If somebody has the answer to that one, please let me know. I've been trying to figure it out, but I haven't come close to finding the answer. I try to keep myself busy. There is always a ton of work to do. I have a house that I have to keep up. I even joined the board of our local junior football program and will be a head coach this upcoming season. Those things help, but I find it really hard to concentrate sometimes. Well, all the time if I'm being honest. It's necessary though.
I pray a lot. You would think that they are crazy, in-depth prayers, but actually they are usually very simple. "Lord, please help me to make the right decisions today. Please give me the strength to handle the consequences of the decisions I've already made. Amen." That's it. That's how I start my day at least. Throughout the day, when things become difficult and I start to wonder if I'm going to make it, the prayer becomes even more simple, "Lord, help me please." It helps. Of course it helps. That's why the Bible makes it so clear to us that we should pray, and pray a lot. I wish I would have done that more often in the past.
I know that I need to stop talking about the past. I can't change it. I made my decisions, I made my mistakes, and I can't take any of them back. I have apologized for them, but that doesn't change them. I talk about them because it is the way I learn from my mistakes. I think about what I've done, and try to figure out how to do it better next time. I'll try to focus on the future though. It would probably be best to do so.
So, over the last month or so, I tried the dating thing. I went on three dates with three different women. I had a good time with each of them. I even kissed one, though not for the right reasons. Don't ever kiss someone thinking it will help you deal with stress or pain. It doesn't work. It only makes things worse. Trust me on that one. Anyway, I met all of the women through an app called Tinder. You look at pictures, read a short profile summary, and then swipe right if you're interested or left if you're not. If you're both interested you are notified and you can start texting. I did that briefly with 5 or 6 women and ended up meeting 3 of them. They were all very nice. The conversation was easy. The thing is, I knew the entire time that I wouldn't see them again. Nothing against them, but it was very clear to me that I went on those dates because I was trying to force myself to move on. There was no way that I was going to develop a lasting relationship with any of them.
I honestly don't know if or when I'll be ready for another relationship. I haven't left the last one behind. I know, I know, if I didn't leave it behind, why did I leave? I've tried to explain that in my previous posts. I thought I was doing what had to be done. I'm an idiot. I am fully aware of that.
Anyway, I deleted that app. It's not who I am. At least not right now. I'll still try to date. I figure I have to or I'll turn into a hermit. Right now though, someone to talk to without feeling like I'm walking on eggshells would be perfect (funny thing is, my conversations with my ex now are becoming that way, oh well) I have no idea how to find someone like that, or if I ever will for that matter. I am putting myself into more social settings though. I figure I'll just focus on making new friends and see where that leads me. I'm also trying really hard to live in the moment. I try to keep my phone in my pocket as much as possible and just be present wherever I may be. I'm getting better at that too.
Life is really hard. Why does it have to be like that? It kind of sucks. I'll get through it though. I am getting through it. Some days are easier than others, but I made my decisions and I will deal with them. It's a new day. It's time to start with, "Lord, please help me to make the right decisions today. Please give me the strength to handle the consequences of the decisions I've already made. Amen." Amen
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