Before I continue, I want to make something clear. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I am not making excuses for my actions. I made them on my own. I accept the responsibility that comes with those decisions. This blog is simply my way of explaining why I made the decisions I did. Nothing more. I fully expect people to disagree with my decisions. In fact, it's entirely possible that most people will disagree with my decisions. I'm not sure I'm right. I am often wrong.
So, back to the title of the post, "Ever get exactly what you wanted and hated the fact that you did?"
That happened to me. So as I mentioned in my previous post,
I'm going through a divorce. I was married for 16 years when the filing
occurred. That's a long time. Something happened during that time
though, and a lot of it was because I couldn't figure things out...because I wasn't good enough. Anyway…
I feel the need to state this again...these are my thoughts. These are my opinions and only mine. I have no idea if she would agree with
them. She might tell you that I am
completely full of it, and maybe I am.
All I can say is that these are my honest feelings.
My soon to be ex is a beautiful, funny and
intelligent woman. If I ever meet someone who makes me laugh as hard as
she did, I'll be shocked. So why did I leave? Man....that really is
a complicated question. As I said earlier, we became oil and vinegar.
We just didn't mix anymore. We were arguing a lot, and it was really
affecting my oldest son. I could tell. I try not to go into the
details of why that happened, but in an effort to fulfill the goal of this
blog, I will explain a little bit of what I think happened. However,
there are so many parts that I'll have to do so through additional posts,
otherwise this post alone will turn into a novel.
So I'll skip ahead. I got exactly
what I wanted. Both she and I had hit the point where we could no longer
bring any joy to the other. There was so much resentment on both sides,
so much anger, that I couldn't see any way out. We tried
counseling...didn't help. We talked to our pastor...didn't help. We
each had decided that the other had become an oppressive weight that we just
couldn't shake. We were stressed. We were miserable. Here's
the thing.....we were both right. Without meaning to, I felt like I had become someone
that she detested. My actions, and my failure to communicate effectively
had become too much. At the same time, some of the things she did had made me a very bitter
person, and I wasn't strong enough to let go of it.
We needed freedom. We had to figure
out how to breathe. We had to figure out a way where we felt free to make
our own decisions without worrying about what the other person would say or do.
Both of us. I knew it...well…I had convinced myself of it. I felt like there was something I could do
about it. I moved out. That was 8 months ago. For the first 3
or 4 months we did this whole, we're separated but still married thing. I
never felt like we were letting go of the resentment though. I still felt
like she was controlling me. I really don't think she did it on purpose,
but I couldn't let go of the feeling. (I’ll get into that in my next
post) So after 4 months, and a very emotional
conversation where I felt like she was pleading with me to give her another
chance, I told her I planned on filing. I know, I'm an absolute and total jerk.
I didn't plan on it until the middle of
that conversation. In my mind, if I said OK at that moment, she would
have continued to resent me forever. She would have thought I only said
yes because she begged. My feeling at that moment was that she would have
always hated herself for feeling so weak, and she would have resented me for
it. Plus, I couldn't understand why she would want to stay with someone that she detested (again, my thoughts, not hers.) That is what was going through my mind. I thought I was right,
but I fully admit that I could have been completely wrong. It could be
that she never would have blamed me; that she would have been appreciative, but
everything that had happened up until that point had me convinced otherwise.
So as I walked out the door and she asked
me why I was doing it, all I could say was, "Because I have to."
I wanted her to feel free to be herself and I was convinced that she
wouldn't get there unless I told her I was going to file. Recently she asked me if I could see how selfish that was. To make that decision for her. She's right. It was. I didn't mean to be selfish. I didn't mean to make the decision for her, but the truth is, I did.
In all honesty though, it wasn't just for her. I wasn't sure I could get there either. I needed to be free of her too,
and I'm not sure I was going to figure out how without the filing taking place.
I know that sounds extreme, and that it probably makes me look pretty
pathetic (actually, I know it makes me look pathetic) but I couldn't figure out
another way.
It took about a month, but I started to
see the changes in her. I could tell that she didn't really care about what
I thought anymore. I could make guesses as to why, but that’s all they
would be…guesses. It is exactly what I
wanted to happen when I walked out that door though. I wanted her to be free of me. Free of the stress and burden that I kept
placing on her. I also wanted to feel free myself. I can't leave that part out. I wasn't strong enough to let go of the resentment without something drastic happening.
I feel like I'm getting there too, and
there was always a part of me that wanted to see what the two of us would be
like once we figured ourselves out. Once we were both free, could we
maybe actually work together again? I may never get the chance to find
out. I always knew that there would be a good chance I wouldn't get to, and that really bums me out.
Do I regret my decision to walk out? I’m not sure yet to be honest. If you were to ask me if I wanted her back, I
would say, “Not yet.” There are still a lot of things that would have to
be forgiven and dealt with by both of us. I can't go back to what we
had, and I have no idea if we could work together. We are different
people now. That was my goal though. We had to figure ourselves
out. We had to learn how to be free. It's exactly what I wanted.
We are both changing. I got exactly what I wanted, but at the
moment, I hate the fact that I did. I
may always hate the fact that I did.
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