Often times I catch myself after I've done it and think, "Dang-it man, you know better."  Just because I know better doesn't mean I do better all the time.  I'm going to keep working on it though.  There are times where I'll ask if someone would like my opinion, but more and more I'm trying to not even offer an opinion.  I'm trying to just listen and understand what they are going through.  If they wan't my advice they can ask.  Again...I'm trying.

Here's the real challenge.  Keeping that approach when I'm the cause of their frustrations or situations.  How do I take their side when I so obviously have my own side that I believe?  That's a really good question.  I'm not sure I know the answer, but I will share with you where my thoughts are leading me.

Perception is reality to the person holding the perception.  I have struggled with this a lot in the past.  My intentions are often times misunderstood because of my delivery or because of preconceived notions of who I am or what I mean.  I can absolutely understand that.  I've come across as pushy, as a bully, when trying to explain my point of view in the past.  I've come across as judgmental or disappointed.  I've made people feel like I don't value their feelings or ideas.  I made people, in particular my ex feel stupid even though I always thought she was incredibly intelligent.  I still do that to people sometimes.  Add that to the list of things I'm working on.  Here's what I'm learning though, I can't possibly explain my intentions if I don't first work to understand how my actions or words caused someone else to feel.  I have to "take their side" first before I can share mine.  I'm also discovering that understanding their side first will often times change the way I explain my own.  (Does any of that make sense?)

Here's where things get really difficult for me though.  I really badly want others to understand my side before telling me theirs, when I'm the one upset.  I get frustrated when I think that I would try to understand them, but they aren't trying to understand me.  I want them to hear me say, "I screwed up, but here's the reason why..." and to have them say, "I understand."  How freaking self-centered is that?  I know it is.  I know that it is an unreasonable expectation to put on someone else.  I know that it makes me a hypocrite because I so often don't work hard enough to understand them myself.  All that being said, it's still one of my biggest struggles at the moment.  I'm having a really difficult time accepting the fact that I don't always succeed at it, and if that's the case, I can't possibly expect others to succeed at it either.  I have to work harder at finding ways to effectively communicate.  I have absolutely no idea if I will ever be able to accomplish that though.

I'm also not great at the whole patience thing, so the idea that time heals all wounds is often difficult for me to accept.  Sigh....one more thing....