Well, I'm going through an interesting phase in my life. I'm not the same person I used to be, and I'm not the person I want to be. I'm simply me, but that is totally not simple. I'm learning. I'm spending a ton of time in self-reflection. I'm trying to live in the moment, but my brain makes that really difficult sometimes. I'm trying to figure things out.
Part of that process recently has been to post some of my thoughts on Facebook. The problem with that is, I tend to get rather wordy. Facebook is not really the best place to throw out 1000 word post. However, I'm finding that putting some of my thoughts into words is really therapeutic. I spend a lot of time in prayer now (though I'm sure some people would question that and I don't blame them,) and while that is by far the most important part of my current path of self discovery, it's not the entire path. I've enjoyed putting my thoughts into words. I enjoy sharing little pieces of my journey. That's a new thing for me. I've always been a really private person. I don't want to be that way anymore though. It's always felt like I was hiding things. And... sometimes I was. I've realized though that I hate feeling that way. I figure I'll give sharing a try and see what happens.
So, here's a bit about me. My wife and I separated 8 months ago and we're going through the paperwork process of divorce. That means that I'm currently single and it totally sucks. I hate it. My number one goal in life was to have the perfect marriage, with the perfect kids, and to have a 75 year anniversary. I wanted that more than anything ever since I can remember. So what happened? I will tell you what I think happened, but please understand that these are my feelings alone and she might think something entirely different. With that, we screwed it up. We lost the ability to focus on the good things, and instead could only focus on the things that annoyed us. Neither of us felt like we could talk about our mistakes, which just led to us feeling resentful, and that led to us making more mistakes. We became oil and vinegar. We tried to fix things. Well, we said we did. We said all the right words. But we were doing it wrong. I'll explain more about that in a future post.
More about me. I have 2 boys. a 14 year old, and by the end of this month a 10 year old. They are my entire world. They are absolutely amazing, yet often times totally frustrating. To me, that makes them perfect. My goal for them, and what I try to help them with every day, is that they end up better men than I am. I don't think that will be too difficult for them. They are already awesome.
I am a Christian. I know that should have been the first thing I said, but for some reason that's always been difficult for me. I've always felt like saying that makes me sound like I think I'm superior to others around me, and trust me when I say I don't think I'm superior to anyone. It ridiculous, I know, but it's always how I've felt. It's the truth though, I am a Christian. I pray. I read the Bible. I go to church. I sing the songs and tend to dance a little more than is appropriate when doing so. I try to be Christlike every single day, and every single day I fail miserably. I speed. I get angry. I can be selfish. I say bad words. I sometimes drink too much. I lie. I sometimes come across like I think I'm better than other people (I hate that most about me. I swear it's not how I feel.) I screw up each and every day. I could keep going here for a very long time, but please allow me to stop. I am a Christian. It is who I am.
So, there you go. As I said, simply me is not so simple. I'm working on it though. If you're a glutton for punishment, feel free to follow along on my journey.
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