Saturday, May 3, 2014

Ever get exactly what you wanted and hated the fact that you did?

Before I continue, I want to make something clear.  I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me.  I am not making excuses for my actions.  I made them on my own.  I accept the responsibility that comes with those decisions.  This blog is simply my way of explaining why I made the decisions I did.  Nothing more.  I fully expect people to disagree with my decisions.  In fact, it's entirely possible that most people will disagree with my decisions.  I'm not sure I'm right.  I am often wrong.

So, back to the title of the post, "Ever get exactly what you wanted and hated the fact that you did?"

That happened to me.  So as I mentioned in my previous post, I'm going through a divorce.  I was married for 16 years when the filing occurred.  That's a long time.  Something happened during that time though, and a lot of it was because I couldn't figure things out...because I wasn't good enough.  Anyway…

I feel the need to state this again...these are my thoughts.  These are my opinions and only mine.  I have no idea if she would agree with them.  She might tell you that I am completely full of it, and maybe I am.  All I can say is that these are my honest feelings.

My soon to be ex is a beautiful, funny and intelligent woman.  If I ever meet someone who makes me laugh as hard as she did, I'll be shocked.  So why did I leave?  Man....that really is a complicated question.  As I said earlier, we became oil and vinegar.  We just didn't mix anymore.  We were arguing a lot, and it was really affecting my oldest son.  I could tell.  I try not to go into the details of why that happened, but in an effort to fulfill the goal of this blog, I will explain a little bit of what I think happened.  However, there are so many parts that I'll have to do so through additional posts, otherwise this post alone will turn into a novel. 

So I'll skip ahead.  I got exactly what I wanted.  Both she and I had hit the point where we could no longer bring any joy to the other.  There was so much resentment on both sides, so much anger, that I couldn't see any way out.  We tried counseling...didn't help.  We talked to our pastor...didn't help.  We each had decided that the other had become an oppressive weight that we just couldn't shake.  We were stressed.  We were miserable.  Here's the thing.....we were both right.  Without meaning to, I felt like I had become someone that she detested.  My actions, and my failure to communicate effectively had become too much.  At the same time, some of the things she did had made me a very bitter person, and I wasn't strong enough to let go of it.

We needed freedom.  We had to figure out how to breathe.  We had to figure out a way where we felt free to make our own decisions without worrying about what the other person would say or do.  Both of us.  I knew it...well…I had convinced myself of it.  I felt like there was something I could do about it.  I moved out.  That was 8 months ago.  For the first 3 or 4 months we did this whole, we're separated but still married thing.  I never felt like we were letting go of the resentment though.  I still felt like she was controlling me.  I really don't think she did it on purpose, but I couldn't let go of the feeling.  (I’ll get into that in my next post)  So after 4 months, and a very emotional conversation where I felt like she was pleading with me to give her another chance, I told her I planned on filing.  I know, I'm an absolute and total jerk.

I didn't plan on it until the middle of that conversation.  In my mind, if I said OK at that moment, she would have continued to resent me forever.  She would have thought I only said yes because she begged.  My feeling at that moment was that she would have always hated herself for feeling so weak, and she would have resented me for it.  Plus, I couldn't understand why she would want to stay with someone that she detested (again, my thoughts, not hers.)  That is what was going through my mind.  I thought I was right, but I fully admit that I could have been completely wrong.  It could be that she never would have blamed me; that she would have been appreciative, but everything that had happened up until that point had me convinced otherwise.

So as I walked out the door and she asked me why I was doing it, all I could say was, "Because I have to."  I wanted her to feel free to be herself and I was convinced that she wouldn't get there unless I told her I was going to file.  Recently she asked me if I could see how selfish that was.  To make that decision for her.  She's right.  It was.  I didn't mean to be selfish.  I didn't mean to make the decision for her, but the truth is, I did.

In all honesty though, it wasn't just for her.  I wasn't sure I could get there either.  I needed to be free of her too, and I'm not sure I was going to figure out how without the filing taking place.  I know that sounds extreme, and that it probably makes me look pretty pathetic (actually, I know it makes me look pathetic) but I couldn't figure out another way.

It took about a month, but I started to see the changes in her.  I could tell that she didn't really care about what I thought anymore.  I could make guesses as to why, but that’s all they would be…guesses.  It is exactly what I wanted to happen when I walked out that door though.  I wanted her to be free of me.  Free of the stress and burden that I kept placing on her.  I also wanted to feel free myself.  I can't leave that part out.  I wasn't strong enough to let go of the resentment without something drastic happening.

I feel like I'm getting there too, and there was always a part of me that wanted to see what the two of us would be like once we figured ourselves out.  Once we were both free, could we maybe actually work together again?  I may never get the chance to find out.  I always knew that there would be a good chance I wouldn't get to, and that really bums me out.

Do I regret my decision to walk out?  I’m not sure yet to be honest.  If you were to ask me if I wanted her back, I would say, “Not yet.”  There are still a lot of things that would have to be forgiven and dealt with by both of us.  I can't go back to what we had, and I have no idea if we could work together.  We are different people now.  That was my goal though.  We had to figure ourselves out.  We had to learn how to be free.  It's exactly what I wanted.  We are both changing.  I got exactly what I wanted, but at the moment, I hate the fact that I did.  I may always hate the fact that I did.  

No comments:

Post a Comment